The Tie by Nick Barnett - Short, Drama - Adam is student in college but one night he snaps. 5 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Nick:

You need a title page.

The water coloring marks are a distraction.

No need to number scenes.

Quoted Text INT. ADAM'S CAR - NIGHT 1

Just NIGHT or DAY - lose the 1

Quoted Text Driving the car is ADAM, a young man 19, wearing a uniform from his job at the movie theater driving and singing along to the song on the radio. He pulls into the parking lot of the college he is attending.

Look to write in an active/present voice, It'll read crisper if lose the "is" and "ing" words. i.e., drives rather than is driving. e.g.,

ADAM (19), wearing a movie theater uniform, sings along with a song on the radio as he drives.  and singing along

Hi Nick.

Sorry to be blunt here. But, If I weren't -Id be doing you no favour.

Poorly written  - no story.. No ending either. Seems as if you wrote this simply cause you wanted to write something?

You may have heard this.. Or you will still.. The one thing that was DRILLED into me when I first started writing, has; READ AS MUCH SCRIPTS AS YOU CAN! There are plenty here for starters..

And hay.. don't be despondent, keep writing.. keep writing.. Practise makes perfect.

I look forward to your next script.

Good luck.