Lines by Paul Knauer (PKCardinal) writing as Anybody's Guess - Short, Thriller - A husband and wife face separate, deadly decisions.

Writing Challenge there: "Blood is Thicker than Water" using Ketchup Packets, Homemaker, Auto Body Shop

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Oh nice work! I was digging this and wondering - and hoping - it didn't end lamely. And I wasn't disappointed. Loved the use of the ketchup packets!  There was a bit of vagueness to the actual story but it gave the script a noir type feel.  An early fave

Haha! What a switcheroo. I loved everything except this line:
She’s my blood. My angel. Just sounded like you wanted to make sure we got that along with the theme.

Suspenseful and clever and funny as well. And cleverly met the criteria.
Nice one.

I like this one but don't have much to say about it. I'd make it a tad clearer that some time passed between getting in the car and the shots ringing out.

Good use of all the variables here. Steve and Leslie have "blood" vs. "water" moments but only if you consider marriage to be water. I think it counts.

Hi,

A tidy story and a fantastic ending. Just thought it was a bit fortunate Leslie happened to look in a toolbox to find a loaded gun.
Interplay between Leslie and Stella was great but Steve was a bit of a caricature.
I liked this story a lot.

Well done.

Apart from some overly convenient coincidences I thought this was very good.

Seen the Ketchup used that way before but I still didn't spot it coming - good job!

She's my blood. Too OTN but a minor quibble.

Good job

After the first scene it started reading a lot matter-of-factly. Almost like Once Upon a Time in Hollywood. And then coincidetal "let's check on your dad" didn't help.
But the fact she overheard the convo between her husband and the thugs and what they decided to do was quite a pay off. And everyone got what they deserved.
So overall I liked it a lot. Let's see how I rate it at the end.

Ketchup Packets, Homemaker, Auto Body Shop

Lots to love in this and I liked the writing.

I have to say I struggled with the ketchup blood moment

This could be a sound short with a few more pages and time.

Decent effort.

That was great. My fav so far. I love the characters of Leslie and Stella, you build up a bond between them so well in such a short time.

There's so much white space!! This, ladies and gentlemen (and those currently undecided) is how you write a screenplay that reads eloquently and says so much with so few words.

And I think it wins the best award for the use of an item (Ketchup packets) so far.

My hat is off to you, top work.

-Mark

Nice reveal. And I thought you were just doing the old shoehorn with the ketchup packets. Best use of an object so far during this little tourney!

No complaints - Good work, writer.

Powerful. Solid characters. Good plot. Good pace. And it proves the antithesis of the theme.

Great writing and hits all the beats it needs to.

Nothing else to say really.

Quoted from MarkRenshaw That was great. My fav so far. I love the characters of Leslie and Stella, you build up a bond between them so well in such a short time. There's so much white space!! This, ladies and gentlemen (and those currently undecided) is how you write a screenplay that reads eloquently and says so much with so few words. And I think it wins the best award for the use of an item (Ketchup packets) so far. My hat is off to you, top work. -Mark

Oh, Mark.  Now I have to read this one and see what you're talking about.

I will ASAP.  Shower, then dinner, then...this!!   ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

Wow. Damn you, writer!! How dare you write something so freakin good during this crazy challenge!!

So first, I hate you.

Second...this was so good. Everything about it was good. And the ketchup packets! Damn you!

Easy win here. Excellent job.

That is quite good, I must say.

Bravo!

Definitely some impressive work here.

Most inventive and best use of a prop I've seen. Vital to the story.  A plot element, in fact. Homemaker and Auto Body shop have a lot of variety but ketchup was daunting, until you make the connection that ketchup could = blood and then it has a lot of utility. Not sure I would have gotten there in my own mind, so kudos to you.

I think the theme is satisfied because it's the antithesis, as Sean has allowed us to explore. Steve just wants to save his own neck, so no thickness here at all.

