Big Al's and Bub's by Destiny - Fashion Magazine, Gas Station and Union Delegate - Short, Horror

These were some awful variables but wow...great job using them so creatively. "Union delegate" was the weakest but you incorporated it so well.

Very well written. Great idea. Enjoyable read. Nice job, writer!

Okay, don't hit me, but I didn't get the Al & Bub characters. For a minute I thought it was deal with a devil (s) but why two? Then I thought it was Pacino and De Niro, now I think maybe I'm missing something obvious. Is there a reference in there to The Irishman? Maybe I'm overthinking... It was them getting Oscars that puzzled me.

Clearly it's a crossroads story of making the right choice or the character's arse is in a sling, both literally and metaphorically.

It was enjoyable despite my apparent ignorance of the finer points, and written very well with a satisfying outcome.
Theme and elements all there.

Don't you just hate those hitchhikers who go out at night and hitch across the desert just begging to be run over? lol.

A familiar tale of doing deals with demons at a crossroads. Nicely written and covers all the elements. I just don't see the horror . The page limit works against you here. If you'd started late and we saw the fate she had in store 25 years later, then you could have played the horror card more.

As it is, this is a nice supernatural piece at the moment, more Twilight Zone than Tales from the Crypt.

-Mark  

A quick and easy read with a nice setup that worked well.

I'm not sure why there's both an Al and a Bub, I assumed it was going to be an Angel/Devil type scenario... but they're both playing the Devil... I'd consider altering that in a re-write.

Thought the criteria was used well overall, especially the magazine, union rep had less important to the story and not really their role that you portray (more of an agent)... but it's a tough challenge!

Good job

The dialog in this is a hoot. The whole thing is very funny. And it was an easy read.

The theme is obviously here.
The rest of the criteria is pretty much in too.

Two Biggies tell her to swap like 50 years for 25? I hope I'm correct here. She's getting less number of years, but her years are better quality. And she didn't run over the bum. What's in it for them though? I guess having people live less is an advantage to an evil soul.

It's a very entertaining short. Just proves to me how dialog and fun characters are more important than detailed explanation to everything that's happening. Besides the rest is an easy fix - just a line here and there will clarify what I'm asking about. That's if you want to clarify, I feel like you don't)
the story is still here. A straigh forward trade of.

Hey, if it's not a car-hit, if it's some other accident this thing would fly off your hands.

Quoted from LC Is there a reference in there to The Irishman? Maybe I'm overthinking... It was them getting Oscars that puzzled me. .

Lol, I thought of Seuss' Thing One and Thing Two when reading it.

(appologies to the writer for potentially starting the discussion but hey it's the last WT!)

That was an entertaining read. Loved the back and forth banter. Got to ask: Big Al's and Bub = Beelzebub? Not sure why you went with two guys instead of one demon/devil. Could've went with a more tug-of-war with her choices but, hey, it was entertaining. As for horror...definitely there but very light horror.

Requisites checked and nailed the theme. Good work, writer.

Not much more to add that others haven't. Very competently written and the variables were used well.

I have to disagree about the criteria being used well. The setting is GAS STATION, and we get a slug that says INT. STATION - CONTINUOUS, however it's obvious we're in a diner, because the door jingles when Marisa enters, and one of the devils is sitting behind a diner counter...

Is it a combination diner / gas station? It doesn't really matter in the scheme of things, other than to satisfy Blondie, I guess. It's just an easier script to write this way, rather than have two guys standing at a pump in the middle of the night.

And union delegate is not the same as agent here - she's speaking to SAG/AFTRA, from what I know, not her agency rep. The stretch is that she probably wouldn't have a personal relationship with Stan, unless she's a huge B word, in which case no one would work with her anyway. More likely, she'd get "a" union delegate to handle the situation, not the same one. Though I'm not 100% sure on any of this.

Story-wise, we get the opening 5 pages of a sell-your-soul to the devil script, where we see none of the resulting consequences, so I'm not sure we get any new ground here.

Competently written and somewhat inventive with the two characters Al and Bub, however for a horror short there's very little tension other than the transient getting run over, and there's an excess of dialogue.

AJR

Really enjoyed this. Simple, uncluttered, not a lot of characters. It was ambiguous but that's ok. One of the best entries, I felt, because it didn't jump around and try to explain everything. Nice job.

I think John is right that these guys are a complex manifestation of Beelzebub, so we have a sell-your-soul story, but we don't see what the actual bargain was. We can guess the cost is high, but not if it comes due in the afterlife (which, to any atheists in the audience seems like cheating) or at some point later in her life.

Come to think of it, right now is 25 years after this story and we're ALL paying for it. I'm really upset with Marisa now.

Well-written beginning of a story here. All of the elements were there, though to make the union delegate more germane than her agent, she should have had a statement about her studio and agent taken out of context (maybe she was left in the dark about negotiations... or something).

Could you be making a statement about the career of a different Marissa perhaps? Are you saying she sold her soul? Times up? Tick. Tock.

This was fun and well written. I, too, would have preferred the deal be spelled out some... but, then, maybe that would have taken out half the fun.

Overall, good job. Thanks for sharing! Looking forward to you jumping back in for a brief explanation when all is said and done.

Snappy dialogue, quick set up, easy finish. I like the minimalist feel of the story, reminded me a bit of Tenacious D's song Tribute in a way.

Well done.

Yes, obviously a sell-your-soul story and I didn't think it needed to be spelled out. Just insinuated should've been good enough. I figured if it was expressed in detail, I would get all expositional and OTN comments back. Bub said it best, they'll get theirs (obviously not an Oscar).

I originally had a half page of the 2020 Academy Awards where Marissa wins Best Actress and had a spot fall on her while accepting her Oscar but page length (thankfully) required me to edit that scene out. In a way, I like not knowing her ultimate demise.

Thanks for all the positives. Surprised it didn't do better but, oh well....

Thanks for the explanation. I was hoping you'd pop back in. I gave this a 4. Good stuff. Would've liked to have seen that half page. Damn page count!

John, the Oscar thing (from memory) was just a bit ambiguous, for me at least.
Hey, I had Bob and Al in there, as in Pacino and De Niro.  ;D You must have really been rolling your eyes at that one. Perhaps I was still on my heavy-duty dental pain killers.

Regardless of my own confusion this was a fine job! Up there on my score-card.
You're a terrifically visual writer. Which is kinda the point.

Big Al's and Bub's by John Staats (JEStaats) writing as Destiny - Short, Horror - An up and coming actress has a decision to make when she seeks help at a desolate crossroad service station. 6 pages

Writing prompt: Fashion Magazine, Gas Station and Union Delegate - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work