After taking a bit of a break, I thought I might get back into my dark and twisted love story. While I don't have every single thing planned out just yet, I have a core idea of two "lovers" embarking on a cross country road trip, filled with murderous excitement and all sorts of debauchery.

The concept is this - troubled woman (Evelyn) seduces an equally troubled man (Jacob), and essentially becomes her "pet." He helps her satiate her perverted desires, without question. Until at a certain point, where he feels the same desire. By the end, we learn that Evelyn is grooming Jacob not to become a serial killer, but to become HER killer. She wants to die by the hands of someone completely in love with her, and feels true love is when your life is taken by the one that loves you.

I'm going for a dark comedic tone, so a little more light-hearted than Natural Born Killers. The first 5 pages are below, and I would love to hear anything regarding what I'm sharing, or about the idea itself.

EDIT: Ignore whats on page 7-8, that shouldnt be there as its an older draft.

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1WcVPH60IwD5zpyEeBYfs2aT_AyZLqfjx/view?usp=drivesdk

Hey, Steven

This was weirdly entertaining.

A woman brutally stabs a Man. A guy witnesses the murder.
The first thing a guy will do is to "run" and not to talk with her like the way Jacob is talking with Evelyn.

Probably you wanted to give a weird personality to both of them. But as we don't know anything about Jacob yet, it's hard to digest.

Probably, the moment Evelyn notices Jacob, she can say "Hey! I killed him in self-defense. He was trying to rape me." Still, Jacob is not sure. Evelyn says; "I am calling the police, now". She calls the police. That may ease the suspicion.

I may be wrong but that's what I felt.

Alright, Steven,

First thing I noticed was the writing. It is really, really smooth. Easy to read and follow. Nothing extra written. Compact and lucid. Hope to see the same when the script is finished.  

Keeping in mind that this script is under-development by you and not much is known about the characters as of now, I can say that the opening works for me. Two bizarre personalities coming together amidst a brutal act.

Nothing more to say as of now.

Good luck.
    

It's a solid start. Sets the tone, establishes right away the relationship between these two warped characters. I'm not concerned with why the guy wouldn't initially act with repulsion or horror upon first coming upon the lady as she's killing a man. You're only five pages in, you still have another 85-115 pages to go character motivations and all that.

So far I'm getting a bit of a Psychos in Love vibe. That's not a bad thing. It's a cheap movie with no-name actors and is about as subtle and nuanced as a brick to the face, but it's the relationship and chemistry between the two leads that makes it work. My recommendation would be to really lean into the relationship and make it believably symbiotic. Just because you're going for darkly comedic doesn't mean you have to eschew the emotional or dramatic aspects. Especially if your goal is to ultimately have him kill her.  You'll need the audience fully invested in the both of them, and to fully understand exactly why they're attracted to one another. We'll need to know that killing her is going to have a lasting effect on him, and the audience will need to believe that at her moment of death, she could not possibly be more in love with him. That's the entire point, so you really have to nail it.

You won't achieve either if the the viewer isn't 100% fully invested in the characters or if their relationship even whiffs of being plot-driven rather than character-driven.

My two cents. Good luck. Keep writing. :)

Quoted from Fais85 Hey, Steven This was weirdly entertaining. A woman brutally stabs a Man. A guy witnesses the murder. The first thing a guy will do is to "run" and not to talk with her like the way Jacob is talking with Evelyn. Probably you wanted to give a weird personality to both of them. But as we don't know anything about Jacob yet, it's hard to digest. Probably, the moment Evelyn notices Jacob, she can say "Hey! I killed him in self-defense. He was trying to rape me." Still, Jacob is not sure. Evelyn says; "I am calling the police, now". She calls the police. That may ease the suspicion. I may be wrong but that's what I felt.

Thanks for checking it out. Yea, I need to have Jacob be a little more leery of Evelyn at first. He’s too willing when he first sees her. I’ll probably have him intervene or try to, and she pushes  him off or something.

Quoted from Yuvraj Alright, Steven, First thing I noticed was the writing. It is really, really smooth. Easy to read and follow. Nothing extra written. Compact and lucid. Hope to see the same when the script is finished.   Keeping in mind that this script is under-development by you and not much is known about the characters as of now, I can say that the opening works for me. Two bizarre personalities coming together amidst a brutal act. Nothing more to say as of now. Good luck.

Thanks! I’m trying to not overwrite as I typically am a bit long winded.

