Echo of Guilt by David C Lambertson (eldave1) writing as Alexa - Short, Horror - Modern technology serves as Judge and juror.  6 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

This blatantly ignores the budget requirement of the OWC. Tisk tisk!

Apart from that, I found it easy to follow from a writing point of view and (spoilers) I do like the idea of a future holographic smart speaker being used for nefarious purposes.  

However, it isn't clear at all why Alexa suddenly decides to investigate a murder from (presumably) several years ago and how this holographic ghost of the deceased was created. Once she did, it was quite obvious where this story was going to go and offered no surprises.

Great job for entering and I do think there is a great story idea here that just needs fleshing out more.

-Mark

Hmm, I was thrown a little by what I think is a timeline error... Alexa says that the death penalty was re-instated in 2041 implying there was no death penalty before then, but the super at the start says it is 2039, two years before the death penalty is reinstated.

I don't think you mean for Alexa to have precognition here, but I'm not sure.

Anyway, other than that, I really like the central idea that the spirit world can interact with gadgets, lots of mileage in that.

Solid writing and a good tale.

Both sci-fi and horror so it meets the challenge.

Not much to add - good effort here.

Hi writer,

Loved the concept that a person creates an impenetrable fortress to keep people out, only for it to become a prison they cannot escape. The story is not new, but the spin you put on it was aptly fitting for the generation.

I got lost in the mix a bit, I think you initially named Drew as David? But forgot to change the dual dialogue format when you renamed the main character? Been there done that, cause you have to actually disable the dual dialog function in Final Draft, change the name, then re-instate the dual dialogue format… pain in the ass.

Unless, David was the real killer and not Drew? In that case you lost me. Anyway, groovy tale of AI being what it is… the mother of all douche-bags when you think no one’s watching. Nowadays, it’s safe to say everyone is being watched 24/7/365…

Writing and overall story are both pretty darn good IMO.

This is what I'm talking about!

Mounting suspense, the tech device meting out justice with a true horror experience, and no escape.

A couple of errors (the inclusion of David - hey, I've done this myself when deciding on a name change - Search &Replace is invaluable) and iridescence ghost.

I think you could tweak this bit (below) or at least add to it so the details of the crime sound more heinous, and not quite as sedate. It might actually contrast nicely with the calm robotic voice relaying explicit details of the crime.

ALEXA HOLOGRAM
Special circumstances include
murder for financial gain, murder
of a witness, lying in wait...

I might also quibble about the entire house exploding blowing the budget  ;D but hey, maybe some stock footage, or change that up a bit? Lovely image with the ghost emerging from the flames.

Either way, it was a pleasure to read and I loved it.

Fancy font-work on the title page will earn you some ire from certain readers.

Putting slugs in bold is okay, but a SUPER? Never seen that before.

The mini-slugs are fine, but they don't need "BACk TO"). The mini-mini-slugs ("AT THE FRONT DOOR", etc.) should just be nornal action lines.

There are some minor grammar issues throughout ("The blue light ringing the top of the Echo Cylinder of the illuminates"), which is par for the course in an early draft.

Definitely horror and sci-fi. The hologram effect is probably doable on a modest budget.

Spoilers:

I don't understand how Alexa is supposed to communicate with ghosts. The horror genre is comfortable with unexplained phenomena, but I'm not (which is probably why I suck at writing horror).

Modern technology apparently also serves as executioner... and that is a lot of collateral damage for an execution.

I suppose if you find a cheap enough Cape Cod manor overlooking the ocean that you can blow up, you could film this on the cheap. :) I kid. I kid.

I enjoyed the story. Well done.

The only thing I didn't like was the apparition. For whatever reason, it threw me. I guess, if we can see it, I'd prefer he could, too. Maybe? I don't know. It just struck me sideways.

Overall all, though, I really liked this.

Very good.  Very good.  Excellent example of a possible use of technology in the future.  Well told and would make an engrossing short.

Story: Huh. That was pretty interesting – especially since it’s been revealed that Alexa does at times record our conversations or that there are Amazon people listening to what we’re saying, so sufficiently spooky.  Not sure what prompted this Alexa to suddenly become judge and jury and executioner all at one time.  Was it Melanie’s ghost in the machine?  Not sure, but it was a fun story.

