Catastrophic Disassembly by Jake Gittes - Short, Horror - A nanorobot virus threatens the existence of the human race. 6 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Well, that was unsettling. Some pretty decent writing here. Sci-fi and horror boxes checked, for sure. A little bit bigger budget and sfx but still doable. No complaints.

Good work, writer.

Decent writing here but the opening scene isn't cheap to film ;-)

The writing is a little on the nose in places too, e.g.
MONICA
Too bad we can’t buy gasoline, anymore.
ERIC
The government doesn’t want us going anywhere, Monica.

This is exposition and feels a little unnatural, gasoline would be better as gas, unlikely to say Monica in his response.

The ending has me conflicted, it's clearly heart-wrenching for Eric but, and maybe it's the horror fan in me, was gleefully amused by the dismemberment!

Decent effort

This one really has me thinking...

I like the topic; take Coronavirus and multiply it by 100, and pit the Americans and the Chinese against each other. Definitely up my alley.

I also thought it was very heart-rending what happened to Monica. I'm a sucker for the shoot 'em and put them out of pain ending...

The part that threw me for a loop was at the beginning where you said 60 million people were killed by it. I had trouble reading the rest of the piece with that in mind. I get the cleansing and I thought that was cool... but you have 20% of the world's population dead, so I might have expected some really advanced state of dystopia at this point.  

Again, I'm puzzled... it made me think. Which is good.

Well written and cool subject -

AJR

Alright there Jake,

Well, that was a thinly veiled swipe at D-Tiddles, can’t really blame you though.

I fear it’d be expensive to shoot, but it did have a bit of horror in there (although a lull in the middle that you could work on) and it definitely fits the sci fi angle. The stakes are clear and believable, the writing is decent (apart from some of the dialogue being a bit meh), and I quite enjoyed it. It’s relatable and current, which helped to leave an impact.

I’d say this is a solid effort overall, well done.

Cam

The scene with the family being torched at the beginning was stellar.

The start of WW III I don't think was necessary and the tension - foreboding - of the coming war was enough - I would have stayed on the family problems.

Well written and compelling.

Budget wise, this is too expensive. You can cut back a lot though and make this doable.

Sci-fi and horror for sure, near future as well.

The overuse of the Reporter as exposition and thinly veiled political commentary detracts from the horror and disturbing aspect of this virus. The virus and the family desperate to survive are what makes this story interesting and shows a lot of potential. I would suggest focusing more on those aspects.

-Mark

A dystopian future, worldwide virus, WWIII, death, destruction and horror.

A lot going on in six pages but well written and close to the bone considering the state of the world today.

Only gripe is the nickname of the virus, not really nick-namey or snappy but that was the only thing that got me.

Well done.

Am I the only one WAY too amused by a fire truck that shoots fire? Awesome.

Some really good elements here, but they do tend to get a little lost as you too obviously lay out the exposition for us. I don't have anything to add, except to agree that cutting away some of the commentary would make for a more focused script.

Good job.

Story:  It’s a bit thin.  SPOILER: Essentially there’s a virus going around, Eric’s wife catches it and he has to decide what to do, which he does in less than a page.  The remaining pages seem to be more focused on the outside world rather than what’s happening with the characters.  Just feels like a story in need of more plot development with the two main characters.

Characters: Again, a little thin.  Need more on what’s driving Eric’s decision, and really don’t have much at all in the way of background on the characters.

Dialogue:  Good. Natural.  Nothing that made me cringe, so overall, not bad at all.

Writing:  Pretty good.  Actually very good; just needed more from the story.

Meeting the challenge:  I guess there was horror at the end (and maybe a tad at the beginning) when she catches the disease, but I wouldn’t call this a “horror” script.  Same on the sci-fi.  Has the face re-breather and that’s about it on the sci-fi front.

Opening on a long bit of exposition on a TV screen is never good. Seems to go well above the budget constraints of the challenge. The language seems a bit contrived - “I ran into a cleansing”. Not sure exactly why Monica aims a gun at him - she's worried he's caught the infection and is just waiting to see he hasn't?

