On The Grassy Knoll by Puddin' Tane - Short, Sci Fi - Bill and Barb discuss their future on the grassy knoll. 3 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Alright Writeroo!

Sooooo, I used to do these OWC’s a lot, haven’t in a while, so forgive me for any potentially rusty reviews as I dust down my marking pencil of doom and attempt to fumble my way around these works of wonder...

It read like a sketch in a show, and tbh I was a bit confused abut exactly what was going on. The writing itself is technically fine, if not actually good and solid, but the plot was a bit confusing and despite 2 reads i didn’t quite figure it out (might just be me).

Parameter wise, I’m not sure the technology angle was there, and the feel of a sketch kinda dragged the horror out of it if I’m honest, so not quite there for me I’m afraid.

Still, was a nice little read, and just because I don’t think it fits doesn’t mean I didn’t enjoy it.

Best of luck,

Cam

The writing is solid... That's about all I got for positives.

Pretty boring for such a short script, sorry to say. On the second page, Barb and Bill seem to flip flop on if they want to survive.

I don't see any sci-fi or horror here.

Sorry to sound so negative. Like I said, the writing itself is good. Story just doesn't do it for me.

Quoted Text BILL (30s, well dressed) and BARB (30s, well dressed), lay sprawled on the ground next to each other. Gasping for air.

A bit of a clunky start – lies not lay, well-dressed is too pedestrian/vague  – business casual or formal dress and an Armani suit?

The dialogue is too OTN in a could of spots - for example - people don't tell each other what year it is.

Okay - sorry I am lost - read it twice and have no idea what is going on. I mean, I was interested to see what developed - but nothing did.  The last add is that I wouldn't have been able to guess what the parameters for the OWC was from reading this.

This reads like the ending of a story where something bad has happened. Sort of like a prologue that entices you to read the book to find out what led to this. But an ending without any context isn’t a story. The characters were written as they are in order to prove the “truth” of the aphorism spelled out at the end.  That’s the epitome of “telling” not “showing.”

Agree with what's been said already, not sure how much I can add. This is all dialogue with the theme given to us at the end. As Spqr says, the action and dialogue should show, and support, the theme. You had 3 pages to play with, so in the future don't be afraid to dig in to the story, and now with the parameters of the exercise gone you have as many pages as you like, and you can expand this to "show" us a bit more.

Good luck with it!

AJR

Nicely written but I don't know what the point of the story is.

On The Grassy Knoll

Wow.

Clocking in at just over two pages.  
Seemed like a political ad, or a commercial about expensive health care.
Actually, I don't know what this was about.

Watch your dialog.  This read like bad soap opera.  

Thanks for entering the contest.

Good luck in the finals.

Damn, I was hoping for JFK based time travel ;-(

Instead we get a morality sketch about capitalism?

Not for me I'm afraid but well done on entering.

Didn't work for me either.

As people mentioned, nothing is going on here. The writing is so aimless that you have to put a SUPER, in the end, to let the readers know what exactly you wanted to say.

Congrats on entering the contest.

Should start with "FADE IN:" and end with "FADE OUT." but otherwise technically fine.

This seems like the after-credits epilogue of a longer story. I got what they were talking about, so the writing was clear in that sense, but...

That's a LOT of talking for two people out of breath and gasping for air.

Not entirely sure what was going on to be honest, nothing to hint at the threat other than some breathlessness.

Formatted properly though.

Well done.

Hi writer,

Are we talking about getting chipped or something here, or death comes knocking via… something ominous controlled by the forces that be? Perhaps a virus was released, and everyone needs to be vaccinated with a monetary/social credit score chip in order to survive? But… you have to pay for it?

That’s all I could take away from this.

Story: Wait, what? They are the last two people alive in 2036 – did I read that right? And they’re going to extinguish humankind because they don’t want to pay for it?  Pay who, if they’re the only ones left?  I guess the takeaway from this is what the SUPER says.  Seemed more like a sketch, but it certainly wasn’t a bad one, at least, and easily filmable.  

Characters: Both Bill and Barb start out as interesting characters, and then we find out how shallow they really are.  Good job at making that transition.

Dialogue:  It wasn’t Aaron Sorkin but it did what it needed to do, which is get you invested in what was going on with these two.  A little on the nose at times, but otherwise okay.

Writing:  Told a story that wasn’t meandering, not confusing, and a nice twist at the end, so pretty good in my book.

Meeting the challenge:  Well, it’s set in the future, but hard to see the sci-fi or the horror here.  Some people will DQ it for that, but frankly, I don’t care.  I just liked the story.

Didn’t do anything for me. People are too greedy to save themselves if it means helping someone else – cutting off their nose to spite their face. Nice theme but needs a better story.

WTF was that?

