Haredresser by Kname of Righter - Fantasy, Hair Dryer, Hairdresser, Convenience Store.

Hi Writer,

The writing could have used another edit.

I'm not sure if I'm meant to like Bab, But I really don't, every time she opens her mouth I cringe a bit.

Just way too much going on and surprisingly very little story. You really tried to pack everything fantasy into this and the story really suffered, in my opinion.

Doesn't work for me.

All the best.

Hey writer,

So this has to be the most creative use of a prop out of the entire bunch.

And I think the characters are wonderfully created; you show a ton of imagination here.

So you've hit all the criteria, with some pretty difficult choices, some of the hardest I've seen here so far.

As for theme, I think it's becoming a theme here that this round's entries are more about money than greed and what it makes people do.

I certainly can't fault you though because I think there are strong elements here amid some very difficult requirements.

Absent the parameters, you may be able to develop these characters into an animated short.

Nice job -

AJR

I read the entire script.  I really don't know what to say.

To call this "fantasy", because it includes nonstop fantasy elements doesn't work at all for me.  This reads not like a fantasy, but more like a pisser.

Your use of "Convenience Store" is also weak, and doesn't even come into play until Page 3.

Story-wise, there's none here...none at all, really.  no Plot, either.

It just doesn't work an any level for me and doesn't show much effort, sorry to say.

I liked your world building at the start. It was cool but not consistent. It really doesn't matter since its Fantasy though. All the parts are there but the reader wouldn't have a clue about money being the root of all evil unless they were told. Even then, they wouldn't believe you.

Not much of a story. Could of passed for a comedy but it wasn't that funny either (sorry). If you substituted humans in place of the animals and creatures, it would be more apparent that there is no plot or arc.

Good job entering.

Okay so as lightweight fantasy-comedy I enjoyed this, funny.

Not sure the theme was really central to the story though.

Decent effort and creative use of criteria.

Whoa! So much packed into this story I had trouble keeping up and I'm guilty of skimming a bit.
Bear in mind I'm not a Fantasy fan.

The main thing for me was it was little lacking with a clear narrative hook and characters I could connect with.

Theme really wasn't front and centre. I know... that was a tough one, right? To add on top of all the other elements.

Inventive and ambitious for sure.  

So it's about a salon and how creatures come and get service and having conversations.
It was kind of hard to get into this, maybe because you kept adding the characters. I understand - this is what's it about, a hairdresser's life, especially if it's creatures who need service but still. I think you could single out one and focus on its story.

But a lot of imagery went into this one. I think (and I'm pretty sure of that) that this one would make much more sense and will be much more memorable and fun if you see it on screen rather than read.
The criteria is all met IMO.

Alrighty then, a comic fantasy script.

Reads real well, not pedestrian at all. I like the subtle set up, a visually sumptuous piece.  Maybe a bit of tomfoolery would have been nice. I also disagree with a previous reviewer's comment about this being a pisser.  Clearly some thought went into this.  The dialogue has some nice zing to it.  Mildly amusing, but not laugh out loud funny. I'd consider cutting back on a coupla characters.

All that being said, maybe the theme wasn’t front and center, but I thought it was there.  

Hope it helps, voodoo doll me if it doesn't. ;D-ghostiegirl

Interesting and vividly imaginative take on the fantasy genre. Someone suggested it would be cool as an animation and I have to agree. Some cool lines too.  I like how the writer obviously planned it all, then kept control of it as he/she write - in lesser hands it could've ended up all over the shop.  Nice effort!

I could probably do without the LOTR reference, but other than that...

this is really great stuff.

Very creative, maybe a bit surreal, but I'm rolling with it, although is Sasquatch a Yeti?
Despite the time and page constraint, the writer did an outstanding job.

Very creative. I can see a longer version of this playing nicely as a Pixar film.

Topic and elements ticked off. I liked the characters and dialogue - it was funny. My only criticism is this felt like two separate scenes, loosely connected, and not a full story.

I do love the visually creative elements though, they really stand out.

-Mark

Fantasy, hair dryer, hairdresser and convenience store.

Me: "Good luck making a fantasy out of those elements."

Reads first line: A unicorn sits on a bench reading a newspaper...

Me: (After I stop laughing.) "That's how you do that."

So much to like. Absolute kudos for going all in. Great visuals. Funny exchanges.

The story, though, is almost non-existent. It's 2.5 pages of world-building and 2.5 pages of a disconnected scene.

Granted, I loved the world-building.

If you can put more meat on the story and pull it into the first couple of pages, this could be really strong.

Fantastic characters and action. The only negative is that the script doesn’t have any connection to the theme of the week.

What a great effort.

Lots of variety and I,agitation on display

Five pages didn’t you much time, but you pulled off a story.

Pacing wise perhaps less time in the hairdressers, and allow you a birthday scene afterwards

Well done

Hi, far too busy for me, too many characters trying to reinforce the fantasy element. Dialogue was a bit too stilted but it was funny at times. Maybe dial back on the imagery and tighten up the dialogue.
Well done.

Okay...this was sassy. Who wrote Bab's dialog? Can't wait to find out.

Some of the visuals and characters were really awesome. The dragon blowdryer is by far best use of object so far. I liked everything that was happening in the salon. Customers that came in....piranha hair clippers...the dialog...Bab's and Judy's friendship. All so very well done.

But after the salon I wasn't as into it. End felt rushed and I didn't really see the theme...just saw a troll robbing a store.

But...wow...what an imagination! I really did love the world you set up in the Salon.

Nice work, writer.