Retribution by The Masked Avenger - Short, Horror - A young black couple are cyber-targeted because of their protest rallies, but can they count on the police for help? 6 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Topical.

For me, Somethings worked , somethings didn’t.

The set up I liked. The organiser, from their room, trying to make things happen.

The hijacking, was ok, but I’m never a great fan of some all powerful thing, eg computer hack, that’s has total control, a touch unbelievable, but that’s me.

The police - humm, saw that one. The ghost through the window, I’m mixed on. If our genre was different, that’s ok. But I’m not sure how it works now.

However, I do like it. Karma so to speak.

For a week, this is a thought out effort and a suitable blend of the here and now, plus a touch of future control. Felt a bit more drama than horror, until the unexplained ghost.

Got potential and in the here and now, could be interesting with revisions.

Well, this is well written and specifically is set in the very near future... but I don't really see any use of future tech in here, as hacking and phone jamming already exist.

And the end, sorry but I've read it twice now and I can see no setup for the apparition appearing, have I missed something? As it stands this threw me out of the story, but could be on me.

This may work better outside of the confines of the OWC as a straight drama.

Hi writer,

Outside of the banality of the media driven premise behind the plot, I did get a kick out of the supernatural angle. Especially now that the future resembles a constant jackboot on our face, it’s hard to determine what is and what is not controlling forces from beyond; is it AI, or is it something a little more spiritual than that? The ghost in the machine for some, vis-ŕ-vis, Keith and Nisha’s predicament, or Kingston and Willis’ situation that can be seen… but unbelievable to the eyes and mind.

The deeper we dive under the surface of the bullshit going on around us, the more we understand that something, or someone somewhere is usually pulling the strings; just because you can’t see it, or can’t believe it, doesn’t mean it’s not happening. ‘Twas like a Creepshow Tale that was fun to read.

Don’t quite get the two opening headers.

Quoted Text EXT. NISHA’S RESIDENCE - NIGHT INT. SUBURBAN HOUSE - BEDROOM - NIGHT

Shouldn’t both be the same – either NISHA’S RESIDENCE OF SUBURBAN HOUSE

Some of the dialogue was a bit OTN  They are telling each other things they already know f or our sake.

Future shock??? God that's a stretch - I mean a real stretch - hacking computers is old stuff and you failed to look for even a new twist on it.

Well written for sure - but it screamed like I have a solid drama about the BLM movement and I am going to squeeze it into these parameters.

Hey writer!

It’s current, it’s impactful with the symbolism, but it felt like massive broad strokes with no real character building. The officers seem one dimensional, as to the two central protagonists, and then the ghost thing kinda came out of no where.

The tech stuff wasn’t really there, so it’s a no go for me sadly on that front, but it could have a life outside the OWC as I’m sure this sort of script fits the furious backdrop that is understandably dominating US cities at the moment, and is likely to roll till at least November.

You need to build your characters, give them a reason and being, other than that they are there to suit the narrative. Then break and bend them, that’ll really bring the pain out and drag the reader into their struggle.

Best of luck,

Cam

Very relative and current but not extraordinary by any means. The antagonists being the cops was no surprise. Not sure if there's a single LA cop that uses a revolver these days either.

Decent writing style with nothing to really de-rail the reader. A couple lines of dialogue didn't flow realistic though.

I would really have liked to know something about the spirit. Who was he and how did he meet his end (besides being hung).

Good work, writer.

The cops turning out to be bad is no surprise to anyone, so this part of the story needs work. The avenging angel turning out to be the ghost of a man who was lynched was a surprise—and perfect. However, Nisha and Keith leaving it all up to the Spirit to defend them seems like a questionable dramatic choice. I think the story would be stronger if they had some part in bringing the cops down.

Story: Look, I know you’re probably trying to score points with current events, but if you don’t have a coherent story to begin with you’re just wasting time and groveling for attention for your paper-thin story.  The plot points are incredibly weak and conjured up just to gin up support for the protagonists.  There doesn’t seem to a rational explanation for the appearance of the ghost – why show up there?  Why wasn’t this ghost at other times when injustice was happening?  You mean the ghost just now has had enough?  That’s one lame-ass ghost.  Weak, unconvincing story to me.

Characters: No depth to the characters. They were all just a bunch of Johnny one-notes that parrot what society is saying about blacks and about cops.  No nuance even attempted.  Bland and uninteresting.

Dialogue:  On the nose for the most part.  Could have been worse, I suppose.

Writing:  Didn’t do anything for me really. Sorry to be harsh, but this really needs a lot of work.

Hey writer,

Sure, there is almost no future tech involved. It would be difficult to weave that into your narrative as you would have to give the LAPD superpowers.  Also, I believe you wanted to say murder/suicide instead of murder/homicide.

However, I think this is a strong entry with a good central idea in the apparition. Parameter bending, maybe, however as a writer I'd rather have a marketable and topically relevant script emerge from this exercise than to have to shoehorn in random bogeymen and gadgetry.

And as for the scares Libby was asking for, listen, horror comes in all forms. Horror terrorizes, and you can terrorize in a lot of ways. There doesn't have to be blood dripping from a hairy-fanged beast for horror to be present. Scorsese terrorized Griffin Dunne with a Mister Softee truck in AFTER HOURS, after all...