And the theme is once again satisfied with him wanting to protect Stella, and yes, I think that tiny bit on the nose line of "she's my blood" is necessary, if only to show that there are things that this otherwise POS values. And yes, she's related to him by blood, and his wife is not.

And I saw a comment earlier about the gun - I think it's completely plausible that Leslie could know that Steve hides a gun in a toolbox. Not everything needs to be sledgehammered home to the reader.

So here's where I'll get booed, and it won't really matter in the end anyway because this is a cut above and I'm sure mostly everyone has voted already.

I found the actions and motivations of Victor completely unrealistic.  He says he's going to take his daughter, which means he's a vicious human being, and then he allows Steve to bargain. Now the bargain where Steve can trade his own life for his daughter's is plausible, but to allow him to give up his wife? At that moment, any ruthless drug dealer would know that he's not getting the "proper motivation" if his customer is so willing to become a widow. And of course the plot turns on Victor's decision.

Steve's reaction to seeing his daughter supposedly dead is also a little underwhelming here, however that could have been a casualty of page count.

Anyway, great job, very well written, and inventive use of the prop.

AJR

Optioned.

Congrats, PK.
Great script... And use of ketchup.  ;D

Congrats Paul! :)

One of my favorites from that WT! Good luck, Paul

Congrats, mate. Love to hear it.

Sweet! Best of luck with the production!

Thanks, everybody.

This short was nearly optioned three times previously, but COVID really made things difficult.

I'm excited about the director. She's new to the game, but her first short was really well done. And, she's been great to deal with so far.

The plan is to have this shot by the end of the year, but who knows in these weird times.

I'll keep everybody posted!

Paul, congrats you devil.  Keep churning out the good stuff.  Something big is going to happen for you, I know.

Quick update: LINES was filmed and is currently in post production.

Sweet! Looking forward to seeing the finished product. :)

Quoted from Zack Sweet! Looking forward to seeing the finished product. :)

Pre production was a great experience, so I'm very hopeful this turns out well.

Quoted from PKCardinal Quick update: LINES was filmed and is currently in post production.

Awesome news, looking forward to seeing it.

Congrats, PK!
And what Warren said. :)

LINES makes its official premiere at the Virtual UCLAx Film Festival in a couple of weeks.

For those that enjoy festivals, this one is entirely online. You can get tickets at the following link, as well as watch a trailer for the festival. (There are several shots from LINES in the trailer, though you won't know which they are!)

Also, you'll have the opportunity to vote for LINES for the Audience Choice Award! (Should we earn your vote. Which I hope we will.)

Sept. 9-12 - VIRTUAL UCLAx Film Festival: https://watch.eventive.org/uclaxfilmfest2022/play/62cdd04742a0f0003673adce.

Tickets are free.

Quoted from PKCardinal LINES makes its official premiere at the Virtual UCLAx Film Festival in a couple of weeks. For those that enjoy festivals, this one is entirely online. You can get tickets at the following link, as well as watch a trailer for the festival. (There are several shots from LINES in the trailer, though you won't know which they are!) Also, you'll have the opportunity to vote for LINES for the Audience Choice Award! (Should we earn your vote. Which I hope we will.) Sept. 9-12 - VIRTUAL UCLAx Film Festival: https://watch.eventive.org/uclaxfilmfest2022/play/62cdd04742a0f0003673adce. Tickets are free.

Will try my best to be there!

Very cool

Quoted from Warren Will try my best to be there!

It's really just a ticket to watch all the shorts at any time during the three days. Then, you're allowed to vote.

So, if you like watching shorts, you can see a bunch at any time over the 3 day period. If not, I'll be providing a link to LINES as soon as the director gives me permission. So, you'll see it eventually!

Quoted from PKCardinal It's really just a ticket to watch all the shorts at any time during the three days. Then, you're allowed to vote. So, if you like watching shorts, you can see a bunch at any time over the 3 day period. If not, I'll be providing a link to LINES as soon as the director gives me permission. So, you'll see it eventually!

