The Helper by James Austin McCormick - Short, Drama, Supernatural - A desperate man finds himself lost and alone until a stranger shows him two possible paths, that between life and death. 4 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

This is unusual at least for me. I think this talks about karma and bad deeds. I don't know. The context here is very vague.

But maybe for someone else, it will be meaningful.

Bonne chance.

Very well written indeed.

The story didn't do it for me - it was unreal... I could not relate to it.

                                  WOMAN (CONT’D)
We can drink, talk, even dance if you like, that is until those stars out there fade away. It will be very gentle. Jay looks out at the stars.

No man would chose (above) with leg-over for just one night, ver - Life.

So, Jay's in limbo between life and death.



SPOILERS BELOW:

Jay chooses death. One more drink before dying. As soon as those stars extinguish it's another day and he's a goner.

It's a sad and touching tale but it's too brief a snapshot of Jay's life imho. I personally need a bit more story about what led him to take his own life to be fully invested and be really affected.

Just as a final point: Imho, it's a rather uninspiring title.
Until The Stars Fade Away would be way more poetic. It's the best line too.

Nice all the same, just a bit incomplete and anticlimactic for me.

James,

I struggle with these life/death/limbo scenarios as they generally feel a little too familiar.  I think every writer has at least one (myself included) and they tend to rely a little too heavily on the question and answer setup to do the heavy lifting.

I get this a kind of limbo and I understand how we got here (overdose) but if Jay doesn’t much care about his life then how can we?  I have to think how this would unfold on screen and what I'd likely take away from it and in the end there’s not enough here to hook me in, string me along and pay it all off.  Nicely written but not enough meat on the bone for my tastes - though that's just me, so take it with a pinch of salt.

All the best,

Steve

Thanks for all the feedback. It's helped me realise there's not enough drama or tension in this one to make it dramatic enough- the protagonist needs to debate and waver  to make it work and build some tension.

thanks again guys