Hell... Its over crowded by Barry John Terblanche - Short, Comedy - Hell is bursting at the seam... Satan goes up to investigate. What he finds, is not what he expected.  20 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hi Barry, hope you are well

Quoted Text EXT. HELL - ALWAYS NIGHT HELL. How best to describe it..? Night time with red clouds, Mid-town L.A Chine-town in the 80's. Just a lot more fucked-up and extremely over crowded with the walking dead ZOMBIE like residents loathing around aimlessly. SATAN. How best to describe him..? Take Donald Trump and spray him red, give him goat horns and add a tail...

How best to describe these things indeed... not the way you have done, I fear.

If I were you, I would be more visual. Set the scene and guide us through it (unless of course you actually envisage a Trump lookalike to play Satan)
The trouble with references is will the majority of readers get it? Will those reading the script know what midtown LA Chinatown in the 80's look like? I quite like some metaphors or similies or references in scripts when they add something... and when they are broad enough to be understood by the majority.

In this case, I think it's best to describe what we are seeing... guide us through.

I would also avoid double information as it can be a stumble to read - removing it makes things more streamlined and more professional. (I.E putting "Hell" and "night time" in the description when it's already in the slug

Is this just for a writing exercise or serious production consideration? If the latter, you should look (and take care with) copyrights as I notice you have Hellboy in here.

Best of luck to you, Barry

I'm going to appear pedantic here but I'll say it anyway cause putting your best foot forward on a public writing forum is important.

An apostrophe is needed -  title page, thread title etc.
I can fix it here, if you want, but Barry you'll need to update the actual title page.

Hi LC and Matthew

Thank you both for the read and comments.

QUOTE:
Is this just for a writing exercise or serious production consideration? If the latter, you should look (and take care with) copyrights as I notice you have Hellboy in here.

Writing exercise ~ Just had some fun in writing a "Wacky - off-beat" comedy for us all to just have a good laugh. Thus, the writing weird description; Hell is china town, spray Donald red, etc...

Definitely not production consideration!

QUOTE:
I'm going to appear pedantic here but I'll say it anyway cause putting your best foot forward on a public writing forum is important

Not my best foot... as said, just a wacky comedy for the forum to have a laugh.

*  To all that follow in comment... Guys, just have a good off-beat laugh at it.   ;D

    



    

Ahoy Barry,

Quoted Text I'm going to appear pedantic here but I'll say it anyway cause putting your best foot forward on a public writing forum is important.

Kudos to Libby's on-the-money post!

Frankly, I'm worried. When did I lose my sense of humor? That's what you've got me wondering. While other readers are rolling around in the aisles laughing, I'm sitting here straight-faced and feeling sad inside. Did I laugh a few times? Yup.  Especially the George Michael bit. There are a couple of clunkers in here, particularly: “the Donald Trump bit.”

To sum up...

... It's obvious from THIS that you're a funny guy, and it's meant to be wacky and absurd... if you could find someone who shares your taste in comedy, and really brainstorm to come up with gags (I think something happens when you're collaborating on this sort of thing; the result can be greater than the sum of the parts), so that you have a butt-load of jokes, and then TRIM BACK to just the ones that really work. Right now it's sort of scattershot, with some jokes working and others, not so much.

But I just thought I'd put it out there for food for thought. Best of Irish luck!-A