The Big Bad by O'Brother Grimm - Short, Horror, Sci Fi - Making it out of the woods will be saving Grace. 2 pages. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Really like this one. Very creative and the writing itself is mostly spot-on. Great work here. :)

Very nicely written, descriptively excellent.

I knew where this was going more or less from the get go, but that's not a bad thing here.

My only minor gripe is that you could've given us more peril and scares as you had 4 pages to spare.

Hey there Grimm,

That was short! Surprised there ain’t more reviews yet, folk usually go for the low page counts first. Anyway, let’s do this...

Writing - good
Parameters - met
Filmability on budget - borderline
Engaging? - I’d say so

It was short, pacing was really good and it just did what it was supposed to! Even had a bit of comedy at the end, just shows you don’t need the full page count.

Top stuff writer!

Cam

This was an entertaining read and a bit clever in addressing the parameters - tell a story that has nothing to do with the parameters and then wrap it up at the end with one paragraph telling us what we saw was all VR. Clever.

Future shock and horror?? I don't know - that's a tough call since all of it was imaginary. ... i.e., it was a story about two kids playing with a VR so any VR game would suffice.

I'll let it go.

Nice writing - I was entertained.

Hi writer,

Sorry, ain’t got  me a ton ‘o feedback for this script I’m afraid. In my defense… it’s only a few pages. And at only 2 pages, I can’t say there was anything mind-bending about it.

That being said, I think you did a great job working a simple horror tale into something palatable for the challenge, so… yeah, easy and fun, and it works. Best of luck.

**SPOILERS**

This was entertaining.

However, I am not a fan of those stories that end up in the protagonist waking up from a dream. In other words, whatever we watched as an audience was a lie.

I always felt that it's cheating, to justify everything going on in the story. But, that's just my personal opinion. No complaints about the writing though. It was well written.

Definitely well written as Grace makes her way through the forest. It becomes apparent half-way through that we're in a re-imagining of Little Red Riding Hood. This is the 2nd one I've read about virtual reality and I agree with what's been said that VR kind of removes the stakes a little bit.

AJR

The logline is a mishmash of metaphors that doesn't really tell anyone what to expect in the story. Cute pun, though.

Fancy font-work on the title page will earn you some ire from certain readers.

Should start with "FADE IN:" and end with "FADE OUT."

This may be pushing it on the modest budget front, but I'm sure some creative director can figure it out.

Spoilers:

The "it was all a dream" ending is an overdone and unsatisfying trope. It'd be fine as an OPENING to a somewhat longer story that parallels some elements of the initial chase. Understandable that under the time constraint we only got this bit.

That was a quick read and quite entertaining. No issues with the writing and I've got to let the VR slide since it was the first option in the OWC tech parameters. After all, Marty experienced the 'horror' through Grace.

My biggest gripe is that there could've been so much more. Time crunch maybe? You quit too early. Grace could've had more choices during her travels through the wood.

None the less, fit the challenge. Good work, writer.

I wonder why two teenage boys with virtual reality headsets would be playing at Little Red Riding Hood. Seems a bit out of character for me.

Nice wee twist though.

Well done.

Story:  Thankful for a 2 pager!  Was quick but still packed a lot into the story.  Could kind of see what was going to happen because there hadn’t been any sci fi up until almost the very end. Solid stuff.

Characters: Is Grace a character?  I guess so – she definitely makes you feel the panic for her and the choices she makes, so thumbs up.  

Dialogue:  Not much dialogue so nothing really to judge here.

Writing:  Overall very good.  Nicely crafted action lines and a good setting of the mood and nailing the final twist.

Meeting the challenge:  Sort of light on the sci fi front, since VR is already in vogue, so not sure how it works into the challenge here, but I’m being lenient as the writing makes up for it.    

Well written, very evocative – but was predictable and didn’t really fit the brief of showing science and technology leading to horrific consequences. Why would the boy be so scared if he's aware it's a VR game? More of a writing exercise than a story.

Well done on fitting that all in to 2 pages. The writing was decent with some nice, clear visuals. The end for me was a bit 'meh", but it works in the sense that you were able to meet the requirements by doing so.

