The Talk by What she said - Teddy Bear, Accountant, Wedding Reception - Short, Thriller

Hmmm...definitely creepy, that's for damned sure, but I'm not sure what it all means. You tell us the women are "special", but what do they do?

Your writing is really good, great atmosphere and creepy factor but for me, the story itself is just way too vague.

Best of luck, writer.

A very Twilight Zone atmosphere to this.

Perhaps with more pages a few of the gaps can be filled and a little more suspense created?
I liked the bit with the scar - quietly threatening and sinister. I just wonder if the genders were reversed would we jump to an ordinary human conclusion like domestic violence. I know that's not it - the special quality seems somehow otherworldly.

Given the theme though it appears an inherited trait? I'm not convinced the theme is here, though I may be wrong. We are who we are because of environment v genes.

I'm clearly a bit in the dark on this one.

Less is more is good. But just a little bit more, maybe?

Despite my quibbles, I did enjoy it.

An elaborate and expensive setup for what really is, just a talk. This is all telling and not showing, which I'm sure is down to the page count. Creepy, psychologically, but not a thriller by far.

It would help if you showed us why the women in this family are special while mother is explaining with the use of flashbacks, although I suspect this would then nudge this into a horror which would suit it better.

I'd encourage you to explore this more outside the restrictions of the challenge.

-Mark

Here you wrote something about the Talk just like I last time but yours reads much better. The dialog just flows.
And you showed not only the Mother's character well - through the things she reveals about herself - but also his character with his "er, okay" or whatever he was sayng there.

It just needs another twist at the end to be great. But very nice, I enjoyed it throuroughly.

I really liked this. A good representation of nature v. nurture as their rage issue is just managed, not cured. It's who they are? The men-folk are just warned not to poke the sleeping bear. All requisites in place. Good flow and a good read.

Pretty weak in the thriller category though. A bit of suspense/creep factor. Love the poked out and scratched out eyes. Maybe Dad was lucky to keep his eyes?

Good work, writer.

Hmmm. Feels like this should hit harder than it does.

I really like the concept. And, in places, the writing and dialogue really pop.

It definitely skirts horror more than thriller, though it doesn't really hit either very hard. No worries, though. Close enough for now. But, if you do a rewrite, consider leaning into one or the other more aggressively.

If I'm Tom... I'm walking straight out the door. The front door. Not sure why he's locked into place... and, if you give us a good reason why he can't -- really box him in, it might feel even more creepy.

There's a lot to like. Good job.

This is smart and well written but  don't see much of a thriller in it really so a little offside in terms of criteria, but...

I liked it and I think worthy of some extra work outside the confines of the challenge.

Good effort

Well written and is a great candidate for the mystery genre (with no animated teddy in sight lol). Perhaps mystery was off the table already as it is indeed a mysterious piece of writing.

It did go a bit in circles and lead nowhere but the detail was good.

Thriller, teddy bear, accountant, wedding


Nice and contained. Good use of the wedding.

And pretty spooky, if you ask me. That’s not a talk I would want to have.

The accountant was more of a label that integral, but that’s fine under the time

I think there is something strong about the family reveal on the wedding day, a good pivotal moment, I suppose the question we are left with is....

...how on earth does he not already know the mental stability of his now wife? The suspension of disbelief...

Some foreshadowing about the mother being in charge would add. Also a sense of the husband being ‘permitted’ to do things, as in control lies elsewhere

With some tweaks, this could be hard hitting and definitely worth fine tuning

Aaa...mmm... Little confused here. The context is just too vague(at least for me) to understand. I think it's the feat of rage that's passed on from mother to daughter. Thing that's obviously not good for the groom(David, yep) and also for the bride, I might add. Anyways, nice atmosphere here, that's for sure.

Good luck.

Okay, why did this make me think of "Eyes Wide Shut"? Initiation kind of theme. One of the few that I thought might help being a little longer. Not that I need to know exactly what is special about these women, though. I do like that it left up to wonder about.

Hi,

Well written, good characters, some great visuals and good dialogue.
Thriller, not for me. Just a parent having a chat with a new member of the family following a wedding. I had a similar chat with my father in law, mother in law, brother in law........!
What would have gave it an edge was finding out what made the women special other that what would appear to be a monumental temper tantrum.

I like the story overall, I just think it needed a little more explaining to make it of a thriller.

Well done.

A few dashes which would work better a em dashes. Actually every dash would be better served as an em dash.

I liked this for what it was, quite understated. I'd like to see it developed further after the WT with a few flashbacks to bolster it up a bit more.

The writing is good and this is another script with excellent dialogue.

Good job on this one.

This was really creepy, like the first five pages of a somewhat longer thriller or horror piece. As it is, though I'm not sure we have a real ending to this story. Interesting take on the nature vs. nurture theme.

There's a lot of passive writing, but that's an easy fix when you a revision.

"hand motion quotes" are usually referred to as the shorter "air quotes".

Good start, would like to see where this goes after the tournament.

Well written script. Excellent use of the elements. If I have this right, Lisa is by nature prone to fits of rage, and her parents have tried to nurture her into not giving in to her rages. History in  Lisa’s family, however, has proven that this never works, so Tom had better watch his step for the rest of his life. Good advice for any married man.

I can appreciate the backflips you had to do with a difficult set of criteria, being the teddy bear and the accountant with a wedding reception as the setting. Even though we get only the eye of the bear, and I don't really think Tom's being an accountant makes him any more or less equipped to deal with "the talk."

For theme, the nature is present, though I'm not sure how you can be nurtured by inanimate objects. I think you're suggesting here that the women are encouraged to be nurturING, which is certainly a different take.

I'm having trouble buying into the premise - for one, there's no shortage of doctors looking to prescribe meds to at least the last 2 generations of these women. "Fits of rage" is not an affliction one has to live with without help nowadays. And two, there's no way Tom is marrying a woman prone to these fits without ever having seen one. Especially since her security blanket is now down to one eye.

AJR