Trumped by Barry John Terblanche - Short, Comedy - Donald Trump is shot. Nobody gives a crap! Except for the God's that argue amongst themselves.. Giving why they WILL NOT take him. 14 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hey Barry,

This seemes rushed and the punctuation and syntax is all off. For example, you use .. a number of times and I can't tell if you are one short on your ellipses or one over on your periods. And you write this 2x:

"Donald Trump has been shoot!
His not dead.. YET!"

It should be shot, not shoot, and He's, not his.

It is distracting and takes one out of the read, so I have to admit I started skimming... I see however that the story is about all the characters from the Bible going into panic mode about the taking of his soul. The repenting angle is a good one - he can say he's sorry and God has to take him - however I'm not sure why Satan's in a panic. The line "do you know how many Mexicans and Muslims I have down here?' just seems there for shock value. We can suspend belief as readers, however I'm not sure you've created a logically consistent universe. Presumably, Hitler is in Hell, so does Satan panic whenever a Jew dies?

Your theme here is "Donald Trump is such an unworthy person that not even Hell wants him" and that "he can repent and Heaven has to take him". I think it's worth exploring, however you do need to work on the execution here, this is coming off very cartoonish at the moment.

Sorry, hope this helps.

AJR

Hi Ajr

Thank you for your read and much appreciated input / comments.

The typo.. just shoot me.
~ Bloedy no guod grammor checkers (Blood no good grammar checker)


QUOTE
Mexicans and Muslims - suspended belief - logically consistent universe...

This is one of those "Whack - off-beat" COMEDY stories that we take with a pinch of salt and at best, take a good laugh out of it.. Lets just have a good laugh at old Donald.   ;D

Thanks again Ajr





  

Yo Barry,

Read this one. First of all, kudos for writing a comedy. You know it is tough of all things out there.

But the thing is, there are significant evidences of punctuation errors and typos in your script, which just takes the reader out and is also quite distracting. I highly suggest you use some grammar check tool and proofread your script firsthand.

Other than this, the script is about bashing DT(which you had a thread for), it is a nice read overall.

Good luck.

I took the time and read this one.  Still, I have not found the "comedy" in this script.  The use of grammar is completely out of text.  A lot of punctuation and misspelling in this script takes away from what you are trying to have your readers focus on, and of course that would be the story.  I was lost in this one.  I really did not find any humor in this so called "Comedy".

Keep trying and you may want to take a course in English Grammar 101.  The simplest sentence cannot even be understood in this script.

I read the first page after I read the comments. I knew there was going to be issues with the language, so I ignored that. For those who said there was no comedy, I found a joke early on that I thought was humorous. It was the 90 yo black man who was reported missing 70 years ago. ;D

The joke prior to that, DT lying on the street bloody and no ambulances were available could've been funny, but you blew it by not understanding at all how the security around a president of the US works. In other words, it wasn't funny because it was too unrealistic to be funny.

As far as the language stuff goes, just keep working at it. Plenty of people here are from other non English speaking countries and have had scripts produced and at least one won a major competition once that paid $25K. It won't be easy, but it can be done, if you don't give up.  :)

Thanks Mike and Grandma for your read and input.
Typos... I done a software grammar check after the write. But, I forgot to save it in the script. Sorry for that. And ye.. I rushed this one.