Print Topic
SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board / Short Drama Scripts / A Black Square
Posted by: Don, August 6th, 2020, 8:22am
A Black Square by Michal Bilski - Short, Drama - Young man,named DEAN, steals infamous Kazimir Malevich's painting "The Square" from the museum and thereby exposes secrets of modern art. 6 pages - pdf format
Writer interested in feedback on this work
Posted by: BarryJohn, August 6th, 2020, 11:56am; Reply: 1
Hi Michal
I read that english is not your first language... Best to have your scripts proof read by a first language english person.
Whilst you using a script software... your writing of format is wrong:
QUOTE:
INT. MUSEUM SECURITY ROOM- NIGHT
JACK
Oh shit, what the fuck?
Jack hits his desk.
Dialog can't follow straight after a scene heading. Write as....
INT. MUSEUM SECURITY ROOM - NIGHT
Jack hits his desk.
JACK
Oh shit, what the fuck?
QUOTE:
EXT. OUTSIDE OF THE MUSEUM - NIGHT
Scene heading must read BIG to SMALL ~ MAIN AREA to SUB AREA....
EXT. MUSEUM - OUTSIDE - DAY
Further to... For all in a shorts, you not going to what to break the readers flow with to much continual MAIN SCENE headings. use SUB SCENES (PS: Scenes are also known as slugs)
In your script the entire story takes place in one location (MAIN SCENE) = MUSEUM
Go with....
INT. MUSEUM - NIGHT
ENTRANCE
Is a large blaa blaa
SECURITY ROOM
Sits a fat man blaa blaa
SECOND FLOOR
Tom makes it to the door. Opening it he enters into the...
STUDY... closing the door behind him. He sees a blaa blaa
QUOTE:
NICOLE (C.O.)
Around that corner you will witness
?? (C.O) Think you meant (V.O) Voice Over
QUOTE:
JACK (O.S)
(talks with sandwich in his mouth) - Parenthetical
Ghrrr... Hmmm?
Parenthetical is used to express a characters emotion or tone or direction... amongst other.
In this case, JACK is (O.S) so we not seeing the sandwich in any way - Leave it out.
JACK
(Upset)
Oh shit what the fuck man!
QUOTE:
DEAN Are we sure we want to do this? (...)I don’t know man. Is it a good idea? (...)Of course I want this money. (...) Okay then. I’m waiting for light to blow out and I’m doing it.
?? Don't know what this is... But, its wrong!
ALL said - READ AS MANY SCRIPTS AS POSSIBLE. Its best the way to learn the trade.
Hope this has helped you.
All the best.
Posted by: Michal, August 10th, 2020, 4:51am; Reply: 2
Thank you for your feedback.
I was not aware of the errors you mentioned so now I will certainly take them into consideration.
And yes, English is not my first language. However, I don't know if in the case of this story it is restricting my storytelling skills.
Posted by: Yuvraj, August 10th, 2020, 5:08am; Reply: 3
It is action packed, I'll say this. But the errors take away from the read.
But you know learning is constant. Read as many scripts as possible from various genres. Hope to see more from you.
Good luck.
Print page generated: May 5th, 2024, 12:48am
Powered by
E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006