Ripples by JV - Skipping Stone, Secretary, Children's Playground - Short, Sci Fi

I'm really amazed at how creatively people are using their final, crappy variables. Lol. This was a great idea. Lived the flashbacks and they were very well written.

My only question is...will they think young Bella killed Pattie?

Great use of everything, including theme. Great job, writer.

Didn't see that coming. What started as a heartfelt little story turned awful dark and I'm not sure how I feel about that. Bella basically screwed the rest of her life with that act of spite. The theme, in my eyes was definitely attempted but not quite successfully nailed. Bella never won. It was spectacularly lost at a very high cost and the lesson she taught herself was not a very good one.

Very interesting tale. The theme was there but lost in execution for me. Everything else was there, for sure. Good job, writer.

I have a question for this one - how will we know it's Old Bella on screen. I mean you call her that on paper, it's easy for the reader.

Anyway, this is a very intricate setup and one of the most interesting in the competition. So, she went backk to help yourself win. I supposed she has an OCD then. Or just a schitzopherinia. Anyway, I enjoyed the darkness of this. And at the same time you made me feel for the maniac. A little more pages, a little slower and more - and it would be just amazing. Please try to do even more after this thing is over - this totally worth it.

And two reviews, three with mine? Strange. The rest are having like 5.

I keep harping on this but you need a super for any sci fi or fantasy that is in the future or wherever.

Interesting little story with some painful variables (I still say mine were the worst in the tourney lol!!!!). The sci fi is covered by the holo doctor but it veers into fantasy, crime and -OMG - the dreaded mystery genre lol.

It has a neat feel to it so well done.

Well, this just made me want to go watch "My Pen" skit from Kids in The Hall ...

Enjoyed this odd little surreal twist. Adult killing a kid (spoiler). Tough sell, but you went for it.

At the beginning since the psychiatrist was a hologram, why did Bella have to be in his office? Small critique. Would have been cool if it was her house, or perhaps at her job during lunch break. Just my thought.

Based on this:

...taps some complicated co-ordinates into the keypad
She's a clever little, um, secretary.  So, hmm...

Your actual story packs a punch so we'll bypass that technicality.
Poor Young Bella! She's gonna get the blame. Winning in this case means murder. Bella doesn't actually win at all. Interesting that you made that choice.

I think you needed the actual POD in the slugline otherwise it's a bit obscure when ADULT BELLA jumps in there.
It's hard to tell a story like this in five pages, building the world etc., But this has a great dark vibe to it.

Winner's never apologise, there's always another way.
Shouldn't that be: Losers never apologise, there are other ways to win?

Anyway, nice job. A memorable bad seed tale.

Well, that escalated quickly!

You covered the parameters nicely and this was quite creative. I just, well when an adult manages to fit into society so normally, has a professional job etc. and then suddenly kills a kid at the expense of her own existence (not to mention she has probably setup her younger self for murder) it begs the question - is it believable?

Winning at all costs for sure. However, you didn't do enough in this story (for me anyway) to convince me she was this type of person. The page limit didn't help of course but she should be a tortured soul, quirky, irritable and resentful. A session with a holographic psychiatrist isn't enough.

This could be an excellent character study, it just needs work.

-Mark

Some really interesting world-building here. I really like the setup.

The biggest decision you had to make on this short was the ending... and, I'm sad to say, this just didn't quite work for me. I mean, I was really leaning forward. Then, I got punched in the face.

Maybe it's my fault. I expected it to go one way: Old Bella sacrifices her own life in order to teach her young self a valuable lesson. One that leads to a more fulfilling adulthood.

Instead... she's overwhelmed by her hatred, and just makes sure her young self is overwhelmed even sooner.

Dark for sure. And, maybe I should just accept your vision. But, I can't. I was just left with a bad feeling.

Still, this was well-written and I'll score it accordingly.

Getting that random crap-pile of variables into a story with a beginning, middle, and end is quite an accomplishment. I won't pile on about Bella should know how badly things are going to work out. Seems like if anyone deserved killing it was that wino mom.

An alternative would be for Bella to use her future knowledge of Pattie to let Bella win at something else Pattie sucks at. The montage forward in a new life of scorched-earth relationships and where she ends up explaining to Dr. Oswald why she didn't approve Dr. Vreen's time travel experiment.

Just a thought. What's there is well-written for five pages in three days.

Oh boy, another child killing. There was one in an earlier round... and that kid was heading toward being an irredeemable creep. Here we get a little girl murdered because she can skip stones better than our protag.

I mean, it's interesting. There's a twist. We expect Bella to teach her younger self how to skip stones better than her rival. And then there's time travel introduced. So if her rival was eliminated, her self-esteem in the future should be better, shouldn't it? This is why time travel in a short film is not a good idea, there's not enough time to deal with the paradoxes.

Also the literal Larry in me says that your criteria was secretary, and Bella goes from random note-taking to complex calculations and boom, she's in the past. (btw, Blondie, secretary is a way outmoded term.)

There's a sense about this where it's well written, and dark, and cohesive. But then that ending... it's just not something I enjoyed, but I can respect the effort.

AJR

Quoted from ajr (btw, Blondie, secretary is a way outmoded term.)

I was expecting the Secretary of Defense to show up :)

Quite a dark ending for such a nice set up, I've no problem with that, it just took me by surprise.

Well done.

Thanks for all the great comments on this script, much appreciated as always.

I posted in the Wk 5 discussion thread that I was torn between a number of ending, and it was true... so I went with the one that I thought most hit the theme of 'winning at all costs'... not actually the one I wanted to write, though I did like how dark it went ;-)

I also tried to cram far too much in to 5 pages, the editing was brutal and I think created a couple of points of confusion in the process - my bad.

So I will be re-writing this, ending will be the one I actually wanted to have and it will probably run to a few more pages.

Again, thanks for all the input, invaluable.

You joined the ranks with me, Ant, of killing a kid.  ;D Almost had me accused of killing two in one Tourny. Not literally, of course.

I'll be on the look out for your next draft.
Will be interested to see the longer version with your preferred ending.
Some great atmosphere in this one.

Thanks Libby, and as shown in 'First Kiss' I, like you, have absolutely no qualms about killing kids... in my scripts ;-)

Curious what your other endings were...but I liked this one, especially because of the theme.