Metallic Pill by 0 - Short, Horror, Sci Fi - An innovative biotechnology transforms a married couple. 6 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

I think the central idea here is excellent, reminds me of a recent Black Mirror episode - always good.

SPOILER

But the way it went with the products not working as planned, with no explanation, felt a mistep imho and it sort of went in too standard a direction.

I think there's a great premise here, but needs more work to make it sing.

Hi writer,

Got about halfway through and it hit me; proverbially, so to speak. As in, an itch I couldn’t scratch, then…

à la Rod Serling:

“Mr. and Mrs. John Holt, aging people who slowly and with trembling fingers turn the last pages of a book of life and hope against logic and the preordained that some magic printing press will add to this book another limited edition. But these two senior citizens happen to live in a time of the future where nothing is impossible, even the trading of old bodies for new. Mr. and Mrs. John Holt, in their twilight years, who are about to find that there happens to be a zone with the same name.”

That of course is a cut and paste from ‘wiki-lies’, but it seems to ring soundly from what I remember.

The Trade-Ins" is episode 96 of the Twilight Zone. Bad thing, no… not at all. Just me thinking out loud. I liked the premise behind the motive you scripted, but genetic modification might be out of scope for the theme/genre…? But then again, what is Sci-fi but shit that is happening right now, only embedded within media as ‘fiction’. BTW, I heard they have now moved Orwell’s ‘1984’ from the fiction section over to ‘American Policy’, so yeah… your story is quite scary, and funny at times, as in:

RECORDED VOICE (V.O.)(from phone)
You've reached Lambert Technologies. Effective immediately, we ask customers to discard all of our physiology products. Call local authorities if there's been any recent use...

Said no pharmaceutical company… ever, lol.

It reminded me of being in the states and the shit they would run on the hotel tv’s (commercials for prescription meds) was terrifying. Most times, the listed side effects being 100 times worse than the ailment they’re supposedly trying to cure (eg: if you experience a loss of reason, shortness of breath, or a sudden and violent discharge of blood from your anus, etc…)

‘Metallica Pill’ would be even more badass! Who wouldn’t want to be a Heavy Metal thug the likes of James Hetfield for a few hours or days, lol.

Anyway, I enjoyed the read, and it fit the theme well.

Quoted Text Darcie scrolls, stopping on a sleek, sexy fitness instructor with rock-hard abs, nothing like Darcy's jiggly tummy.

Darcie’s – not Darcy’s

Quoted Text DARCIE Remember, after you swallow that pill, you can't leave the property until the process is over. If you leave, it's instant imprisonment from the feds. The pills have embedded tracking devices

Way to OTN – whenever characters are sharing information for our purposes only – you are going to run into this problem. It’s kind of a problem throughout the script.

So the action and description were real solid - I thought the dialogue was several cuts below that.

The story was cool - solid premise.

Well, I wish she found the pills too first before she SPOILERS disapeared into the night.

Nice story and well told. I think you could cut a bit on explanations. Like the sentence where you let know that they got 3 hours is not needed. it could also be a bit funnier.

It kept me on my toes. Very entertaining!

I like the concept very much.

I do think it might work better if the couple are older to begin with though. They're only in their forties?
A little flash of The Hulk came through and the oozing stuff , hmm, not sure it qualified for me at least, horror wise.

fish-belly skin.
That description kinda threw me. For a minute I wondered if he changed into something not human.

I really like the idea of swallowing a pill to become more youthful and it all going pear shaped, but I think it needs a bit more...

I wasn't really scared... But some nice humour throughout.

Reading thru:

Page 1, Darcie dumps the info about the rules around the pill. Doesn't ring true - feels like they'd have had an extensive discussion about this before this stage. I know you have to have exposition in a six page script but it was very OTN

Well written technically, reads well

Underwhelming and lacks surprises. I knew it would go wrong, and it does, and then we're left on a bad note. I think it needs more of a surprise and a shock for readers. It also involves a lot of SFX for what would be a five minute short and there's not so much pay off for it.

Good job though :)

Hey Writer!

So, Neo sits down with Morpheus and he has to choose...the blue pill, the red pill or THE METALLIC PILL. The Morph dawg regrets the revision to Matrix enrolment policy immediately.

It was really well written, you know that? I hope you do, because it was! Ticked the parameters, could be done on a budget with doubles/a room to trash. It wasn’t really that horrific, more violent, but in Terms of genre that’s quite a subjective borderline call so it passes for me.

