One Last Stop by Cuts Likeaknife - Thriller: Switchblade, Paramedic, Diner

Nice setup, the aftermath of a horrific crime and two suspects, a  beefy African American and a petite, sweet girl. So, we all knew it was the girl  - no real surprise there but it was enjoyable.

The ending is where it all goes a bit Pete Tongue. So Bryan thinks Jamaahl is the killer and lets him go on his merry way without calling the cops, but when he later thinks his daughter is the killer, he takes her to the cops? If so, this doesn't cover the Blood is Thicker Than Water theme for me, but the last couple of pages are a bit confusing so I'm not sure.

-Mark

With some refinement (a couple lines don't make sense) and probably a couple more pages, this would make a great little short. I liked this quite a bit. I might even end it just a hair earlier when the father has his revelation. The U-turn and cop shop up the road was not necessary.

Of course, all the requisites were hit and you captured the theme, for sure. Blood is thicker than water...to a point. She crossed the line.

Good work, writer. I liked it.

How old is Nancy? Introducing her in CAPS before we see her (her name is capped in dialog) is incorrect. INTRO when we see her for the first time.  She also keeps calling Bryan 'daddy' as opposed to 'dad'

Quoted Text Screamin’: I’m so sorry.

Grammar error. You don't need the : or the italics.

I think the five page limit hindered the reveal of what happened to Jamahl - did he get away or did he die? We know the body of the YOUNG MAN was tampered with, but that seems to be it. Not entirely clear why Jamahl held a knife to Bryan to begin with. Furthermore, what are the chances that there's only one paramedic in the van as opposed to two or three? What are the odds that that one paramedic goes to a scene of mass murder that involves his daughter?

The only person who worked at the Diner apparently was Mo, the cook.

Lots of talk. Lots of talk. So much so it Lacks urgency and tension.
I give this a fair

Oh, so Bryan decided to kill Jamahl. He understood he got the guys and was lying.

I don't know though why he let him go.
I know he said something about emergency situations but I don't think that's true in real life. There's no way Bryan would let him go. At the very least Jamahl is a witness.

I wonder if you could get away with some of the dialog and make it a little more visual.

But it's got a lot of merits - it's not many characters, and the story is there. And the story is somewhat different from what I read so far. Also, it's clear to me who did what and what's going on here.

And, you hit the criteria nicely. The only thing is - I don't get how it hits 'blood is thicker than water' theme. I blame Sean!

This is pretty well written and the setup initially looks promising.

But there are logic issues, such as one paramedic who happens to be the father, no waiting staff in the Diner etc.

Taking her to the cops at the end feels very odd, might be better if she turned old pa.

Decent effort

Hi,

Well written but a little confusing to me at times, like when Bryan asked Nancy if Jamahl was left handed but the visual presented didn't clarify things and when Jamahl and Bryan scuffled, I didn't quite get why they had to do that.
I enjoyed it overall.

Well done.

Well done, overall.

I'm wondering if there's a way you can reveal the left-handed clue in a better way. It's just so straightforward for him to ask: Is Jamahl left-handed?

Maybe start with noticing the knuckles. Then, a quick flash to show Jamahl doing something right-handed -- something like: Bryan realizes that Jamahl held the knife on HIM with his right hand. Then, flash to the crime-scene clue. Let us be the detective in the moment. Make sense?

Thanks for sharing.

Oh man how did you score such easy variables lol!

Yeah this started really well with a tense setup. But there was way to much talk in the middle and some exposition. The concept was great but I think the writer lost some control of it as it ended sort of odd. But some good writing in it

You don't cap a character's first mention if it happens in dialog. You cap the first appearance in an action block (and should always do that before they speak).

LIGHTNING-QUICK FLASH TO: should be INSERT: FLASHBACK, then there's no colon after BACK TO SCENE

I'm not sure what's supposed to happen next: (1) sending the cops after some black dude to cover some white person's crime, or (2) turning in his daughter. If it's (2), I wouldn't want to be anywhere near her when she figures it out.

I don't get why Bryan asked about left-handedness. Maybe I missed it, but I saw no indication from the crime scene that the killer was left-handed.

Good use of all the variables.

Thriller: Switchblade, Paramedic, Diner

Ok, nice and contained, a sense of who’s telling the truth etc

The result being the dad take sh is daughter to the cops

All criteria dealt with well. I think you chose you set well.

It’s just missing something to really land the best punch. Not wholly sure what. Maybe a bit too much...perhaps one killing sets it up better, not sure.

Got potential and worth working on

The story and characters were good, but Jamahl putting a switchblade to Bryan’s neck seemed out of character for a good guy, no matter how bad a spot he finds himself in. Deciding to turn Nancy in to the cops, instead of a lawyer, shows that Bryan balanced the welfare of Jamahl against that of his insane daughter. A nice variation on the theme.

This is generally well written and meets all the required criteria.

I saw everything you wanted me to see but was a little confused by the quick flash, you are obviously trying to indicate that Nancy is left handed and Jamahl isn't from the setup, but I'm not sure how the visual 100% locks that idea in.

Not bad at all.

I like the ending, but several thing felt off to me. I mean, there are 2 murdered people in that diner...and Bryan just let Jamahl go? Doesn't call the cops? Just leaves the scene??

The dialog needs a bit of work to make it sound more natural, but other than that the writing was good and it was an easy read.

Best of luck.

A fairly simple group of criteria which you were able to dispatch in the first half page.

Theme is present here as well - looks as if blood is not thicker than water since Bryan is going to turn his daughter in. For her own good, probably; and she will likely get the mental help she needs. So blood is thicker than water, again.

The writer shows that Nancy is left-handed because she's tapping to the song with her left hand. So that's all the hint we need. Showing the blood spatter on one side of the young man's body is enough to connect the dots.

There are concerns though, like how Nancy could carry out the carnage, and if Bryan did ever suspect Jamahl, then why did he let him leave.

AJR