Phoebe by Jason K. Allen - Short, Horror, Drama - While backpacking alone in the wilderness, a young man encounters a mysterious girl who has a unique relationship with the forest. 8 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hi, Jason,

I don't know if you gonna reply or not, but even with this uncertainty I am writing what I feel about the script.

First off, the writing is really amazing. It is lucid and easy to follow. Even considering this is a short, the writing is amazing.

I knew what was gonna happen but it's worth reading.

Good luck.

I would work on dialogue - less exclamation/yelling?

The descriptions are great.

It might help if Phoebe seems more real at the start?

–

Longer version idea; Phoebe asks Austin if he’d join her there for all of eternity. He says no, only to return for days falling in love with her. Finally he goes to be with her for eternity after we see how terrible his life is after some sort of traumatic incident ruined his life - oh I don’t know - he accidentally killed a girl years ago - turns out to be her.  :o

Okay, I’ll shut up. LOL

Good little short, and again, loved the vivid descriptions.

Jason

Well written. I liked that you wrote in quite a bit of nature scenes. It gave tranquillity to the story... that gave for a good ending. Phoebe finally finding (selecting) a true nature loving person she can "take" to spend this "alone life" with.

Well done.      

Well, that was nicely horrific, and you lulled us into a false sense of security very well.

I kept tripping up on the word: deteriorating.

deteriorating fingers, deteriorating face.
If you're going the full horror route which this ends up being, I suggest using the words decomposing and decaying.

I'd personally call it sinkhole too. Much more apt title for a horror. Jmho.

The Carrie-esque denouement is well done.

Phoebe could easily have just fallen into that Sinkhole as opposed to:
That’s where they dumped my body.
I was still alive -- for a while...

Either way is very creepy.
The type of Horror to get picked up quickly.

Best of luck with it!