The Killing Waters by Steve McDonell - Action - During the American Civil War, Confederate and Union soldiers must join forces to battle a huge killer shark.   112 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Steve - like the new title!

All - I have previously read and sent Steve notes - well worth the read IMO - I recommend checking it out.

Thanks Dave.  I cut 18 pages off the version you read based  on your great notes and also Ryan’s comments.  It’s been a real slog with this but it came out ok.

Will try to get to this within the next week or so, definitely on my list...

-- Michael

Quoted from stevie Thanks Dave.  I cut 18 pages off the version you read based  on your great notes and also Ryan’s comments.  It’s been a real slog with this but it came out ok.

My pleasure

Ditto to what Dave said. Terrific read. Great job, Stevie!

I read the entire script and it truly kept my interest.  Little disturbed with two characters, Hooper and Brody.  Really?  Both of those names were used in the original, "JAWS", but you made their characters slightly different in your script.  Still, I have to say, an interesting way to end it.  I kind of chuckled when I read the name of the ship.  From one shark experience to the next, I guess.  

I can see this script as a major motion picture.  Full of adventure, excitement, good vs evil, etc.  The shark seems to be this indestructible force.  I'd like to see how the special effects could be used to make this shark look realistic on the screen.

One other thing, based on similarity, when Ratcliff dies, it was pretty close to how Quint was killed in the movie, "JAWS".  Quint slides down the boat into the mouth.  Ratcliff, slides down the raft and into the mouth of the shark.  Pretty similar.  Though you described each point of Ratcliff being eaten as he slipped further and further into the mouth.  Pretty cool.

Then there is Kintner.  That last name reminds me of Alex Kintner from "JAWS".  The little boy who was eaten while on a raft.  This Kintner, in your script, is eaten while on a raft.  Pretty close, but different in the way you wrote it and the setting is different.  I find it interesting how those names are all used in your script.

Still, I really liked the story and hope it is developed some day into a major motion picture.  It would be interesting to see how it would be filmed.  Good job!!

Hey Mike, thanks for the read and review! Much appreciated and I’m glad you enjoyed it.

A little background about the writing of this:  Jaws has been my favourite film ever since I saw it at the cinema on release as a 13 year old. And being a Civil War buff, the 1989 epic Glory has been my second fave for awhile now.  Until July last year I never thought to combine the two into a script. I did dabble in the concept in the April 2014 OWC where the theme was ‘sharks’. I wrote a short called The Lagoon in which Union soldiers retrieve gold from a lagoon in South Carolina guarded by a Great White. At the end of the short the pair are heading home to their town of...Amity, with the shark following lol.

This current script is indeed paying homage to Jaws and I used a few character names. I had some of the famous lines of dialogue from Jaws, but was talked out of it lol.  Whether using actual names is a problem I’m not sure; you can look it as fan fiction, and these people are the ancestors of the chars in Jaws.

Once I had the flash of inspiration for the script, I needed to find a setting for it. There were a lot of battles during the CW on the ocean and in rivers, so the feasibility of putting a shark in there was fine. I researched a lot before deciding on the Second Battle of Sabine Pass in Texas in 1863. The early scenes of the script all actually happened and I used a lot of real names and timeline of the real history. Even some of the dialogue of the fort soldiers was documented and all authentic. The Uncle Ben was real and indeed took Union prisoners back up the Neches River to Beaumont. The prisoners did actually consider taking over the boat but it’s poor condition dissuaded them.

If this ever got made into a film, I would prefer the shark to be mechanical as opposed to CGI, so the actors could react more realistically to it like in Jaws. Modern shark CGI is pretty good - The Shallows shark looked pretty cool - but having a real presence of the beast is much better.

Anyway cheers again Mike, for the read and kind words.

Hey mate, I have this on my list. I have a busy few weeks ahead but I'll give it a read as soon as I'm not so time poor.

All good Waz  whenever you get time, mate

So I was right!  You are a "JAWS" fan and you used some of the names, in other forms, within your script.  Got it!!  "The Lagoon".  I never read that one.  Reading what you have stated it is about, I am very interested in finding this script and reading it.  "Two men at the end are swimming towards the town of Amity with the shark following".  Nice set up for Peter Benchley's "JAWS" to start.  

"GLORY".  Now you have me.  I am a huge Civil War person.  Something about the Civil War draws me in to the history and the fascination of this historical war.  The movie "GLORY" is incredible to watch, but so sad in reality of knowing how the 54th met their demise trying to overtake a fort, which was never captured by the North.  Another great Civil War movie is "GETTYSBURG".  Now, if you have three hours to sit and watch a movie, this is the one for sure.  Talk about a historical trip through the past.  "Gettysburg" delivers in every aspect of the Civil War and really shows the characters as they may have been through the actors that portrayed them.  

Combining the Civil War and a fictional story like, "JAWS", is an interesting concept.  I may have to re-read your script once again.  Though it is long due to it being a full-script, I am interested in approaching this script differently this time.  Let me take a look at this again knowing what I know now and see how I am able to enjoy it more a second time around.

If you can, let me know where I can find, "The Lagoon".  Is it here on Simply Scripts?  I am interested in reading it as well.

2:30pm:  Ok.  I have finished a second reading of this script and I have to say that I enjoyed it much more the second time around.  I even did some research while reading the script.  I looked up "The Battle of Sabine Pass".  This script deals with the second battle that happened on September 8, 1863.  Some of the characters names that were in this battle are used in this script.  I truly enjoy how the writer intertwined "JAWS" into this story.  If you read the history of the Battle of Sabine Pass, you will better understand this script as well as the historical value.

Watkins?  Ha!!  Your character's shark attack is the same as Chrissy Watkins in "JAWS".  Perfect!!

I truly would like to see this script made in to a movie.  Great job!!  I really enjoyed reading this script again.

Thanks for your kind words Mike! Glad you enjoyed reading this.

Here’s The Lagoon:

https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-OWC0414/m-1396804838/