Lurking Trauma by The Awoken Tiger - Short, Horror - Eager to improve his Wife's mental health, a desperate Husband buys a device to help her manage old childhood trauma, by altering her mind. What could possibly go wrong? 6 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

No real surprises here. Could easily see where it was headed. Sci-fi and horror boxes checked, as was the low budget and minimal cast.

Good writing here although I just wanted more. It kept me reading, so no issues style-wise. It just needs a little twist or something new.

Good job, writer.

Well written and moved with a decent pace though you could probably lose the opening scene without it hurting the script.

I think some form of twist would improve the ending as it felt a little A B C, but it does work this way too, just feel it'd be elevated with something added... maybe the cap reveals Toms actually at the root of her issues?

Anyway, decent effort.

Hi writer,

Yeah, ok… so many things about this already ring true as non-fiction, as in Sci-Non-fi. First and foremost being the pulse glasses (light therapy) with ambient sounds, those have been around awhile, I actually bought a pair about ten years ago:

Of course, no… they’re not sophisticated enough to reprogram fractured alters of my mind… or are they? They do reprogram the mind using hemisphere synching/binaural beats to invoke altered states of mind, but I digress.

Then there’s the name used in the script: Neuro Memory Reprogrammer. Which is eerily similar to Neuro Linguistic Programming developed by the CIA in the early 70s to reprogram a person’s thought patterns using simple voice scripts that are like a brute force attack on the prime directive of the subconscious mind.

Then, from what I’ve seen via documentaries, aspects of Scientology use a strategy that forces a person to relive (openly recall) traumatic events from their past over and over until they’ve become de-sensitized to the event(s) itself, which apparently works like magic… but we won’t go there cause there’s so much that is actually wrong with that as well.

Anyway, your story, your script idea, is definitely some creepy mind programming shit that is just around the corner, if not here already, and probably for nefarious purposes. Especially when coupled with ‘voice to skull’ resonation using high powered microwave networks to ignite the programming of the nanobots swimming through the subjects’ veins. Creepy shit.

Cool idea, works well for the theme.

Evening Awoken,

The second mind adjusting/seeing script I’ve read and I quite liked it. The pacing is good, it doesn’t surprise in any way but it ticks all of the parameters and is easily done on a low budget. Writing was good too, an easy and fast read and it wasn’t taxing.

The horror elements were actually quite strong. It had a hell of a run up which had me concerned, but you landed it, I even had sweaty palms for a minute!!

One suggestion, you talk a lot about the depression in the dialogue, maybe the action could be utilised more effectively to bring it across. Trim the expositional chit chat, then use what’s left with some hard hitting visuals as a combo.

No grumbles here, liked it!

Cam

Well done hear.

The only change I would make is the schmaltzy car dealer type salesman = I think the type you typically her in pharma commercials would have been better suited for the tone.

Solid writing - very nice job.

I think this was well done, it was a very good idea, and I like the subject matter of taking trauma from childhood and trying to erase it. That's a bit of a different spin on future shock, so kudos there.

I think in the execution though I wanted more; she tries an unsafe product, attacks her husband after thinking it's her father (and it appears her father may have abused her?), though in the end they and the baby are fine and appear, at least when we leave them, unchanged. I think it's a morality tale and she may have learned something about herself and her upbringing, so if you intended to have that and not the technology be the star of the show, then you were spot on.

Very well written if not a bit chunky in spots of dialogue.

Nice job.

AJR

Well written, good pacing and an interesting premise.

I liked the idea of revealing hidden memories and the pain that can come with them especially if the memory is as traumatic as the one endured here.

I'm not entirely sure if it was necessary to add menace towards a sleeping child but this is your script and you write it as you see fit, that part just didn't do it for me.

Well done.

A very, very sad tale.  As to the technology, it's another example of, "Just because we can do a thing doesn't mean we should do a thing.'

I'm still worried about Tom.
All that stabbing and parrying and he's okay at the end?

I think the instruction manual should have been read first.   ;)

Writer: Full marks for coming up with a great premise, original too. A malfunctioning Neuro Memory Reprogrammer - yikes. I think you can get a lot of mileage out of a device that claims:

Whilst you
sleep it will activate the healthy
areas of the brain that handle
memories. Help you function.


Of course it's going to backfire.

I'd personally start with the delivery of the package and the couple opening it up. No need for the preamble, it's an unnecessary additional location.

Perhaps for a six pager simply focus the narrative on genetic predisposition to mental illness - the rotten lucky-dip? I think the bad parents angle might work in a longer piece better.

Perhaps Gina at first seems better?  Then becomes a danger to her child, threat to her husband?
Some great suspense, dread, on page five - was that a sewing needle?

A few tweaks, amp up the horror/scares just a bit, I think this could fly.

Nice work, writer.

Story:  Solid story from beginning to end.  Had a lot going on. Some of it was questionable, like Tom getting stabbed with a sewing needle IN THE NECK and basically treating as just a flesh wound. But sufficiently creepy so that was good.  Did kind of remind me of the basic premise of “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind,” but I went with it.

