Hi All

Does the following read well - give you a clear VISION, can you FEEL the tension?


EXT. IRAN - SKY - NIGHT

High above in a clear night sky. A full moon casts over a
large sheek grey drone that glides.. whispers gracefully
into view. Its two missiles attached underwing tell us it's
on a mission...

Over the back of the drone - to its front and over, we see
it's mission destination - faint lights of a distant
village...

...a brief flicker as we switch to the drones digital camera
P.O.V: Faint lights of a village... we zoom in to reveal a
cluster of homes. Drones, X marks the TARGET house.    

Honestly? No, it doesn't read well.

"drone that glides.. whispers gracefully into view" Is this an error? it reads like a word is missing in the ellpises. "gllides gracefully into view" works fine, if a little purple.

"Over the back of the drone - to its front and over, we see
it's mission destination - faint lights of a distant
village..."  

I have zero clue what is happening on screen - are we seeing the controls of drone (it's not totally clear to me what the drone IS btw aside from context clues that it's a missile or war weapon?). Would an unmamned drone have a "mission destination" visibile - and if so, how can you make it clearer here what you mean? What is actually happening for the person watchin this movie, on screen?

"..a brief flicker as we switch to the drones digital camera
P.O.V: Faint lights of a village... we zoom in to reveal a
cluster of homes. Drones, X marks the TARGET house.   "

I think you're meaning to imply the Drone's POV is now what we see -- but this happens in the NEXT paragraph and doesn't stand to explain the previous one. " Drones, X marks the TARGET house" Why write this like? What not just "an X marks the drone's target, a house in the distance" which I THINK is what you're trying to achieve.

Overall, this is unintuitive to read for what is supposed to be a description of something happening on screen. If I opened a screenplay and these were the first thing I read, I'd stop - I simply do not know what you're wanting to depict here. You're punishing your plot in order to service your prose which - despite your commitment to being floral - is still grammatically unclear.

I think if you're (rightfully) feeling yourself getting stuck describing something like this, which should be a script's bread and butter, you need to take a step back and think about your narrative as whole (not on paper) and alongside this, read lots and lots of feature scripts (produced or otherwise) to figure out what action description is supposed to achieve. Even writers with established freedoms who don't need to follow the rules still write in such a way that images on screen take precedent over purple prose.

Hi Ben

Thanks for the read and comment hereto.

- It's a script in progress.
- I've posted a scene within the script. Thus, it would not be clear as to what has / will happen.  Unless the entire story is read.

Thanks again.  

If the context is needed to understand if it reads well, why did you post it without the context asking "does it read well"?

Okay Ben...

Okay, you experts. Stop piling on.
Encouragement and positive stuff amongst the negs. Try that.

Oh, and btw, four words does not constitute feedback.
Yes, I know the thread title is a question, but elaborate with examples, suggestions for improvement.

I agree LC, that's why I offered extensive line by line feedback for OP - and I got a brusque response.

I didn't want to pile on at all, but I think we need to be looking at whether excerpts are posted in good faith if a writer straight up refuses to ask clarifying questions, or accept criticism in good grace.

Okay, Ben. Well, just leave it at that.
...

BarryJohn, just as an FYI, post in the Work In Progress thread. especially where there's more than just an excerpt available. But note the Sticky below:

Follow these simple rules to make this board more effective for those who need help.

1. Use the screenplays title in the topic - wip, if it has no title say Untitled (genre of script) if not it will be locked and reported.
2. Don't post scripts that aren't at least halfway done.
3. Logline, genre, etc., may be helpful.

Quoted from AlsoBen If the context is needed to understand if it reads well, why did you post it without the context asking "does it read well"?

Ben, I was not been brusque. Context needed ~ I cant send the entire 30 page script here.

Peace brother   8)  

FYI - Got it... Thanks LC

BarryJohn, download Dropbox or Onedrive or equivalent, and then you can post a link to your entire script.
Do post in the WIP thread if you decide on this option.

--Mmmm, Thanks for advice LC - Will do in future. This script I'm busy with now is still a RUFF work in progress. (Wet spaghetti to a ceiling)  

Quoted Text Ben, I was not been brusque. Context needed ~ I cant send the entire 30 page script here. Peace brother

That's OK - no offence taken. But I'm still not sure you and I are on the same wavelength.

As LC said, let's leave it there.

Barry,

I don't think the slug is correct - EXT. IRAN casts a really wide net...

If it's important to know it's Iran, and you're not going to do a SUPERIMPOSE underneath the narrative, try something like this:

EXT. SKY - NIGHT (TEHRAN, IRAN - PRESENT DAY)

AJR

I think there’s some stuff that sounds good. I think a balance between style and simplicity is needed. Lie -


A clear night sky. The full moon lights a grey drone that whispers gracefully into view. Two missiles tell us it's on a mission.

AJR, Anon - Thanks for the advice.

AJR, I hear what you saying. Would it then be correct if it read as follows:


EXT. SKY - IRAN - NIGHT

Blaaa... blaaa... the drone closing in on its target

EXT. SKY - IRAN - THERAN - NIGHT

Blaaa... Blaaa...

Or, best as you advice: EXT. NIGHT (TEHRAN, IRAN - PRESENT DAY)

?  

In slugs you go from largest element to smallest - so for example;

INT. SALLY'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY

So with SKY, you're technically not IN Iran, you're above it. Which is why I wouldn't write it like EXT. SKY - IRAN - NIGHT.  Or, what you do is you do EXT. SKY - NIGHT and in your narrative you tell us that "a drone hovers above TEHRAN, IRAN, ready to strike" blah blah blah.

Also Barry, I don't know what "sheek" is - did you mean sleek?

AJR

Sleek - Yes.

Thanks a lot AJR. I got it now. In narrative... drone over TEHRAN, IRAN

Although I chimed in late but...

Not much to say here but definitely this sounds like a poetry which is without a rhyme, even without knowing the context of your story or the theme of it, it doesn't fit right. You don't need to go that much colorful with your words. Keep it simple and direct. Don't write as if you're writing a novel.

I really liked Tehran - present day suggestion.

Also the first sentence better go I think. You already said it's SKY - NIGHT, so there's no need to repeat it in the very first sentence IMO.

Thanks for comment / advice Yuvraj & Khamanna

PS: Speaking of the geographics of Iran. The village will become known as JEZEH, a small rural village in the desert. And TEHRAN plays off as Iran's international airport, which it is.  

Jezeh  

I liked it, and that’s what I don’t understand either, to be that does read well maybe not the whisper bit but I felt the visualisation of the flying drone and I saw it coming closer to the target, it wasn’t that bad I just don’t get it?