Main criticism, tidy up the writing on the front two pages. Very exposition-ally, on the nose dialogue, and if I’m honest you nearly lost me at that point. But the rest of it was good enough to make up for the start.

Nice stuff!

Cam

I respect the effort and the theme here. So many of us have body image issues that I think this can resonate with a large group of people. What are we willing to risk to have that feeling, of a super powerful dude, or a head-turning woman?

Agree with a few here that some of the dialogue was OTN in order to set the parameters of the pill. For me, then, it got a bit confusing as the married couple are talking about their neighbors who do this all the time, and then it goes horribly awry for them, to the point where in the span of 24 hours there's a recall issued on a recorded 800 line but not on the news.

Also, I think I missed why the husband was melting and the wife was okay?

Very well written and thought-provoking -

AJR

The FDA really dropped the ball on this pill. I might have taken this effort more seriously if the pill wasn’t large and metallic. Are we sure Darcie and Ruben aren’t misusing a sex toy? While I found this script somewhat humorous, I failed to detect where the “horror” part of the challenge came in. Modifying the body by artificial means is a worn-out trope, but this pill’s requirement that the transformer can’t leave his/her home would seem to limit its attractiveness to most people. However, I can see where a slight modification would revolutionize our penal institutions: have the pill instill agoraphobia in users. That way criminals would imprison themselves in their own homes or whatever, and thus free prison guards to utilize their skills elsewhere.

Classic 'Be careful what you wish for / Be happy with who you are' scenario.  Very neat twist with the tracker system that detects you 'leaving the scene'.  Well done.

Quoted from ajr Also, I think I missed why the husband was melting and the wife was okay?

Maybe because he took a lot of pills and she just one.

Story:  Interesting premise – you can take a pill which turns you into someone else, but only within the confines of your home.  So really it’s for people who are unhappy with their spouse or partner.  The twist on this was interesting enough although maybe I’m not completely on board with the final tag about the recall. Others may like it as is and that’s fine.

Characters: Ruben and Darcie are both well-drawn; unhappy with themselves, and maybe with each other, and their desire to be (and to be with) someone else certainly strikes a chord in all of us. But predictably they get what’s coming to them.  Liked them both.

Dialogue:  Good, liked the banter between them.

Writing:  Overall good.  No complaints from me.

Meeting the challenge:  Definitely was sci-fi.  I think the horror angle was also included with Ruben’s (literal) meltdown.  Overall good job here.

Hey Writer,

I don't have much to say that hasn't been said already. I enjoyed it, it's well written, and it's built off a really interesting premise.

Good stuff!

I loved the concept. I think it ticks the sci-fi, horror and low budget angle. I just doubt we'll invent pills that transform us into completely different beings in the next 50 years.

The setup is awkward with some terrible exposition. Any dialogue which starts with 'Remember" is like a massive big exposition red flag. You can ditch this as we get the jist of what's going on later on as the action unfolds.

I'd suggest starting with choosing their new bodies, cut the explanation bits and get the juicy brown goo flowing! It's such a joy to read after this and I'd encourage you to go further with this outside the OWC.

Well done!

-Mark

Great premise but it went a different way than I thought.

If you make them older, and have Ruben/Anton come in the room, lusting, right? Then poor Darcie’s pill hasn’t kicked in yet but Anton doesn’t care. Darcie tried to stop him but to no avail. End it right there with her muffled screams from outside the door and you have a nasty horror. It’s brutal but it works. Anyway just a suggestion.

A good sparse script with cool concept

Good concept. I enjoyed that.

Anton and Elka - sounds alike a couple of strictly come dancing !!

That the pills makes something go wrong is hardly unexpected, but in a way that’s fine. The addition of elka at the end is a good twist, despite it meant to happening.

I think it could do with a polish in dialogue and the scene playout but every script does.

Also keeps to the criteria, horror, suspense, low budget, contained.

Well done

Feel like all this dialogue is stuff they would have discussed prior to possessing the pills.

Fish belly skin?

This syrup is confusing me.

I like the overall idea. Not sure I like the story. A Pill that temporarily changes you is cool though.

Oh and this would obviously be kinda expensive with all the damage being done.

Love the idea of a pill that temporarily transforms your body. But this one didn't quite do it for me.

The writing isn't bad, though I think you could be a bit more descriptive. Dialog is pretty bland.

Good effort here. :)

Well, that was fun. My only issue in regards to the challenge is this occurring in the near future/our lifetime. Don't think so. Regardless, liked the concept and banter. A quick and easy read. Really enjoyed it, thank you for entering.

Nice work. Good luck, writer.