The Depths by Paul Knauer (PKCardinal) writing as A5 - Short, Drama, Western - Writing Challenge theme of "Money is the Root of All Evil" using: Western, Derringer, Missionary, Boat. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hi Writer,

Westerns are my most hated genre, but I will attempt this with an open mind knowing that it is forced on at least half of us.

Sorry but I'm not a fan of this style of writing, sometimes trying to be overly, I guess minimalist could be the word, really affects the read. Throwing in an 'and' here and there would only help the flow I believe.

Just way overusing the ellipse.

Otherwise, this is pretty well written.

Yes, unfortunately this isn't going to be the western that converts me. This wasn't for me.

Congrats on getting an entry in.

All the best.

Nice active opening.
Okay, quibbles below, take or leave:

Flame from a fireplace
Flames, plural perhaps?

Since when, you read that?
Don't think you need a comma there unless she's saying: Since when?

Shit
Hoot in hell, maybe?

Stay?
question mark? Sounds like she's stating it. Read weirdly to me.

Look -- what are we doing? Out
here?
Sounds to my ear like one sentence.

You find any? Gold?
Same here. One sentence, otherwise rhythm wise, weird to my ear.

Might just be me.

Too many extraneous commas.

Hey, but I liked it!
You did very well with that combo.
Great western vibe.

You hit all the points with a double dose of money being the root of all evil.

There were a few cuts that felt abrupt but overall the story worked for me.
I wish there was a bit more between Jackson and his mom, but that's a lot to ask for with 5 pages.

Well done.

Hey writer,

So I really liked the vibe of this script, and Jackson's personna really came through in the dialogue for me. And as Nomad said, you're the first one who I think really nailed the theme, and doubled down on it.

Some curious choices with Jackson's ire for the Catholic Church driving him to murder, and using the boat as the instrument for the murder/suicide. On one hand, it seems random, as if chosen for the challenge, which they were. On the other hand, I can go with it, because the script is written so well overall. I think you'd benefit from no page count restriction, and with a touch more background on each of these characters, this could be a really marketable product.

Nice job -

AJR

So, I liked the vibe of this one got the clear western feel to it.

But I didn't really get the motivation of Jackson and what he does to the priest/missionary - felt a little forced and not really set up with enough back story, probably as we're restricted to 5 pages.

Think Deringers, at least the original ones, were single shpt pistols so multiple shots would be difficult.

Still decent entry and gets all the criteria in.

Another tough one to grade, judge, and score.

There's alot to like here, but there's also alot not to like.

The writing is...well...it's rather strange.  It's missing something.  It's stilted and awkward in places.  And I think most of all, it doesn't "show" what I think may be there, under the surface.

Dialogue is a big miss for me.  Again, it reads very awkwardly and stilted.

Motivations and actions don't seem right, either.

Finally, although I just read that a bunch of peeps praised your use of the theme, I didn't really see it...at all.  Maybe, the theme here is more universal than actually on display in the script.  I won't fault you on that, but again, for me, it's lacking.

The thing about westerns, now I'm talking classics, is you always know who's the good guy and who's the bad guy. In this case, you try and make us feel for the son and understand his retribution towards the missionary. I've seen no reason why he takes out all his anger and remorse against the missionary except for the unexplained fact that he just doesn't like religion. The son, I'm guessing, is the bad guy and the missionary was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. So why is money the root of all evil in this story? He's 40 years old, for crying out loud. He was a Momma's boy that went to make his way in the world. Why did he refer to it as blood money?

Anyway, all the requirements were met but it was only his guilt for not being there for his mother that made money evil.

Hi,

I don't know what to blame it on but it was hard for me to get into this one. Jackson kind of goes through a full arc of acusing the Father for using people like his mother (I understood why, no worries here) then killing himself for not being there for his mother. Conversations like that are hard to pull off. I don't know if you managed and maybe you very well did but it didn't affect me that way.

It was hard to buy into him killing himself I guess.

But it's a western deffiinitely and all that's done was done for the money. And the rest of the criteria is met, no complains there.

Another Western! Gotta love 'em!  

An odd one this. It was written awkwardly, with some weird phrasing and half sentences - perhaps the writer doesn't use English often.  But it had a raw feel to it and it kept moving. The final scenes were pretty cool.

This is the most direct and obvious use of the topic so far.

All the boxes are ticked as far as I can see. For me though, my interest was only perked when he shot the holes in the boat and that is on the last page. Up until then, there is a lot of talking as a way to try and get us to understand a long and complex backstory which I felt you didn't quite pull off. I didn't beleive the priest was a bad guy or deserved this outcome, even though he seemed more concerned about gold than souls. I didn't know enough about Jackson to be concerned or understand his plight.

This isn't a criticism of your skill. I think you did a fine job in 5-pages, I just feel like this story needs more pages to flesh out.

I would suggest outside of this challenge you have a think of what you could accomplish if you started with the boat sinking, have both of them survive and then take them on a journey where they grow to understand each other and, through trials, maybe even form a friendship. There is a lot of potential with this idea for sure.

Best of luck and well done.

-Mark

Western, derringer, missionary, boar

At first I thought that was an ordeal

But you pulled this off beautifully

Look, I ‘m not a fan of the ending, but this was great for what we have.

Lovely writing - I took note how to do things. Some think this was awkward, I think this was class. I’m afraid you’re just going to get these things.

Best for me so far.

Hi, I love a good western but this script could have been played out in any era. Definitely a dark story with death, suicide and greed mixed into five pages. Decent dialogue and good imagery albeit depressing but it certainly stands out from what I have read so far.
Well done.

A fine piece of writing that propels you along full speed from beginning to end. Jackson is excellent as a driven, broken man, done in by his lust for gold. And Father Thomas seems incapable of thinking about anything but money, even at the end when he’s facing death. This is the script that best incorporated the theme of the week.

I had to read this one twice because I thought I missed something. But...I didn't. What did Father Thomas do that warranted Jackson killing him? Was she giving him money? I guess that's it. And he was mad at himself for leaving her in search of gold...okay...I get him hating himself but there just didn't seem like any type of reason for killing Father Thomas. It was an awesome way to kill someone though. LOL. A slow death. But for me...I need to know he deserved it, and I didn't get that at all.

Nice atmosphere you set up. Jackson is a pretty cool, flawed character.  I liked your writing and found it very easy to read.

Best of luck.

Thanks for all the feedback. A quick rewrite was done to address a few of the obvious issues. I could expand this out further to make it more impactful, but I think I'll leave it sit after this quick polish.

Main change I made (which I considered but declined on the original draft) was to have the good Father caught slipping a spoon into his pocket at the cabin.

I didn't want to get too overt with the act, mainly because I wanted this to be a story of Jackson's emotionally-charged reaction to his mother's death.

Appreciate the help all!