Upon Reflection by Marcus Reno - Historical, Rocking Horse, Surgeon, Sex Shop.

Hi Writer,

Wow, that is one hell of a selection you made. Props for that alone!

So straight away I can see this is passively written.

Quoted Text GLEASON Welcome to my little shop, -

I think what might work better here is an em dash, and get rid of the comma, so: Welcome to my little shop -- and then -- Major in the next block of dialogue.

You've done pretty well to weave those requirements together. Most of the dialogue feels authentic with a few lines that really felt out of place.

The writing needs a bit of work, making it less passive will only help the read.

Middle of the road for me.

All the best.

I loved the beginning - well once we got into the shop anyway. Bit too waffly on the streets, the mirrors etc. If mirror had been an object then yes, but as is it was a distraction without meaning imho.

Loved the storyline centreing around Hysterical paroxysm.
Ingenious and humorous use of the rocking horse item, linked up nicely, and some nice wit and banter.

I would have just stuck with the historical period. It was incredibly ambitious adding Last Stand Hill, 7th Cavalry and Bighorn  but you kinda lost me there and the deviation in story was too much for me.

The theme was hit and miss for me.

Very entertaining up to the final act. Worth the read for that alone! Thank you. :)

Hey writer,

I think what matters most here is that I enjoyed the read. Blondie has cursed some of us with sets and props that means the script will never see the light of day, budget-wise. And unfortunately this is one of them, through no fault of yours.

I think the descriptions at the beginning are a tad overwritten, however I really enjoyed the banter between the major and the shopkeeper. It was wonderfully written in both the vernacular of the day and of the military. And you taught me, a former NYer, something - that Macy's did start out as a dry goods store on 14th St (I googled it). And for some reason I feel this was written by a non-American, and if it is, good on you for capturing our history better than a lot of American writers can.

Very imaginative use of the prop, and the sex shop. Best boxes ticked for criteria so far. As for theme, I think I may get crabbier about this as the reads go on for me; while your script is really not "about" money being the root of all evil, I can bend a bit because (a) the criteria was so difficult and you wove it in really well, and (b) there's cause and effect here - because he was stingy, his wife's problem persists, and he volunteers for battle duty that gets him killed.

Nice job -

AJR

Wow, another one with the strangest set ever and you got out fine. No better than fine - you have an extremely fun character and his problem - the wife whom we don't get to see. But look at the funny banter and everything else really - great job writer.
The only thing this lacks is an ending. I don't think it's satisfying at all but hey, the beginning and middle are so strong that no complains from me.
I used to love ending and basing my perception of a whole thing on an ending.
Nicey nice.

I liked a lot of this and you did a good job with the criteria, kudos for that as it was a very unusual selection ;-)

But I don't really see the theme here at all and the Custer thing just didn't work for me.  

Well done on a tough selection brought together well.

This is pretty awesome. I'm a Little Bighorn buff so for the finale to be set there was cool as.

Almost a comedy with the sexual equipment lol and the period was shown really well. All the variables were used very inventively.  The money theme wasn't a factor but I'm not really worried about it if the variables are used in a creative way.

Good work.

Historical, rocking horse, surgeon, sex shop

That’s a weird mix.

The historical, rocking horse, surgeon seem to work , not so sure the last part, well in terms of the story.

Money and evil part?

Anyway, a bold attempt with quite a sweep to it.

Not sure the story works for e but it has a nice mood to it.

And for the time, fair effort.

I don't see the topic much in this, all the other elements were woven in nicely and wow - a sex shop!! How come I didn't get a sex shop option Blonde??

A bit overwritten at the start and really, it could start later, but the banter is superb and I enjoyed the whole story. I think this is much more of a comedy than a historical story and I really enjoyed it.

-Mark

It's well written but I don't see how money is the root of all evil in this.

The second half on the hill doesn't make sense to me. This was going in one direction, and then suddenly Custer is getting shot by arrows.

I was hoping for a life lesson on the proper way to maintain a wooden phallus, lest one suffer an excruciating splinter.

Another Historical genre that turns out to be a Western. It's like Christmas for me and Hell for Warren ;)

I really liked the set up and the banter in Gleason's shop. Great innuendo and beating around the bush (pun intended). The jump to Custer's last stand was quite abrupt though. Why the Doc would be confessing his regrets at that time to Custer was odd. The theme was only referenced because he didn't buy it for his wife and that he chose free room and board? IDK.

Very creative, I will give you that. Tough requirements to meet for this challenge.

Good job, writer!

I couldn't have handled that combination of parameters given a year to write. Many kudos to you for taking on that challenge.

The initial pages were strong. The time in the shop most interesting. I didn't enjoy the Last Stand portion of the script nearly as much. But, I think you were chasing the historical parameter, so I'll give you strong leaway for that.

Very creative. Overall, I enjoyed the script.

There is a lot to like here. Great writing and cool visuals. The rocking horse is hysterical. But...in my opinion you veered off course with the battle scene. And i don't see the tie in with the theme.  

Thanks for the read.

Hi, well written I thought, but it lost me at the end, not really an appropriate conversation for a dying man in the middle of a battle. Didn't really read the theme of the challenge - money is the root of all evil - in the script, just a man being a bit cheap.
I can't honestly say I enjoyed it all but I did like the historical detail and the premise.
Well done.