Characters: On the fence here.  Gina was good as a person traumatized by past experiences and reliving those experiences through the technology. Very believable.  Tom was a bit milquetoast for me.  What I didn’t by (beside the neck stabbing!) was him just sitting by as his wife is tormented by the technology. But maybe that’s what makes him a good character.  

Dialogue:  Pretty good.  A little bit melodramatic in a couple of spots but overall not bad.

Writing:  Overall good.  Good idea and brought it to an interesting (albeit a telegraphed) conclusion.  

Meeting the challenge:  Meets the challenge in my mind.    

I liked this. Quite deep, quite ambitious, felt authentic. Plausible to an extent, well within the brief. Felt like a Stephen King tale with a tech underpinning. Classic horror trope of a family unit under threat. But the threat comes from within. Characters were written with consideration.

Voiceover at the start maybe wasn’t the best way to introduce the concept. Maybe show the meeting with the salesman, or have her responding to an ad. Or maybe have her and the husband arguing about whether she should try this new technology or not. That type of voiceover exposition kind of felt a bit jarring.

Overall I thought this hit the brief of combining tech/sci-fi and horror the best and was a good story to boot.

I liked this better than the one with the kid opening the box with the VR goggles and turning into an instant psycho, I just think it needs work.

It ticks all the boxes, kinda. Definite sci-fi, near-future tech and doable with a budget but it veers away from becoming a horror at the last instant when she comes out of the trance before doing any real horror stuff. This is more thriller/drama territory.

I couldn't quite understand why the husband just didn't take the cap off when it became apparent it was harming his wife? As it reads now, she still has the cap on at the end!

I'd have a think about the ending and how it could be a tad less predictable. It doesn't need to be a horror outside this OWC, there's a good premise here that just needs exploring.

Good writing and easy to follow. Nice one.

-Mark

The story was interesting, and the characters were fine, but I had some issues I had with the story. The way the first three scenes are written, I got the impression they happened the same day. But we see Tom ordering the NMR in this second scene, and then when Gina comes in during the third scene, he already has the the device. Is there a time lapse that wasn’t indicated?
And I have a question on what exactly the NMR is supposed to do besides dredge up unpleasant memories. Is merely remembering those memories supposed to “change your life forever”? Does the NMR do something to the brain to take the trauma out of them? And why does the Salesman contradict everything he’s promised by saying “some memories are buried for a reason”?
It seems like the NMR is just a MacGuffin to get Gina to attack Tom. What if the NMR zapped her brain every time it detected an extreme spike in the part of the brain where memories are stored? And it works in eliminating the bad stuff. But it also expunges the best memories, turning her into the type of maniac who would attack Tom?

This was pretty good. Kinda figured that the technology would turn on them, but I mean, that's usually what happens in stories like this.

It met the criteria on the most part. This was right on the edge of horror. I think if the husband died, and that death was more gruesome, this would have definitely put this over the edge into horror territory.

It was pretty well written, too. Just one thing I caught on page 5:

Quoted Text TOM What? Gina?

Not sure if "What" was the right word, there.

Nice work, overall.

-- Michael

Tom should never have gone on that second date... but Gina's probably the kind that gave out easily. We've all been there eh? Guys?... Guys?

Seriously though, I liked it. Really, really nice writing. Was scrolling and reading in a way that I rarely find I can, so excellent job there. Enjoyed the story too. Not hugely original but well executed.

Oh and contrary to some of the other readers, I liked the sales spiel stuff. Lightened it for me and gave it bit of a Total Recall slant.

Good work!

cool concept. i don't have many notes or complaints other than it being a bit unfulfilling.  This is actually an idea i would like to see expanded on.

Nitpick, but when someone is stabbed in the neck, i expect death. he seemed fine. whatever, no big deal i guess.

this is a good one. with even 3 more pages, it could have been super successful, but it's still solid.

Interesting idea, decent execution.

The writing is fine. A couple of awkward descriptions, but nothing deal-breaking. Dialog needs another pass, it's pretty on the nose at times.

A twist of some sort would have helped this stick out more, I think.

Still, a solid effort for only a week's worth of writing. :)

The first four pages are really strong. I could easily see it being filmed. The tone and pace are excellent, it's cinematic, there's tons of character, and buckets of sympathy for them. Really great stuff.

The ending was underwhelming. You pulled your punches. All that lead up and nobody was even badly hurt. It could have been shocking. It could have made Tarantino proud. Instead it ends on a joke.

That's my take, I doubt many others would agree. I'm the twisted one. Still, excellent potential, I enjoyed it.

Hi Folks

Thanks for the reads and feedback.

Under the circumstances I was pleased with this one as I had little time, and by Thursday it was very rough...which is an understatement.

The one thing I struggled with was the ending and I understand that some preferred a different twist. I just didn't have one  :o

I suppose I hoped the script conveyed two things;

1] a cautionary tale of messing with people's heads based on generic science

2] that love, within an accepting relationship, can be healing, and in that process, well for this script, help overcome the inner demons, so to speak.


should also be easy to film.

Once again, thanks Don and Libby.

PS - if the OWC's are moving toward a more monthly, but shorter format, that would be brilliant for me.