Quoted from Lon It's a solid start. Sets the tone, establishes right away the relationship between these two warped characters. I'm not concerned with why the guy wouldn't initially act with repulsion or horror upon first coming upon the lady as she's killing a man. You're only five pages in, you still have another 85-115 pages to go character motivations and all that. So far I'm getting a bit of a Psychos in Love vibe. That's not a bad thing. It's a cheap movie with no-name actors and is about as subtle and nuanced as a brick to the face, but it's the relationship and chemistry between the two leads that makes it work. My recommendation would be to really lean into the relationship and make it believably symbiotic. Just because you're going for darkly comedic doesn't mean you have to eschew the emotional or dramatic aspects. Especially if your goal is to ultimately have him kill her.  You'll need the audience fully invested in the both of them, and to fully understand exactly why they're attracted to one another. We'll need to know that killing her is going to have a lasting effect on him, and the audience will need to believe that at her moment of death, she could not possibly be more in love with him. That's the entire point, so you really have to nail it. You won't achieve either if the the viewer isn't 100% fully invested in the characters or if their relationship even whiffs of being plot-driven rather than character-driven. My two cents. Good luck. Keep writing. :)

There’s a few sources I’m pulling from, in terms of tone anyway. The first is obviously Natural Born Killers. That’s the epitome of psychos being in love. The second is the decent movie Burying The Ex, which is super violent but comedic. Also, I had an Alexandra Daddario type in my head when I thought of Evelyn. She exists in a short that I wrote titled Inamorata, which was posted here under Shorts I believe. There, I describe her in great detail and she’s equally as flawed.

As for their first meeting, I don’t think I’m keeping it in the alley. In the short I mentioned, Evelyn meets a guy in the night club (the one they’re outside of in this scene). I’ll most likely have Jacob witness Evelyn stabbing a man during their second meeting. Maybe he recognizes her and tries to help. Not sure yet but an easy fix.

Regarding the relationship itself...Jacob is WAY out of his league here. Think of someone like Josh Gad being seduced by Daddario for example. He will do anything for her. She will do what she can to get Jacob to love her, she doesn’t necessarily love him in the same way, or even at all. In her twisted mind, she equates love with death. To be killed by someone so deeply in love with you is the ultimate display of love. To rid her of her existence and put her out of whatever misery she feels she’s in. Jacob, on the other hand, sees Evelyn as someone who helped him become his true self. Bringing him out of his shell and helping him enjoy life by taking the life of someone.

In the end, after Jacob kills Evelyn, I will have him begin to groom someone (not sure male or female), with the same goal as Evelyn had. In killing her, he will understand what it means to be killed by the one who loves you. She will reveal she does not love him, but used him for this reason. This is the last push he needs to go through with it. Jacob then seeks out the same love he had for Evelyn.

I liked it. Nice work

Quoted from eldave1 I liked it. Nice work

Thanks!

Oof. You said "think of Josh Gad" and ruined it for me LOL  Not a fan of that dude.

Seriously, though, it's an interesting idea. I'd be interested in seeing what kind of tone you establish. But even with the ending you want, this would still rely on strong character writing. Even if your ultimate goal is to pull the rug out from under your hero at the last minute, he would still have to arrive at that moment because he was fully invested in the female character; otherwise, it would just feel like a cheat.

I'm kind of reminded of another killer couple movie called Bloodletting, a shot-on-video indie from '97. I personally love that flick and feel that it works despite its non-existent budget and amateur actors -- except for the final twist. The movie is about a woman who tracks down a notorious serial killer and blackmails him into teacher her how to murder; they fall in love until a bout of jealousy sees them take each other out. In their dying moments, the guy reveals he actually is not the notorious serial killer, he was just some hapless loner who fell for the woman the instant he saw her, and pretended to be the killer she'd been tracking. That attempt at a final ironic twist can seriously undermine the entire movie leading up to it.  Point being, be careful with the conclusion you discussed above. If you hit even one false note, the twist won't work and the audience will feel cheated.

Again, just my two cents. :)

Quoted from Lon Oof. You said "think of Josh Gad" and ruined it for me LOL  Not a fan of that dude. Seriously, though, it's an interesting idea. I'd be interested in seeing what kind of tone you establish. But even with the ending you want, this would still rely on strong character writing. Even if your ultimate goal is to pull the rug out from under your hero at the last minute, he would still have to arrive at that moment because he was fully invested in the female character; otherwise, it would just feel like a cheat. I'm kind of reminded of another killer couple movie called Bloodletting, a shot-on-video indie from '97. I personally love that flick and feel that it works despite its non-existent budget and amateur actors -- except for the final twist. The movie is about a woman who tracks down a notorious serial killer and blackmails him into teacher her how to murder; they fall in love until a bout of jealousy sees them take each other out. In their dying moments, the guy reveals he actually is not the notorious serial killer, he was just some hapless loner who fell for the woman the instant he saw her, and pretended to be the killer she'd been tracking. That attempt at a final ironic twist can seriously undermine the entire movie leading up to it.  Point being, be careful with the conclusion you discussed above. If you hit even one false note, the twist won't work and the audience will feel cheated. Again, just my two cents. :)

I used josh gad only because there’d be no way for him to pull a girl like Daddario. Haha. I’m trying to figure out his type. Whether it be like Gad or a Michael Cera type awkward. I know he can’t be on the same level has her, as it has to be believable that there’s no way he could get with her.

I won’t just abruptly pull the rug out from under him. When they stop at motels they won’t be in the same room, and she won’t have sex with him. She’s basically a huge tease, but gives enough to string Jacob along.

when she says at the beginning "please dont hurt us"
You should add a (sarcastic) to make it clear. Because you said she is strangely calm.

And language like gut, and balls, its sounds too juvenile.
How about she kicks him in the

nether regions,
family jewels
etc etc
Something more poetic? Just a suggestion :)