CC by Anthony Cawood (Anthony Cawood) writing as Don - honest! - Short, Horror - An Augmented Reality ghost hunt hits close to home. 6 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Very, interesting angle to take here. Definitely sci-fi meets horror and also quite doable on a budget as long as someone has some decent Adobe skills who doesn't charge a lot.

I have trouble buying into an app that claims to be able to spot supernatural monsters and it can. Surely something like that would be a worldwide phenomenon? This is easily rectified though. You can either have this as the first trial of the software or, have it as an Augmented Reality app that somehow does actually spot an Imp unintentionally.

Once it becomes clear where the footage is being filmed, it does become quite predictable where this is headed, so maybe try to think of another twist.

A very decent entry though, well done.

-Mark  

You've captured the current zeitgeist of kids and young adults barely paying attention to multiple devices, installing apps on a whim, and not believing in anything. And then you murdered them, you crochety boomer! Take that, Millenials!  ;D

Interesting take on the ghost hunters fad. I like the use of closed captioning to allow for POV shots while making the dialogue somehow more focused. Cool idea. And there's no sound at all, those bits without dialogue are entirely soundless, just the ambient noise of shifting in her seat or the hum of a ceiling fan or whatever the filmmaker wants to use to add atmosphere and tension to the scene. Very cool from a filmmaking perspective.

The writing is decent and the dialogue is realistic but expected. For a mostly visual piece, that's not a big deal but it could be a little more interesting. I cared nothing about either character, which hurts the ending. Six pages is five more than you need to make me feel something for either of them.

The logic fails in one spot. She paused the video when she got hit by a pillow. From that point on, what's on the screen should be that much time behind the actual events. That's something you can actually use to add even more tension if you want to return to this outside of the OWC, maybe make it a bit longer and have them think they're escaping only to remember that damning pause in the video.

Great job with the criteria.

Damn. That was awesome. Great writing and concept. Horror and sci-fi...most definitely.

I've zero complaints with this - fantastic! Someone needs to develop this app like the Pokémon app. I'd buy it just to freak people out.

My favorite so far. Thanks for entering.

Alight Don - honest!

Not just saying this in case it is honestly our website founder and overall top bloke who wrote it, but that was the best so far.

Simple, expertly paced and zero complications. The tension builds to a jump scare that could be carried off on screen easily midway through, then it ramps again to the final crescendo. Meets the criteria, can be done on budget with the correct prosthetics, just simply one of those scripts the OWC occasionally throws up that hits everything on the head. Everything was in the right place, absolutely clinical.

The only criticism I can make is to clarify the relationship between brother and sister, but that’s nit picking.

Top work, really loved it.

Cam

This was good.

My only real complaint is that you could see where it was going from a mile away - but that might not be a valid complaint in a 6 page short.

Writing and story solid - good job

Some nice writing on display and meets the criteria.

Alas, I found it a bit hard to follow, and wasn’t really invested in it. The idea that it’s suddenly outside then inside well, could work, but felt a bit forced.

I would almost buy more it if they used the apps to track ghosts in their neighbourhood only to arrive back home etc

But I think think this has potential - the idea of a ghost hunter, modern apps etc almost a cautionary tale of letting modern tech go too far . You won’t like what you find, or can’t handle.

All the best

Hi writer,

Pretty ambitious tale. I like the title of the live feed: pARa LIVE . Paranormal (the capped AR – Augmented Reality)… you spent a lot of time thinking that through, making it seem like a truly legit feed. Unless it was a flash idea that you rolled with? Anyway, works well.

I played around programming some of that AR when it first came out, I saw it on a screen at a Lego store in Disney Springs. You hold a box of Lego (UPC) up to a laser and it instantly creates a fully built 3D rendering in AR on a big screen; complete with moving parts, rotors, tires, etc… mind blowing shit. I think it’s going to become a de-facto standard for all marketplaces in the near future, and they’ll have glasses at the entrance like when you go to a 3D movie.

The entertainment value is also there, like you’ve scripted here. Wherein you could walk through a haunted house or something and the visuals in the AR Glasses will be intense to say the least.

Well written, and plausible for that futuristic slice of reality.

"on the eating-disorder side of scrawny" -- nice.

In fact, love the whole first action line.

Second action block could be just a bit more active: "AirPods in, her head bobs to..." Anyway, moving on...

Dangit. I liked this all the way up to page 6. Hated page 6. Her reaction to seeing her brother's head basically gone is to... check the app.

I get it, she's in danger. But, she's gotta have SOME kind of reaction to the moment, before she gets to self-preservation.

The app is great. I'd love to see a different short written around it.

Story:  Story had some meat to the bones even if it was a bit obvious where it was going to end up. Kind of a Blair Witch set in the future.  One thing I wasn’t certain about – if it can only be seen with the app, if you’re not using the app, does the Imp disappear?  Can you just pause the video and keep the imp from attacking?  