I thought they were going to have to assassinate JFK to save mankind!

As it was, I have no idea what they were doing on that grassy knoll or why. It had something to do with all life ending, but no sci-fi. horror - only the low budget angle ticked.

Sorry.

-Mark

i guess there's a message here?

if anything, i like the visual of the last 2 people alive struggling like that. maybe i'm sick in the head, but you can feel their struggle at least.

not much to add. don't think this was successful, but i appreciate the quick read.

How...political. Doesn't meet the criteria in any way.

Shoot it. It'll get views. That's all I can say about it.

Not what I expected. I thought for sure this was going to be a time travel story back to Dallas in '63. Nope. Not buying into this one. Not with MY money, anyway.

Interesting story, I'll give you that. I have to admit that the Line "He pulled even with her head" kind of threw me until I realized what you meant.

Not sure where the horror and sci-fi factors in. Thanks for entering.

Rarely am I short for words on a review, but I sure am here.

No horror.  No Future Shock.  No clue.

Terrible dialogue. No characterization.  No story.  No clue.

Sorry, but this is very poor.

*

This kind of made me happy.

cos I don't know:

Lol?

Got filmed by an Arts High School AV dept.  I don't know how to share it, but I think it's pretty cool.  They did a great job.

I probably should have responded at the time this was reviewed, but I was fairly depressed at the time, so I didn't feel up to it.  I'll do it now.  When the theme was posted, it  brought my most horrifying fear of the human race's future right to the top.  We as a species have made money so important, I truly believe that in the future, if the survival of the human race is threatened, and we even have the technology to save ourselves, the last two beings on the planet will die on the ground next to each other, still arguing over who is going to pay for it.

I know it missed the criteria, but it was something I needed to get out.  I for one, find it pretty horrifying, and I so badly hope that my assessment would be wrong.

Congrats, Steven!

If you're having trouble sharing the film, contact Don I'm sure he'll help you out.
Would love to see it.  :D

Quoted from LC Congrats, Steven! If you're having trouble sharing the film, contact Don I'm sure he'll help you out. Would love to see it.  :D

Thank you, LC.  It was shared with me on Google Drive.  I had a difficult time figuring out how to see it myself.  I watched it on my phone.  I've never watched a video on my phone before.  Too bloody small.  If I can find a way, I'll share it.

You know, I never realized it at the time, but Jeff (Dreamscale) even took a moment to sign in as a guest so he could denigrate it.  Makes it being filmed that much sweeter.  Thanks Jeff.  :)

Quoted from steven8 Thank you, LC.  It was shared with me on Google Drive.  I had a difficult time figuring out how to see it myself.  I watched it on my phone.  I've never watched a video on my phone before.  Too bloody small.  If I can find a way, I'll share it. You know, I never realized it at the time, but Jeff (Dreamscale) even took a moment to sign in as a guest so he could denigrate it.  Makes it being filmed that much sweeter.  Thanks Jeff.  :)

Congratulations Steven, I hope you figure out a way to share it with us.


P.s He wouldn't have been a guest at the time he made the comment. When a user is removed, all of their previous posts appear as "Guest User"

Quoted from Matthew Taylor Congratulations Steven, I hope you figure out a way to share it with us. P.s He wouldn't have been a guest at the time he made the comment. When a user is removed, all of their previous posts appear as "Guest User"

Thanks Matthew.  Jeff was my buddy.  We wrote back and forth all the time.  I just missed the fact that he was here, and didn't know he was removed.  A testament to my state of mind at the time.  His reviews were like chemo treatments, though -- sledgehammer therapy.   ;D

Quoted from steven8 His reviews were like chemo treatments, though -- sledgehammer therapy.   ;D

Jeff was awesome. His reviews were honestely some of the most helpful that I ever recieved here on SS. He is missed.  :'(

Quoted from Zack Jeff was awesome. His reviews were honestely some of the most helpful that I ever recieved here on SS. He is missed.  :'(

As I said, I hadn't realized he'd gone.  It is sad.  Do you know if he gave up on script writing, or did he just stop posting on the boards?

I didn't realise Jeff had left for good. He was a complete nutter, in a good way, and I'm sad such a character has gone.

But I'm so glad you got this filmed! It just goes to show that if you believe in something,  just go for it. I admire the fact you wrote something you needed to write. It shows a great depth of character to shrug off heavy criticism and to carry on regardless. Well done,  congratulations!

Quoted from MarkRenshaw I didn't realise Jeff had left for good. He was a complete nutter, in a good way, and I'm sad such a character has gone. But I'm so glad you got this filmed! It just goes to show that if you believe in something,  just go for it. I admire the fact you wrote something you needed to write. It shows a great depth of character to shrug off heavy criticism and to carry on regardless. Well done,  congratulations!

Thanks Mark.