A Debt Paid by James Kona - Crime: Nail Gun, Prosecutor, Liquor Store

The prosecutor was really flung in there, in and out in a flash! I get it though, these challenges are tough.

Everything else covered nicely. That was well written and easy to follow. It felt more like a few connected scenes rather than a full, satisfying story, but I'm sure the page restriction and time had a lot to do with that.

A few niggles, he didn't resist arrest so I think it's unfair to charge him with that. I don't' know of any window large enough to allow a prisoner to escape in an interrogation room so I'd have a think about that and with Penn using a nail gun in such fashion, it's hard to feel sorry for him and also makes it harder to think Vinny would let him go, even though he owes him.

You had to include the nail gun, I get that. He simply could have threatened the guy rather than nail his hands to the counter.

You made it through week 2 though, that's worth a pat on the back!

-Mark  

Nailed the theme but, whoa, Vinny doesn't have a clue what Penn went through. Twenty years have gone by and, how it's presented, they haven't seen each other in all that time. Vinny doesn't know Penn from Adam and he lets him go based on what would be a faded memory (if he remembers at all)? Very sweet and heartfelt but, really?

Overall, written well and flows easily. Loved the crime using the nail gun. All requisite items nailed (pun intended).

Nice work, writer.

I gotta be honest here, and you're not going to be very pleased with this review, sorry to say.

The story is absolutely ludicrous...on every single level.  Nothing here reads remotely realistic.  The crime, the interrogation, the Flashback, the escape - all completely laughable, if you stop to think about it for even a few seconds.

The liquor store is barely used.  The nail gun is used very foolishly.

What you did do well is with the theme of blood being thicker than water...but...that too is so completely unrealistic, it kind of takes away from the theme.

Writing is not good, either...stilted, awkward, poor character intros, just not good.

It will be very, very interesting to see scores for this round, as the 1st 2 I've read in no way deserve more than a 2, and that's being generous.

Hi,

The description of the nail gun pinning the man's hands to the counter is quite a good visual.
The ending is a little bit too saccharin for me and the dialogue a little formulaic but there only is five pages to get a story done and I think you managed it, but only just.

Well done.

"The smell of fresh bleach and grime fills the air." Unfilmable. If bleach and grime are important, you need to show us, not tell us. The audience can't smell it.

I was shocked (in a good way) at the use of the nail gun. Very graphic/clever. But, after reading the entire story, it was too damaging to your character. In the end, you want us to sympathize with him. You can't have him be so cruel early and have us feel sorry for him at the end.

"resisting arrest." He didn't. Simple mistake probably because of the time constraints of the challenge. Easy fix.

I liked the basic idea of the script: young boy makes sacrifice, goes "bad" because of it and brother returns the favor. I even like that the favor will cost the brother his career. It's a big sacrifice, equal to that of his brother's.

Penn is given an age but no other description, needs a bit more than that imho.

Nice use of the nail gun, shocking and brutal in equal measure.

A few typos here and there that a polish will fix.

Unfortunately there's a few too many logic issues for the story to really work. E.g. a judge wouldn't spilt the brothers up like that.

Well done for getting one in,

Oh, nice.
And good use of all the criteria. High marks for the nail gun.

This touched on the theme nicely too.
Kept me on my toes.

So, he's gonna run through the window I guess. Well, possible why not. Somewhere in Azerbaijan or Russia especially.

Bit of a mish mash to finish my reviews. Some good ideas here that didn’t quite work. The only story was the flashback and that’s about it. But the nail gun was used pretty well lol and came out of the blue. Good effort

I rather liked the nail-gun as weapon. Wasn't expecting it, so good job there.

The story lost a bit of its intensity towards the end.
Theme was there, elements were there.
Maybe if not quite so much time had passed between the brothers?

Don't you just wish you'd made him resist arrest. Ah, don't worry I missed a crucial bit in mine.
Good job overall.

Nice use of the nail gun. Actually all the criteria.

It’s just the final bit that didn’t quite work for me

But the bones are there for an interesting and meaningful story with conflict

I found it to be original enough to give it some higher marks. Not much room for background or to iron out some logic but that's to be expected. One of the better entries.

Interesting idea behind this but for me, the end felt off. Like too quick for something so heavy.

I did like the nail gun though. But...why? Penn made it to the age of 37 without getting into trouble...no record of him according to the police, but then he decides to practically kill a clerk over a $2 pack of gum? What was his motivation for hurting that man? Not trying to rewrite your story but what if the clerk was his dad? Just a thought. Or at least have some kind of confrontation instead of all of a sudden Penn, at 37, hurting someone for no reason.

The dialog felt a bit unnatural at times, and your action a bit clunky. No describing smells...they can't be seen on screen.

Keep writing!! Best of luck.

Good story. The elements were well utilized. Penn comes off as badass then ends up whining like a little kid for his brother to let him go. Vincent does so, more out of guilt than love, so blood isn’t that much thicker than water in this script.

There is no way for the audience to know what the air smells like. The clerk needs to react some how or mention it for this to be of any relevance.

The second officer also needs all caps.

I'm not sure a 10 year old would understand the gravity of his bother owing him in this way.

The story is all a bit to coincidental.

The writing could use some work but you have the bones of a story which would be worth working on after the challenge.