Characters: Drew is perfectly hateable and Alexa is just being Alexa.  Think they’re both drawn up well.

Dialogue:  Good – nothing here bothered me.

Writing:  Overall a solid performance and good writing style.  Liked the ending and how Drew got what was coming to him.  Nice flow throughout the story.

Meeting the challenge:  Sci-fi was there, the horror was light, but I’m good with it. Think it meets the challenge.

Hi Writer,

I enjoyed that. The writing was smooth, it was very visual, and although it was easy to spot where it was going early on, I enjoyed how it unfolded. The dialogue made me chuckle a couple of times too.

Date thing threw me off though.

Good stuff!

This was a bit confusing. The ghost of the dead woman is able to talk to the machine, I get that, but why is the machine set up to be judge jury and executioner is never really explained, so it appears a bit random. It does blend the horror and sci-fi theme quite well though.

I think it would have been better if you'd shown Drew just coming back from killing his wife and he bolts the place down, then Alexa turns on him. Build up to the moment a bit. As it stands you just start with her berating him and the backstory is revealed through her monologue which feels a bit static. Decent enough concept though.

Love a Ghost communicating with a smart device. Great idea for a story. Modern day Ouija.

I like going supernatural with this as opposed to just tech and sci fi.

Little confused about it being 2039 but the death penalty was reinstated in 2041? It could be me being stupid though.

This is a really cool idea, but I’m not sure I buy the idea that they Alexa could literally be the judge, jury and executioner. Feels like there still needs to be some kind of law enforcement that comes into play, but I know why you went the way you did to fit the parameters.  If there was an actual authority that the Alexa alerts who gives the go ahead to take care of the perp, it would flow a little better for me, but I guess it would take away from the “horror” and make the script longer.

Some great visuals – iridescent ghost sounds really cool, and I like Alexa being a hologram in the future.

Ok - not Low budget, Before the house explodes, but let’s put that to one side.

I like this concept, but the execution does quite work for me.

He is one dimensional and could do with some expansion. Whilst the single scene is tight and focused it also limits the breath of the story - outside of this OWC you could expand that.

The ghost could do with more as well, and may be it own challenges.

But the idea of a ghost returning, taking over a security system and having its revenge, is great - got potential

Oh, did the names get mixed up?

Good effort

Excellent. But troubling. Yes, criminals and stupid cops should fear the future, but having Jeff Bezos as the new deity doesn’t inspire confidence. Amazon can’t deliver next-day anymore, so how are we to trust Alexa Hologram to deliver justice? I’m being facetious here, but it would have been cool to see a Prime Delivery driver stuffing the body in a big box. Then cut to a huge warehouse with body boxes stacked to the ceiling à la Raiders of the Lost Ark.

Alright Alexa,

Last script for me and was hoping it’d be a good one to go out on and...yep, I liked.

The premise is great, the tech and definite horror were present and the visuals of the ghost were so strong. I just enjoyed basically all of it. However, quibbles below...

The budget is banjaxed, the date thing you know about already but is an easy mistake to make/fix, the writing was a little on the nose at points and rather than this death sentence setting I think it should have just gone ahead and silently went about the fires things with a reveal at the end via memos or notes dictated by the ghost.

Only other thing, and this is me being a right dick, I’d have just pulled the plug out of the socket. But that’s me being a dick.

The thing that drives this is the premise, which is so good, but the dialogue of Drew and Alexa slightly makes it a little bit cheesy and OTN. However, the initial concept is so strong that I think it overrides my complaints.

Really good script,

Cam

I noticed the 2041 over 2039 thing too but I'm assuming it was a gaffe in haste...

This was a really good concept, the idea of a ghost enlisting the aide of a smart device to solve her own murder, and then the house, which is a fortress, turning  on the murderer.

The one thing that took me out of the read though, is - wouldn't the recording of the murder have been available to the investigators as well?

Nicely written and I enjoyed watching Drew get what was coming to him.

AJR

There's a lot to love about this. Smart homes are here and will only get more automated, so that's entirely plausible. I can also get behind the idea that technology could one day become so sensitive it will even pick up ghosts, at least audibly. That's a cool idea.

What I can't fathom is how Amazon could legally be judge, jury, and executioner. Unless they are now the government or a branch of the government, which isn't a huge stretch, but I'd need that to be established in your world.

