Lambs Versus Aliens by A Regular Karen - Comedy,  Whiteboard, Referee, Classroom.

Hey, this is a really good script.
It's entertaining.
All the criteria is met.

Maybe in the rewrite you could focus on a few kids and not so many and make it more about the phones throughout. Maybe you could play with someone even calling and disrupting the class or something. I mean the whole thing could be more together, and on the topic maybe so it's more interesting, but the dialog is very good as is. And overall it's a very good read.

I like how you tied it together at the end. Very impressive I say.

It was going so well for me, great banter, making me laugh but then storywise you lost me on page 4, with the devil and the saint, as if you ran out of steam. I even looked back to see if the genre was Fantasy, but nope.

Parameters were pretty straight forward here. Not out there at all really.

Great start. Points for comedy definitely.

Although this is mainly talking heads, it's very entertaining. You nicely sum up the current school generation in a funny way. The dialogue feels natural and is funny.

You ticked all the boxes as far as I could see, my only suggestion is to maybe focus the discussion a bit more as I started to drift on page three as they class spiralled away again - but maybe that is the point?

You brought it all together nicely at the end, great job!

-Mark

Hey writer,

So, nice banter from the kids; I think you do a great job in showing how precocious and self-satisfied the youth can be.

If I'm judging on criteria, I have to say that there's more than a bit of stretching here. Debating the topic we were given is not making the script ABOUT the topic. Using this approach, you can have a debate about the theme in the next four rounds as well.

And the whiteboard seems shoehorned in. I think all but the more modern ones have blackboards.

You also use the criteria of referee as a verb, more than a noun. I know that Miss "pretends" to be a referee, and is refereeING the debate, but again, I think this skirts the intent.

So when I read these, I try to be liberal in judging, criteria aside because the story won't always be bound by the restrictions, in whether you achieved what you set out to.

I think that 15 is too old for these kids. Some of the dialogue is 15 going on 30, so I'm not sure why Miss feels she has to explain what a debate is.

I too was lost on why Miss needed the angel / devil trope.

And it's tough to write classroom stuff because you've got several children participating in the discussion and you can't properly INTRO them before they speak, especially in a 5 page script. So the dialogue appears rapid and random, and it doesn't matter who's speaking it.

There are some amusing exchanges here and a sweet idea that could probably exist outside of the parameters of the challenge.

AJR

Nice use of the elements and the dialog was funny. Ai first I thought whistle was one of the items but it turned out to be referee. Still not a bad tie-in. The ending with the angel and devil wasn't as funny as the dialog between the students and even the teacher, but overall fine and I could picture the action.

Sorry, but this doesn't work at all for me.  I mean, literally, nothing works here.

No story, no plot.  No character introductions, As for comedy, I don't find any of this funny, really just a bunch of obnoxious, unrealistic talking heads.  The title doesn't make sense.  The theme has nothing to do with what it's supposed to be.  The angel/devil thing comes out of left field and doesn't have anything to do with...anything.

I just don't get it at all, and sadly have to say this one is pretty poorly thought out and executed.

This script seemed to be more about the kids projecting attitude rather than rebelling against a pleasant teacher. The Devil vs. Saint interlude is pointless because cutting them out doesn’t affect the story at all. And making the theme of the story the subject of a debate is too easy. The writer is supposed to illustrate their take on the theme, and the talking heads in this script don’t do that.

The antics of a classroom are captured nicely and you can really get the teacher's frustration. All the requisite items are present, along with some bits of humor. Maybe another line or two debating the money aspect would help solidify the theme more.

The use of PUFF instead of POOF kind of derailed me but I'll get over it.

Good job, writer.

Works well as a piece on kids in the classroom but like the kids themselves it misses on the theme and maybe that's the point - hmm, interesting.

The Devil and Saint thing didn't work for me for two reasons, tonally it just didn't gel and secondly it's normally an Angel and the devil (isn't it?) I thought maybe a Saint was your character for a moment but no.

So well written and entertaining but not quite for me.

Hi Writer,

Lucky last for me...

Quoted Text JENNY Umm, is it when people stubbornly cling to their narrow view whilst pretending to listen to others they really think are dickheads.

Funny stuff :)

Quoted Text JENNY Who invited the Karen?

Just funny because it is.

The fantastical turn feels a bit out of place.

Most of the comedy landed for me, I had a pretty good chuckle.

Just a fun entry, I enjoyed it.

All the best.

Yeah I'm with my esteemed partner on this. Read it a couple of times. It doesn't work as a comedy as it just isn't funny enough. The writing is pretty good but the subject matter doesn't grab me. The variables are actuary pretty bland so it might've worked better with some more unusual ones.

Hmmm. I got a few good laughs out of this, but somehow it didn't quite come together at the end.

I'm of mixed thoughts on the parameters. Ref? I don't know. That's a pretty big cheat. And the use of theme is very much on the line of acceptable.

I don't think I'll score down on it though. But, very close.

Overall, it was a fun script that lacked punch. Fun dialogue, light on story.

Hi, funny, relevant and socially commenting. I liked the dialogue, it was snappy and I could easily imagine the classroom and it's occupants.
Well written in my humble opinion.
Well done.

The topic of the debate was "Is money the root of all evil" but there wasn't much of that theme in the story. It was more a story of frustration and snarky kids.

The introduction of the devil and saint seemed to come out of nowhere. If they were introduced earlier on it would have worked better.

The "referee" character was forced into the story and it wasn't used much other than a whistle blow here and there.

This didn't work well for me.

I really liked your spin on the theme. Entertaining dialog. For me, the referee variable was pretty weak. She is a teacher but the way you did this, you could have said anything there to fit in a character variable.

So we have 5 pages to tell our story, which isn't a lot. You didn't properly intro 6 characters, I'm assuming to save space because you are obviously a capable screenwriter who I'm very sure knows you have to intro everyone who has dialog. You got more story in because you skimped on proper formatting. Hmm.

Best of luck to you.