Art is Suffering by Dandy Chiggens - Horror, Bird Feeder, Artist, Sewer.

Hi Writer,

Your first 4 blocks of action all begin with "A", change it up a bit to make for a better read that doesn't come off like a list.

Quoted Text cross back

crosses?

You've used the word "atop" 3 times on the first page. I'd check out a thesaurus to help you add some variety to your writing.

Just overuse and incorrect use of the ellipse, its also only ever 3 periods.

A fair bit of on the nose dialogue.

It's a personal preference thing, but I don't think there is ever a good enough reason for all caps in dialogue.

Quoted Text She throats a SCREAM through her closed mouth.

throats a scream? what does that mean?

This doesn't work for me at all. The writing needs work, the dialogue is on the nose and the story is lacking in substance.

All the best.

You hit all the marks with the criteria.  

Instead of having a bird feeder off to the side, I'd make the girl the "bird feeder". Maybe have a cage of birds waiting for their meal and the guy releases them in a flurry as they peck their meal off her face.

I must say I don't agree with the girls name. It's much more of a masculine, ruggedly handsome, dashing, charming, and utterly amazing man's name.

But that's just my opinion.

Jordan

OK.  Well...hmmm...

You included all the parameters, so that's good.

Story-wise, not much here that really works for me on any level, but there is a story here.  Plot?  Well, I guess it all comes down to how one thinks about plot, but for me, it's rather shallow.

Characters are an issue here, as well, as no one comes off remotely realistic, unless we're in a different world where life doesn't matter.  Dialogue also doesn't work very well, and in places, seems very forced...just not remotely natural.

It's not terrible, by any means and I do appreciate the effort here.

Not my type of script, but this was well assembled for the criteria. Perhaps one of the best combinations I have read so far.

The twist at the end was alright, a little abrupt, but we get the idea of what people will do for money.

Fair effort

Well, I didn't need to read that. A lot to cram in 5 pages but I wouldn't want to read any more of it. I used to not mind this type of horror but, like me, it's getting old.

Anyway, all boxes ticked. Horror most definitely. Money being evil, yes, but I think these a-holes would find a reason to do their magic regardless.

I found the names confusing since I relate to Alexis as female and Jordan as male. Written well enough and I don't recall any real formatting issues.

Good work, writer. Just not my bag.

The criteria are met, though bird-feeder is a stretch ;-)

The theme, not sure really, they all seem to have motives that aren't really about money, imho.

Just not really my cup of tea for horror, though will work for some.

I think you should reverse the names for the male/female characters. That said I did follow who was who.

A bloody, intestine-covered arrowhead protrudes from his ribs.
Huh? Couldn't quite picture that given the proximity of ribs, intestines.

You nailed the torture/porn, um, I mean horror genre.
All the elements were there.

I assumed the other guys were there to save the day. Sadly not. It's a wicked grim world this one.
You incorporated the birds in an inventive way.

The 'eye' was a bit over the top - echoes of Hostel.
And your main character description was kinda reminiscent of Buffalo Bill in Silence of the Lambs.

What can I say...? Horror often equates to gore, torture, for some. This was more in that ballpark.

A very creepy dark vibe conveyed down in the bowels of the earth, so good job there.
...

Woah, pigeons might kill if you sprinkle yourself (better someone else) with seeds?
I guess

Anyway, this was graphic. I'm not a fan of graphic but I stuck with it.

The ending didn't work for me. They came out of nowhere and I have no idea who they are. I mean you said who they are but they came too late into the story and that's why I don't care for them.

Otherwise it's a neat entry that fits the criteria.

a sewer being a room never works for me but I remember there was a challenge here and some people had truly palaces for sewers. So a room with a matrass is not too much I guess.

Holy shit!  That was damn brutal. I'm no fan of ultra violent films like Saw and the like(I haven't seen any of them anyway lol). But this was a very inventive use of the variables and I was sucked right into this sick lair.

Excellent work and my fave now.

I'm not a fan of torture horror so my opinion will be biased on this. I will try my best though,

I do think the topic and all the elements are nicely covered!

There is nothing wrong with using dialogue to tell the audience what they don't already know. The key is making it sound natural and entertaining. This wasn't the case for me here, it sounded quite unnatural and expositional.

It would have been nice if Bear had saved the girl or she had found some way to turn the tables on her tormentor, but that's just me.

Not my cup of tea at all, but I think it was well done for the most part.

-Mark

Oooh, boy. Scripts like this give me PTSD. But, I made it through.

Dialogue just didn't work for me at all. Specifically, Jordan. And, I get it. She's in a bad spot. She's going to scream for help. But, it just became so repetitive. Isn't there something more interesting she can say/do? I don't know, it would have been better if she were completely silent - like knocked out.

I did appreciate the added layer of the couple taking Alexis out and their subsequent greed. Fit nicely into the theme.

Good and gory. A perfect evocation of the week’s theme.

Hi, a dystopian horror with good imagery and some decent dialogue. Social media seems to be more and more drawn to the dark side of life these days so it's a relevant piece, for me anyway.
Didn't think you had to differentiate between the two types of birds though.
I like a good horror and this worked for me.
Well done.

Kinda dug this. Ode to a much darker Alfred Hitchcock...although the birds did quite a job on Annie Hayworth's face.

So it was sadistic...Alexis was a sick, gutter dwelling pup.  Writing is good but could use sprucing up. to make it more visual.

So yeah...I liked it and good use of variables. Nice work.

Thanks for all the reads and the constructive comments. And I wanted to thank the biggest fan of this script - Stevie - for his enthusiastic review... (0:

Hey, what I can I say? Sorry for the gore. This is where the parameters led me.

I didn't think the dialogue was as bad as everyone thought; the original plot was going to be Alexis and Bear live streaming to their followers, which would have changed the dialogue significantly. However, the more research you do, the more you realize that live streaming from an underground location is impossible without a signal boost... (so yeah, PK, Jordan would have been knocked out and not so repetitive).... hence the Batman / villain type exchanges.

As for the names (and the dialogue), I wrote Alexis as a flamboyant non-binary artist who's gone a bit mental during the pandemic... And yes, my male teammate's name is Jordan, so I thought I'd have a little fun. Shame on all of you for labeling!  (0:

I tend to write polarizing scripts, and I swing for the fences each time I sit down to tell a story. Hey, Babe Ruth struck out 1,330 times in his career.

At its core, this is a commentary on the really bad places people can go to if this country continues to go to shit...

thanks again -

AJR

Good work bro. As I said in my review, I don’t watch horror films or series but I enjoy reading novels and shorts like this.