Window Creep by Rob Herzog - Short, Horror - A nine-year-old boy tries to outwit the visitor who scratches at his window screen in the middle of the night. 6 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Rob, this is terrific.

That'll teach Mama to tie one on and not be there for her son when he needs her.
I won't nitpick cause the story's all here with a great little twist, and all in one location.

I'll eat my hat if this one doesn't get picked up. Filmmakers love easy to make short Horror films.
PM me if you'd like a blog review if it doesn't get snatched up in the meantime. :)

Nice little contained horror here. Definitely effective and creepy. Nicely done.

Bonne chance.

Ahoy Rob,

This Fukkin sucks.

Just kidding.;D  Read it. Great. Killer tone, dialogue, sense of character and scene. Whatever quibbles I might have were defeated by the strength of the piece overall. Terrific effort - so yeh, take Libby up on her offer, can't beat one of her blog reviews. Sorry if I went overboard. :)-ghostiegirl.

Very well written - Very visual.

Right at the end you wrote....
QUOTE:
Beyond the screen is pure darkness.
               EDDIE
               Mama!                                                                 FADE OUT:

...pure darkness. = Was it that he hypnotised himself? - A nightmare dream?
Or as LC says: That'll teach Mamma...  That be, then the kid is worst off to have to grow-up (his 9) with out a mother... Was mother really that bad? She's 20's and the kids 9, pregnant teen mom. So she drinks... you described the kid as happy, joyful, not emotionally abused...

OR. Did the hypnotised toy soldiers call the "boogie man"

OR. ??  Let us know please...  

With that said... a good story in that the reader can perceive the ending as they wish.

NICE.        

Hi Rob,

Liked this one enough.  The kid came across well thanks to the outset—the playfulness and odd gymnastics.  Rising tension with the arrival of the Window Creep and the repeating dialogue was a nice touch.  For me, the ending was okay.  Plays to the straight horror of the moment and does the job.

Simple and effective—the kind of horror short that gets picked up.  Best of luck with it.

Steve

Good setup, and well-written.  We like Eddie, and can tell he is kind of a rotten kid.  A Max from Wild Things kind of vibe. I would play that up more in his interactions with the Creep.

Given Eddie's handstand, our view of his room should be an upside-down POV.

The trip to Mom's bedroom is not needed. We can just assume she is around somewhere until she does show up.

The ending is conventional, and one additional step further might strengthen things.  A final line of dialogue from the Creep, perhaps.  Maybe Eddie grabs her hand and that's all there is – her hand. I enjoyed this, but at the same time it needs one more pop to really stick the landing.

Like this story. Very well done!

I would maybe have the MOM look out the window and see nothing at first...then turn around to face Eddie. Then get sucked out.

just a suggestion...

Let me know if you're interested in working together. I'm also in Chicago ;)