Change of Heart by Anonymous - Comedy, A Deck of Cards, Postal Worker, Gym.

Funny premise.
Quite a few funny bits - the masks and how the manager tells them he's straight.
Good adherence to the criteria and the topic - it's all about the money being evil.
Nice job overall, well done.

A nitpick - there's a formatting issue in the second scene.

That’s another set of criteria I’m glad I didn’t have

I think this fair to say this was rushed. Quite a lot of writing and format issues.

Putting that to one side, does the story work.

Not really, for me.

This crazy Sal reversal and the ending didn’t quite hit the mark. The quip about the masks I liked

All the best

Pinocchio like nose? Um...

This felt thrown together and the ending didn't work for me.
Sure they guy was a Postal Worker, but that didn't really factor into the story, nor did the deck of cards.

Sal just magically turns a new leaf?
They play cards as the cops show up?

I did think the masks were funny, but there wasn't much humor for me in this comedy.

Good job getting it done.

Only one line gave me any resemblance of a chuckle:

JAY: I guess the one that doesn’t have the holes.

I don't know why but I found that funny. Good job.

The rest? Ouch. Oy vey? Jewish Mafia? A debt forgiven by the Mafia? Rob a gym? A scrawny gym manager? Well, you did get all the required components in though. Money, root of all evil is a stretch. More like gambling is the evil.

Nice work.

This read a little disjointed to me and didn't really hang together as a story.

But you did get the criteria in and a couple of lines made me smile.

Well done for getting it in.

Hi Writer,

Not a big deal, but the title page looks off center.

Quoted Text INT. GYM FLOOR JAY, 29, is at the squat rack. Military cut, in good shape.

Some funky spacing going on here.

The dialogue is on the nose.

This could use a little flair in the writing, I found it quite dull. I think this might be a newish writer.

The comedy fell flat for me, but I could see the attempts.

All the best.

Well, this certainly reads as a comedy. I won't reiterate what others have said but this didn't grip me much at all. There is a lot more opportunity for subtext here that you should be exploiting.

That's about it really. So it's a short critique from me. Nice effort. :)-ghostiegirl.

Hmm, a bit more time on this and it would be heaps better. As it is, its disjointed but has that sort of real feel about it. Some good lines too.  i would've gone full on comedy, with maybe some slapstick thrown in.

Criteria met!

Some of this works for me, other bits don't and as a result, it feels disjointed. This isn't bad, I'm sure you can piece it together more coherently given more time and think you did the best under the circumstances.

Them dressing up in gimp masks was funny and quite Tarrintino'esque.

We know why Brad is there, but why is Jay putting himself through all this risk?

Crazy Sal turning over a new leaf suddenly comes out of left field and doesn't quite resonate. You were running out of pages and had to wrap this up quickly and you can tell.

A very decent effort, well done.

_amrk

Brad and Jay aren’t the most committed of felons ( Jay, re the gun he’s holding: “I’m not planning on using this”; Brad, re the gym break-in: “This isn’t what it looks like”), which is a good place to start a comedy. Getting a reprieve from Crazy Sal is okay, but they didn’t earn it. Crazy Sal may not even belong in this script because his complete reversal in character, while good for Brad and Jay, just isn’t believable. And I don’t think the theme of the week is even handled in this story. Brad’s problem isn’t money, but his gambling addiction. Crazy Sal’s realization that “Greed makes you do crazy things, eh?” does seem to touch on the theme, but his character isn’t really integral to the script.

I like that Crazy Sal turned over a new leaf.
You definitely didn't follow the tried and true or predictable route, so good for you!

I like TALL RICH as a character name. Funny.
Nice go at the comedy.

BRAD
Yeah, but I always end up betting
the odds whether I’m going to show
up or not.

Made me smile.

Brad really could have had any occupation so that was kinda tacked on but, I know, I know... it's not easy cramming all the elements in.

I liked it. A bit hit and miss with the comedy but most of it's there!

Hi, seems a bit rushed to me and while I tend not to comment on formatting, grammatical or speech errors there are quite a lot here.
I can imagine the script in my mind's eye and I see the humour in the situation but overall it didn't quite hit the laugh out loud funny I would have liked.
Well done.

There were some pretty funny parts here. I think you missed an easy, "going postal" joke in there to remind us that Brad is a postal worker. Being from NJ, I enjoyed the dialog.  The masks were a very funny visual...especially the "pinnochio" one. But the ending...quick change in character of Sal?  And not sure I understand why Brad pulls out a deck of cards. Why? He has many other options...like giving the money back and leaving before cops get there. I don't understand his motivation there.

All in all though, I did enjoy it despite it feeling rushed and a bit disjointed.

Best of luck.

I think the theme is present. Postal worker and gym are kind of ancillary to the story. The story's a little superficial but I can appreciate that you drew a tough set of items here.

AJR