Characters: Good. Rosie is the definitive multi-tasking teen who brings the right amount of terror to the situation as things develop. Dylan doesn’t have much depth but doesn’t really need it, as he’s just the poor teen who gets to be a victim.  

Dialogue:  Okay, natural enough. Had a sense this was written by either a British or Aussie writer just with some of the phrases.

Writing:  Overall good.  Solid story line and good at raising the tension level as you went.  

Meeting the challenge:  Kind of ambivalent on this – the horror is there, but what is the sci fi? Is it the app? I guess that kind of works, but apps are not exactly cutting edge on the sci fi front. Guess I’ll give it to you.    

An app that can see supernatural creatures. It's a neat idea. The story as told doesn't really make the best use of the concept however and in a way doesn't make much sense.

Is the imp connected to the app, or does just using the app allow you to see the imp? If she didn’t download the app would the imp still be coming? Needs more detail about how the app is connected to the horror. Why does the imp only attack people who download the app? Did the imp exist before the app existed? Is the app 'cursed' like the video in The Ring? What is the relationship between the elements here?

Might have been more compelling if the protagonists were more active, e.g. they're using this new app to find creatures, and that's where they encounter the imp and he follows them home. As it stands we're expected to take it all at face value without any context or buildup. Well written all the same and a good premise that could be developed further.

Cool title page. I’ll admit I’ve always wanted to have “eye catching” title pages despite being told not to do that… I just don’t actually know how to do it in Final Draft.

That opening exchange between Dylan and Rosie could has easily been all non-verbal. Also feel like the descriptions are a little over-written to the point they get slightly confusing.

Can’t lie, I don’t like the way this is basically silent with Closed Captioning doing all the work – despite the title. Hope it pays off.

Was gonna say, they should make a ghost app in the Pokemon Go style. Good idea.

Hmm, torn on this one. cool idea with shaky execution. I think you have something here with a re-write or two. the app is a great idea.

I could write great stuff like this, too, if I wanted.

Quoted from Conz Cool title page. I’ll admit I’ve always wanted to have “eye catching” title pages despite being told not to do that… I just don’t actually know how to do it in Final Draft.

You can use a myriad of fonts in Final Draft, whatever you have installed on your system actually, when you parse it out to a PDF (Portable Document File) it actually makes the font ‘portable’ across different platforms and PC’s that don’t recognize the font. There’s a billion and one crazy, unique, surreal, and free fonts available for free on the net. Just find the one that fits your theme/genre and install on your system; Final Draft will see it when you select the font style.

The other way, is to leave a title page out of the Final Draft document when you parse it out to a PDF, then use a PDF Creator/Editor such as Acrobat, which has way more functionality for importing jpg's, vector images, etc. Then go crazy with design, save, and import that single PDF file as the first page in your script.

Sorry, didn’t mean to hijack this thread. And, now… back to our regular scheduled programming.

Cool! I really liked this. I kinda knew where it was going 2 pages in. But, I liked the use of the CC on screen. It reminded me of some horror anthology segment from when I was a kid... specifically "Cat's Eye" (one of my favorite horror anthologies ever).

Not a very complex plot, but it is a short -- just set-up, punchline. Not many layers to it, but effective nonetheless. Natural, believable dialogue... Nice work! This would pretty easy to shoot (if you figure out the whole Imp thing). And cheap. Only two young actors.

This is the kinda horror I dig.

-- Michael

Are we to assume we are watching the TV?  If so, you'll want "INSERT TV SCREEN", or the like, otherwise, we'll be watching Rosie, watching the TV.

Also, what do we hear when the TV is muted?  Nothing?

No reason to have the Closed Captioning as dialogue, unless I'm really missing something here.

Hmmm...

The writing, for me, doesn't work to portray what you're after.

What you're after is quite good, though, and I love the concept.  I do not like the execution at all.

Characters are weak.  Where are the parents?  Why is the room they're in so shitty, yet they have a big TV and phones?  I don't know what to really say here, as I think you're on to something, but it needs some more thought...probably more pages.

***

Hmm... Nice idea, just feels like it needs another pass. I found the writing a little confusing at times (although generally good), but that could be easily remedied with a fresh set of eyes.

I could see this making a really nice little short though, and wouldn't be surprised if it gets picked up in no time.

Good work.

Pretty creative story here. I think this one would actually work better on screen than it does on page.

*SPOILERS*

The writing is very good for the most part, though I don't like the way you described the found footage aspects. And the end where the brother gets killed is more than a little clunky.

Still, I think this one nails the challenge. Definitely one of my favorites thus far. :)

This works. It's an interesting idea to turn a YouTube ghost hunt into something personal. I think this could make a scary short film if the right effects were applied.

One small criticism: all the technical camera descriptions get in the way of the story early on. Reducing them might make for a cleaner read. On the other hand, they might be helpful for filmmakers.