So yes, weak on parameters, strong on social relevance. I think it's a little too talky, because we get that the Caucasian cops are there to assault the African-American organizers, so I think you spend a little too much time setting up that they are part of the protests. I think we can infer that.

Also, I think that making the cops the outright bad guys is an oversimplification. There are good cops that are Caucasian, and there are bad cops that are African-American, and everywhere in between. Perhaps think about making these guys KKK disguised as cops.

As for the script itself, you could spend more time on the apparition; I wouldn't make it generic. It lacks pop that way. Make it a 14 year-old boy. Give Emmett Till his due.

Just my two cents;

Nice job with this -

AJR

There is no future tech in here at all, which would be tricky as it's set a few months from now anyway.

I appreciate the current social commentary and think we are about to see this a lot in upcoming TV shows and movies.

The cops being the bad guys was very obvious, no surprise there.

What did come as a surprise - out of left field appeared a ghost that can kill people! No explanation whatsoever. If ghosts could interfere and exact revenge/retribution why wait until this one moment to show up?

This felt like several ideas shoehorned together to fit the OWC and didn't work for me, but I appreciate the efforts and the work you put into it.

-Mark

Why are the opening Slugs different?  Is this the same place?

OK, so we're obviously not very far in the future at all...if any, which will most likely be an issue.  Oh...now I see we're 8 months or so into the future.

On Page 3, we have yet another different Slug.  WTF?  Why aren't you being consistent?  It's a classic mistake that you seriously need to address.

Slugs are just terrible, sorry to say.  Just awful.

Dialogue is extremely unrealistic, OTN, and off-putting.

OK, the end.  So, all of a sudden, this "spirit" comes to the rescue, huh?  Isn't that convenient to this story, though.

Uh, this isn't for me in any way.  The writing is poor, the story thrown together with no reason for literally anything going on, the horror comes completely out of left field and I see no future shock here, nor do I find what you believed to be future shock remotely possible in a few months.

*

I didn't think it was too bad until the ghost rocked up (8 months too late) and I actually laughed out loud. Which I'm sure wasn't what you intended.

Plus the police turning out to be the baddies is hackneyed and divisive... perhaps if one of them could have been black themselves that might have selvaged it, and even given it a more interesting take.

the writing was decent enough though.

Here we go, a topical idea.

Strange visual to have posters of dead people on the wall like that even if she’s a protestor. It makes it seem like a kid idolizing rock stars and I’m not sure that message/visual works.

Too much reading of texts. Making the antagonist a text message more than once or twice is tedious and feels lazy.

Cops are there, think I see where this is heading…

Ok, yeah, dirty racist cops.  Sure, whatever, fuck em.

It’s hard to say “the Spirit wsn’t set up well” in a 6 page script, but I feel like there has to be some kind of indication we’re heading towards supernatural in the first page. Something, anything. She’s reading an article about the spirit and says something aloud along the lines of “this is for you, your death will not be in vain” then we get a visual hint that she may have evoked the spirit. You know what I’m saying?

It just feels like it comes out of nowhere, even in a short. Pictures on the wall aren’t enough. This spirit should have a history.

Page 1: Not only do you pack in every possible visual but you also have an expository phone call, all just to get across that Nisha's politically active. We get this central aspect of her personality -- I would try using these early moments and especially that first piece of dialogue to establish something about Nisha as a person. How she talks on the phone could tell us a lot about what she's like, but instead, currently, it's just doubling up on the exposition. Show us here that she's a good leader, or a too-emotional person, or that she hates incompetence, or whatever -- show us a piece of her personality.

"...if you dare" is a silly and un-threatening thing to say.

After that it reads pretty breezy. Obviously we know what the cops are going to be up to, and I think you have Nisha and Keith looking a bit silly -- they have spent a lot of time viewing cops as enemies, and I think their lack of wariness here is strange.

If you're introducing a ghost later, set it up early.

The deus ex machina can work, but it doesn't here. It works in Indiana Jones because Indy's character arc is about a faithless man learning to take something on faith. In order for it to work with Nisha, we need to know how this experience changes her, why she had to have it now.

And, a final thought that's very much just my personal taste -- if the Spirit does show up, I hope it thinks of something better than the eye-for-an-eye retribution of ghostly nooses.

I like the tense situation between the officers and the couple. The idea of police using technology to track down and punish protesters is truly frightening. You really have something here. The appearance of the ghost was a bit of a letdown. I wanted to see how Nisha and Keith would resolve this on their own without supernatural intervention. What would that have looked like? It might be interesting to experiment with a different ending.

Sorry writer, but this one doesn't work for me on any level.

Very messy. Choppy writing, on the nose dialog, and story that just doesn't really make sense to me.

I'd suggest a heavy rewrite.

Best of luck to you.

Well. It's a fittingly uncomfortable read for the first few pages. It felt genuine. I was nervous and excited about where it could possibly be heading. Solidly hooked.

I really dislike deus ex machina. That it comes in the form of an avenging spirit is the last thing I expected, and while that's usually a good thing, here it felt incredibly out of place and a little insulting. No avenging spirit is going to address the issues so blatantly on display here. If you're going to shine a spotlight on the issues, follow through with a message.

Strong potential, the ending just didn't work for me.