The Shipping Out by David C Lambertson - Dramedy - After a billionaire launches a cruise line dedicated to people facing a terminal illness, he discovers that he needs to take that last voyage with them. 117 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hmm.

I wrote the first draft of this two years ago. Never posted it. Anyway - Did some clean-up on it recently and submitted it to PAGE and just found out it made the semi-finals. That was a pleasant and unexpected surprise.  Anyway - thought I would post it here.

Logline's nice. Will it a read for sure.

Quoted from Yuvraj Logline's nice. Will it a read for sure.

Wow - thanks,mate

Quoted from eldave1 Hmm. submitted it to PAGE and just found out it made the semi-finals.

Congrats, Dave! That's awesome news, this seems to be your comp, surely not too much longer before you take the top prize.

Quoted from Warren Congrats, Dave! That's awesome news, this seems to be your comp, surely not too much longer before you take the top prize.

Thanks. mate.

It must be - I had posted this one here before because I wasn't quite sure of it.. Kind of entered it thinking it would get blown out. Shows you what I know.

Beaudy, Dave! Fingers crossed it goes all the way.

Quoted from LC Beaudy, Dave! Fingers crossed it goes all the way.

Thanks!

Yo, Dave. What's up?

Gave it a read.

Might as well start by saying that the writing is amazing. As always. Easy to follow and read. Pages fly by. Although, just a few typos, which can be easily fixed with a simple revision of the script. Other than that, it's all good.  

The story's nice. Not complicated at all to re-read anything. Quite simple and fasted paced(I liked that aspect). And heart-warming too. I am afraid to say that there were no favorite characters for me in the story. I don't mean it negatively, it's just that all the characters had a neutral impression on me. No one stood out to me. Also, the concept was kinda cool with the pros and cons, obviously. But I dug it.

My comment will be short, since I don't read dramedies that much.

Hope it will be helpful to you. If not, let's hope some dramedy enthusiast jumps in.

And congrats for been a PAGE semi-finalist. Let's hope you take the grand prize.

(And yeah, a shameless request. Do give my script THE GASMAN, a read, if possible. You will find it weird. But you know, I'm weird. :) )  

Good luck.

Quoted from Yuvraj Yo, Dave. What's up? Gave it a read. Might as well start by saying that the writing is amazing. As always. Easy to follow and read. Pages fly by. Although, just a few typos, which can be easily fixed with a simple revision of the script. Other than that, it's all good.   The story's nice. Not complicated at all to re-read anything. Quite simple and fasted paced(I liked that aspect). And heart-warming too. I am afraid to say that there were no favorite characters for me in the story. I don't mean it negatively, it's just that all the characters had a neutral impression on me. No one stood out to me. Also, the concept was kinda cool with the pros and cons, obviously. But I dug it. My comment will be short, since I don't read dramedies that much. Hope it will be helpful to you. If not, let's hope some dramedy enthusiast jumps in. And congrats for been a PAGE semi-finalist. Let's hope you take the grand prize. (And yeah, a shameless request. Do give my script THE GASMAN, a read, if possible. You will find it weird. But you know, I'm weird. :) )   Good luck.

Thanks

Where is GASMAN located?

Congratulations, Dave for making it to the semi-final. That's awesome!

I gave this one a read.

Well researched, Well written script. Loved it. There were plenty of moments where I laughed. Well defined characters. Loved Charley and Grace especially.

I have some feedback. I don't know how much use it will be for you. Ignore if not needed.

Pg. 27 - David and Gina at a SENIOR CENTER handing out flyers.
Would a COO of a multi-million dollar company do this? I am not sure.

Pg. 64 - An extra line of space.

Pg. 65 - After the band plays the instrumental, I felt that all the scenes up to Pg. 70 were dragging the narrative. Probably you can trim or get rid of them completely.

Pag. 70 - Salvador's death scene didn't leave that much impact on me. Probably because last I saw him on page 59.

It would have been more impactful if there was a scene where we see Salvador enjoying his life at fullest, saying Thank You to David and also telling David about Sophia that she is a nice girl... Something like that.

Then I will continue with the scene where Salvador dies.

Then instead of David going out to smoke, he still sits there with the body and there is a knock on the door. Sophia arrives with the medicines and sees David crying beside Salvador's motionless body. Then you can continue with the funeral scene. This, in my opinion, will create a more dramatic moment.

That's it.

Overall I enjoyed it very much. Wish you all the best for the finals.

Quoted from Fais85 Congratulations, Dave for making it to the semi-final. That's awesome! I gave this one a read. Well researched, Well written script. Loved it. There were plenty of moments where I laughed. Well defined characters. Loved Charley and Grace especially. I have some feedback. I don't know how much use it will be for you. Ignore if not needed. Pg. 27 - David and Gina at a SENIOR CENTER handing out flyers. Would a COO of a multi-million dollar company do this? I am not sure. Pg. 64 - An extra line of space. Pg. 65 - After the band plays the instrumental, I felt that all the scenes up to Pg. 70 were dragging the narrative. Probably you can trim or get rid of them completely. Pag. 70 - Salvador's death scene didn't leave that much impact on me. Probably because last I saw him on page 59. It would have been more impactful if there was a scene where we see Salvador enjoying his life at fullest, saying Thank You to David and also telling David about Sophia that she is a nice girl... Something like that. Then I will continue with the scene where Salvador dies. Then instead of David going out to smoke, he still sits there with the body and there is a knock on the door. Sophia arrives with the medicines and sees David crying beside Salvador's motionless body. Then you can continue with the funeral scene. This, in my opinion, will create a more dramatic moment. That's it. Overall I enjoyed it very much. Wish you all the best for the finals.

Thanks for the read and notes, mate - greatly appreciated.

Quoted Text Pg. 27 - David and Gina at a SENIOR CENTER handing out flyers.[/i] Would a COO of a multi-million dollar company do this? I am not sure.

In most cases - no, In this case - yes. This is his passion project. Normal protocols are off.

Quoted Text Pg. 64 - An extra line of space.

Thanks

Quoted Text Pg. 65 - After the band plays the instrumental, I felt that all the scenes up to Pg. 70 were dragging the narrative. Probably you can trim or get rid of them completely.

I'll take a fresh look here - I am looking to trim about 10 pages so maybe this is the spot.

Quoted Text Pag. 70 - Salvador's death scene didn't leave that much impact on me. Probably because last I saw him on page 59. It would have been more impactful if there was a scene where we see Salvador enjoying his life at fullest, saying Thank You to David and also telling David about Sophia that she is a nice girl... Something like that. etc....

Super note - dead bang on. Going to change this. I really like this suggestion.

Thanks again - glad you enjoyed it.

Quoted from eldave1 Thanks for the read and notes, mate - greatly appreciated.

My pleasure. :)