Oh that's great, I'll definitely watch and vote!

Would you mind bumping the thread when the festival goes live?

Quoted from Warren Oh that's great, I'll definitely watch and vote! Would you mind bumping the thread when the festival goes live?

I agree.
Looking forward to seeing this, PK!
Let's hope it's not the middle of the night our time. :)

Quoted from LC I agree. Looking forward to seeing this, PK! Let's hope it's not the middle of the night our time. :)

I think Paul is saying that if you have a ticket you can watch the films in your own time over the 3 day period :)

Quoted from Warren I think Paul is saying that if you have a ticket you can watch the films in your own time over the 3 day period :)

Yes, exactly. At least, that's how I understand it.

And, yes, Warren, I'll try and remember to bump the thread!

Just a reminder that tonight begins the festival for anyone who is interested. The "event" is online only. Tickets are free:

https://watch.eventive.org/uclaxfilmfest2022/play/62cdd04742a0f0003673adce

Just sign up and anytime this weekend you can watch any of the 21 shorts entered, including LINES. You'll also be eligible to vote for your favorite short for Best Film... whichever that may be. :)

Eventually I'll post a link for anyone that just wants to see LINES. Though, I don't know when the director will release the public link.

Very exciting! Can't wait to see it!

Good luck in Best in Show vote

Quoted from Matthew Taylor Very exciting! Can't wait to see it! Good luck in Best in Show vote

Thanks, Matthew. I hope you enjoy it. I think Celeste did a real nice job with it.

Got my ticket, I'm ready to go!

Got my ticket! :)

Congrats, mate. Really solid work all round. Definitely one to be proud of :)

Time to start watching:

Lines | UCLAxFilmFest 2022

https://t.co/k9FoqE2Oxn

- Don

Great job, PK!

Quick update: Lines will make its big screen debut as an official selection to the LA Shorts International Film Festival at the Laemmle Hollywood Regal Cinemas LA Live in Downtown Los Angeles on Thursday, July 20 at 5:30 p.m.

I won't be there, but if anyone on here happens to attend...check it out. And, no matter how its received, tell me everyone loved it. :)

I have a poster to share... but, for the life of me... I can't figure out how.

Quoted from PKCardinal I have a poster to share... but, for the life of me... I can't figure out how.

PK, I know Don can help you out with this, maybe PM /email it to him? And I know others are in the know too so hopefully they'll jump in.

Once we have the code again I'll add it to the Simply Scripts Guide on the main page cause this does come up every now and again.

Quoted from LC PK, I know Don can help you out with this, maybe PM /email it to him? And I know others are in the know too so hopefully they'll jump in. Once we have the code again I'll add it to the Simply Scripts Guide on the main page cause this does come up every now and again.

Thanks, LC! I'll get it to him. And...work on being smarter.

Quoted from PKCardinal I have a poster to share... but, for the life of me... I can't figure out how.

Email it to me and I'll pop it up for you :)

Quoted from PKCardinal Quick update: Lines will make its big screen debut as an official selection to the LA Shorts International Film Festival at the Laemmle Hollywood on Thursday, July 20 at 5:30 p.m. I won't be there, but if anyone on here happens to attend...check it out. And, no matter how its received, tell me everyone loved it. :)

Awesome! Congrats, mate!

Quoted from Warren Awesome! Congrats, mate!

Thanks!

Posted at Paul's request :)

Correction, in case anyone is interested in attending:

LINES will be showing at the Regal Cinemas LA Live in Downtown Los Angeles (not the Laemmie Hollywood) Thursday, July 20 at 5:30 p.m.

And, thank you Warren for dropping the poster into the thread.

Quick reminder for my friends in LA... LINES is first up in the LA Shorts International Film Festival tonight. Screens at 5:30 p.m. at Regal LA Live.

For tickets: https://www.lashortsfest.com/july-20-program-4