Good luck with it.

It was fun and short.

Picked a couple to read while I have the strength lol.  Well written this, and wasn’t sure where it was heading - the mix of future tech and horror as the theme is a tough gig.

Groaned a little at the punchline but it was inventive I guess.  So yeah good job

Hmm, they're just playing a game - and a rather tame and odd choice of game for two teen guys.

As an audience member I doubt I'd be scared watching this Lara Croft-lite scene.

Argh, did we really need: a growing wet spot on his crotch.

I'm being a bit harsh, sorry.

If they'd signed up to play in an experimental fully immersive horror VR game, aware they were playing it, then perhaps trapped inside it and trying to get back to their real lives, then yeah...

You wrote this nicely but it had the vibe of unreal video game from the get-go. 'Pans to her right and left' is kinda a dead giveaway given it's a film term.

P.S. 'soft duff'? Sounds nice, sorta onomatopoeia. Is it a real word?

I doubt this is easily filmable, having a child hanging from a flimsy rope bridge over a canyon while a (presumably) CGI beast stalks her is not cheap.

However, it was really well written and did a remarkable amount in two pages. I saw the obvious Red Riding Wolf angle and thus this screamed out to me that this was Virtual Reality on the first page. As someone else pointed out, VR is the new 'it was all a dream'.

Near future, sci-fi and horror boxes ticked. I just wish you'd taken this further and had four pages to give this a much needed new twist. I suspect time, or lack of it, played a big part but this writer sure knows how to write.

-Mark

i can't complain about the writing. short, descriptive, sets the mood.

as far as the overall story? sure whatever, kids playing a VR game or Little Red Riding Hood. i guess the VR portion qualifies as "horror."

this just feels like a scene from something else, moreso than a complete story, but that's probably just a nitpick.

Great writing, visual and a strong horror vibe. The VR element turns something cliché into slightly fresher fare. I, too, dislike the "it was all fake" ending but it works for this, and it's the only way this fits the criteria. I'm also fine with the length, it ended when it should have. More would have diluted it.

My only real beef is there's no story, no character development, no beginning. It pops us into the middle and it ends. It still works for what it is, which basically amounts to a glimpse at the potential of mainstream VR, but that's about it.

Nice job.

Bravo 2 pages - wish we had more like that.

I think for the VR twist to work there needs to be something else.

I agree the wee spot helped, so to speak, but I wonder whether there needs to be more stakes, once we know it is VR

Interesting one to play around with.

If it's gonna end as a joke, I think the funnier one would be that Marty flails in panic and accidentally pushes Billy out a window.

Either way, what I think this is really missing is the sense that something doesn't go as it should, or that some real decisions are made. Maybe Billy in some way diverges from the game as it's supposed to be played, uses the beast in a way he's not supposed to. I dunno. Currently, the whole story is just that we watch two kids play.

Nicely written.

Well...2 pages.

Writing is good, but you missed 2 apostrophes near the end - Grace's, and BOYS'.

This is not a story, just a little scene, with a twist thrown in at the end.

There is horror in the script, and although nothing really happens, you write the horror, as in the way you wrote, which is good, as most can't do that to save their miserable lives.

There is future shock, which is revealed at the very end.

There's just so little here, though, it's hard to really grade this.

***

Hmm, the whole bridge-shaking sequence is gonna be pricey as shit, but otherwise, the script meets that criteria I guess. I think the tension could've been set up better at the beginning -- perhaps seeing her tiptoe through the woods, trying to be quiet and then she steps on a twig and goes still. Rather than hearing the twig and then being introduced to her. I saw the twist coming because there was absolutely no element of sci-fi in the first page and a half. Especially after seeing that this was only 2 pages long, I figured it was just a VR simulation. It was well written enough. But it didn't really do much for me.

-- Michael

Yeah, so this was my 20 minute speed challenge with the clock ticking. Of course there were four pages for more but I was lucky to get this done. Appreciate all the feedback and comments. You never know, I might turn this into another three page Hyper Epic.