Papers by I'm Not Sure - Paper Clip, Diplomat, Ferry - Short, Sci Fi

Interesting. Nice world-building, an elaborate murder which stretched the believability factor but didn't snap it for me - it just about worked. I do find it difficult to accept that openly murdering someone in Canada grants you diplomatic immunity if you are a US diplomat, I think you needed to establish this rule but I'm going to accept that this is the law in this world for now.

Nicely written, easy to follow and ticks all the boxes for me.

-Mark

Nice stuff. I'd keep reading if it were longer. I'm a sucker for openings like this. You did a good job establishing the setting. I didn’t have trouble with the plausibility of this situation. Not much to add, really. Best of luck with the script.-ghostiegirl.

Clever, if a little underwhelming in emotion and suspense for me. I wanted a bit more oomph. I liked the future world you created, it just left me a bit on the fence. I'll read it again for theme when I'm off my phone but I'm not sure I got that straight off or would from watching it.  Elements weren't too hard, a little bland until the paper clip doubled for a lethal weapon. Nice move.

Nice writing...very easy read. Great use of the object. Theme? Bad bro/good bro. Okay. I'll take it! This was a tough theme.

Nice job here, writer. Loved the atmosphere you created.

Best of luck!

That was a very smooth read. Nice world building too. An acceptable future. Nothing too far fetched. I didn't quite get why the gloves though. Was it for the paperclip?

As for theme, I'm having a hard time making it work. A parent liking one sibling over another doesn't really cut it. This story would almost work better for 'Blood is thicker than water'.

I enjoyed the read. A talented writer.

Needs a SUPER straight up. What year exactly is it?  Where is it? We know its sci fi from the log but more info needed so we can fix on it.

Nice writing here and you had it mapped out well. Meandered a little though as not that much was going on.

This is very well written and is a nice quick read in a world easy to envision due to skill of the writer.

But I think the theme is a little light here and diplomatic immunity doesn't really work like that for such crimes...

Liked it a lot though

I really enjoyed reading it. Obviously you know what you're doing and it does read very well. It just flows. The pace, dialog, all aspects of it.

And the way you described the future - just a few words and I can vividly see it.

The thing is Amos is not bad at all, in fact he's a good one, so I'm not rooting for Edward. But I thought about it and now thinking you went for this type of ending.
I think you should add something there and make Amos bad instead. And it will work as a stand-alone script too.

Hmm, not sure about the theme here. I'm curious to see if the writer comes to explain later as to how the theme is worked into this. Maybe because he's an immune US diplomat, he's reckless. And the other is an open-hearted commoner. So, maybe that's how it is.

Paper Clip, Diplomat, Ferry - Short, Sci Fi


a lot to like in this, but a few things that time and space could help with

the sci fi was nicely handled, although it is interesting how many sci fi's now include lots of Bot's and drones to make the point - I liked the glasses and Alexia style commands

nice use of the diplomat using the immunity as they cross the lake but the facts he's left and the dead body still there on the deck, frothing, without being removed or attended to, seems off. If the Bots were that controlling having a corpse on the deck would probably be an issue.

but the idea could work in some way

if he were taken away but in a controlled fashion that would seem to fit

I don't think we are introduced to the brother so on screen how would we know (PS checked it out, the mention of dad could work but its easy to miss - why not a hello brother intro etc)

paperclip - ok we'll buy that

so, slick work, nice angles, but I guess the script would be a bit different given a week to reflect on it

I suppose the nature v nature element is that Dad was a cold bastard, we are told, and the diplomate brother followed him in this path. again a bit more space could enhance the connection

nice work though

This might be my favorite this week. Great title, and how it worked with the story. Ferry seems tough but you made it work without being forced. Poison by paperclip happened a little too fast I thought, but everything else worked just fine.

Hi,

This was a cold and calculated murder story well executed and easily imagined.
Maybe dial back on the bots and androids but overall I liked the story.

Well done.

Really liked this one, very well written with excellent natural sounding dialogue and a good story to boot

Not much else to add. Great job.

Solid, entertaining sci fi. Good use of theme and elements. I liked how well society’s use of technology was integrated into the story. And I especially liked how the writer’s style made the story flow so quickly.

I thought this was a nicely weaved story with creative use of the elements. By page 4 I was saying to myself "if he doesn't go MacGyver with the paper clip..." So yeah, glad you did.

For me this is not sci-fi though - science fiction is not merely setting a story in the future with flying bots and internet glasses. Where is the "fiction"? The future element that science has created and we have to believe is intrinsic to the story?

Theme is just about there - nothing about how Amos was favored or how Edward was raised though.

So a brother killing another for the inheritance... with creative use of diplomat, ferry, and paper clip. 3/4 the way there on theme, and very light on genre , IMHO.

So as a simple story, I'm asking myself, would I watch or read this, separate from this contest? I'm not sure.... I guess it hinges on the immunity aspect of being a diplomat.

AJR

Sci-fi stuff. Nice dialogs. Smooth read.

Good luck.