Dialogue is a bit too on the nose expositional. Too much exposition on the TV set. It does fit the brief of mixing horror and science. Could be a good Cronenberg type body horror but too underdeveloped as it stands. This is a premise not a story.

You choose to open on a TV screen, but we don't know where that TV is, which is an issue...and a mistake.  The VO from the news person is not well written, which makes this seem very unrealistic right out of the gate.

Using "SUMMER STREET" as a Slug makes the reader question if this is actually a street called "Summer" or if you're referring to the season.  Nothing technically wrong here, but I'd change the name of the street, and if it doesn't come up again and/or has no relevance, rethink the Slug completely.

Why does Monica aim a gun at her husband?

Dialogue is extremely OTN and it's ruining what you have here.

Wait...WTF?  Monica's arm just fell off?  Is that correct?  Then her leg "separates at the knee"?  WTF?

Hmmm, I feel like I missed something here, as there just isn't really a story here.  It's merely a scene, in a future world you created.

You've got the horror. You've got the future shock.  Now, you need a short story.

**

Ambitious but probably to the extent that the budget/criteria doesn’t really comply

The idea of a virus causing conflict is pretty sound, to the degree we experience  some of that today.

That it suddenly causes your left arm to fall off sounds gross, is gross, and a bit left field - excuse me.

This has some legs but I feel it would be good to keep this highly contained and see what the dynamics are between the parents and who saves the child etc

All the best

Hi writer,

Good lord, body parts falling off ‘n shit… nanobots are assholes. Yeah, I guess it doesn’t matter what you call this strange virus or disease (Catastrophic Disassembly Syndrome, The Butcher Syndrome), a similar understanding is: “it doesn’t matter what you call a deaf dog … it ain’t gonna listen.”  

Doctors are always renaming diseases and the like, they truly believe if it (virus, etc.) has a more complex naming convention based on their conceived analysis of the strain, then the virus itself will suddenly mutate to the level of the intellect of the doctor so it could be better understood. Fuckin’ potato heads.

And, of course, the classic finger pointing is straight out of the Communist Manifesto; if someone accuses you of a crime, you turn around and accuse them of the exact same thing, it’s a tactic used for decades by the far left to instantly discredit their enemies, and instantly infect the mind of the masses with doubt and fallacy.

A strange tale of woe that I truly hope never comes to fruition. Best of luck.

Light, breezy read with some fun ideas and especially a good opening scene.

Reads more like a skit than anything, though. No real journey for the protagonist and the big stakes in the story come and go very fast.

There's a constant motif of disinformation/lacking information, so one element that might be neat in this story would be if the husband and wife disagree about the threat of the virus. The story's missing a conflict that resolves at the end, basically.

Ha! The problem (if it actually is one) is that I wanted to laugh at Monica quite suddenly losing her limbs. Hmm, yep there's an element of comedy there. Perhaps if the flesh had started to rot first? Jeepers, what am I saying?

Maybe the baby has some special immunity, I dunno, otherwise Eric's in for a nasty surprise, or God forbid the baby will have to fend for itself.

The opening is pretty spectacular.

I just had problems with the tone of this one overall.

And, why did Moni aim the gun at Eric?

I think it's fair to say any budgetary restraints went out the window on the first page, but I still liked what I read regardless.

Some nice little details throughout, although I would replace the WW3 line with something like "We are at war with China", as it's more accurate, and still a terrifying thought.

Good, solid writing throughout too.

Excellent work. Solid through and through. I love the opening image of the guy jogging with a gun. Lots of great descriptions. The death at the end is truly frightening.

Catastrophic disassembly is right. I was expecting something along the lines of Chinatown (Jake Gittes) but this sure isn't.

It works overall. It's a solid story, although it doesn't really have an ending. It seems like it's setting up something more. It would make a good proof of concept short. Bodies literally falling apart with little warning is damn scary, and it's set up well. Great job holding off on the real horrors of the nanovirus until the ending.

What doesn't work for me is the tone. The running gag of the virus's name is out of place here. It's too short to need an ease in tension. You'd be better off diving deeper into character instead, make us feel more for them. Budget-wise, this is pretty simple and cheap, except for the outdoor crowd scene. That's a considerable expense.

Great job, I quite like it.