Otherwise, I thought the ghost initiating an investigation works, and that everything Alexa hears is recorded, and I could imagine that investigators wouldn't know to look for those recordings if they never found a body or knew where the scene of the crime was.

Only 322 words on the date of Melanie's death? That seems improbable. What about the rest of the argument leading up to her murder? The year error has been pointed out already but I also noticed that.

This would have been creepier if we didn't see Melanie's ghost, or held off on seeing it. Seeing him react to Alexa responding to nobody, drudging up that night, him getting more and more scared would have amped up the tension. Alexa should have directly asked a couple of questions and then responded, not just react to the silent voice. That would have made it even more menacing for Drew. I like the cold spot when Drew is about to smash the Alexa, that would also work if we didn't see her. I'd make her appear right before the house blows up, get that one reaction shot from Drew before he dies. Or you could have her appear in the flames as she leaves, to show the audience that she really was there.

I think you did fine on the budget. The effects are simple, if you aren't too picky about them. Alexa and the ghost are dead simple. Fire and blowing up the house are easy to do cheap but will look cheap. Get the right practical lighting and the right effects person though and it would look great.

The writing is quite good, typos aside. I would have liked a little more character though. Melanie doesn't emote at all, not even when she hears her own murder. And again, that reaction shot from Drew would be a golden opportunity for an actor.

This has great potential, I hope you return to it outside of the OWC. It would make a great short.

The opening super says it's 1939, yet you contradict this in dialog on the second page. Typo?

Great writing here. I saw everything. Very visual. But this passage threw me off...

The blue light ringing the top of the Echo Cylinder of the
illuminates, then --

... I had to read that a couple of times. Maybe it's just me?

Drew doesn't have much personality.

I really like this one. Very creative. :)

Well done, writer (and I don't mean Drew, either)! Sci-fi, tech, and horror all wrapped up nicely. No complaints on format or style. High marks all around from me.

Great job, writer! Good luck.

Saw Dave wrote this and wanted to check it out.

Lots of mistakes, some of which really affect the read and understanding.

For me, this is way too big a concept for 6 pages and for me, it really shows.  I just don't see any logic as to why all of a sudden the wife's ghost appears and then Alexa, who appears to look just like she does now (other than the holograph), just figures out the murder and kills the guy.  With more pages, it could be much better.

There is Future Shock, there is horror, and there's a huge budget, as written.

Doesn't work for me, but I see most loved it.

**

Quoted from Dreamscale Saw Dave wrote this and wanted to check it out. Lots of mistakes, some of which really affect the read and understanding. For me, this is way too big a concept for 6 pages and for me, it really shows.  I just don't see any logic as to why all of a sudden the wife's ghost appears and then Alexa, who appears to look just like she does now (other than the holograph), just figures out the murder and kills the guy.  With more pages, it could be much better. There is Future Shock, there is horror, and there's a huge budget, as written. Doesn't work for me, but I see most loved it. **

Thanks for weighing in.

Missed the OWC but decided to gave this a read for the same reasons that Jeff, and it didn't disappoint.

I think that the idea is pretty good, and mostly well executed.

I wouldn't have shown the ghost from the get-go, but that may be a matter of taste.

There are a couple minor errors (i.e. David) and grammar issues, which makes me wonder if it wasn't written in a hurry (apart from being an early draft), but the writing is crisp and clean - as Dave's always has us accustomed - so it's a quick read.

Overall, I liked the atmosphere and the story. Two thumbs up.

Quoted from Philostrate Missed the OWC but decided to gave this a read for the same reasons that Jeff, and it didn't disappoint. I think that the idea is pretty good, and mostly well executed. I wouldn't have shown the ghost from the get-go, but that may be a matter of taste. There are a couple minor errors (i.e. David) and grammar issues, which makes me wonder if it wasn't written in a hurry (apart from being an early draft), but the writing is crisp and clean - as Dave's always has us accustomed - so it's a quick read. Overall, I liked the atmosphere and the story. Two thumbs up.

Thanks, mate - yes - a real rush job - got the idea with just a few hours to go till the deadline and only an hour in my own personal window to write (wifey had dinner).

So, yep a couple of silly mistakes -

I wouldn't do the ghost from the get-go either - normally -   the 6 pages kind of rushed things for me - I think it's really a 10 - 12 page story.

Anyway- gracias