Okay - scared me!

I'd change the lettering to something a little more gothic

Nice work

Nice and creepy little short. Nothing to add much except a few typos.

Pg. 4
Sabrina sits at her toy table, joined my three stuffed
animals and the doll.

Perhaps it should be... joined *by*

Pg. 6
SABRINA
YOU CAN’T DO THAT! THAT’S MY DOLL!
BEE-EL GAVE HER TO ME! YOU BETTER
GIVER HER BACK OUR ELSE!

You better *give* her back *or* else!

Good job CJ! Enjoyed the teaser as well.

Nice little creep here, CJ!

Enjoyed the teaser as well.

Good luck for the production. Hope to see the short film(if it's been made) very soon.

A real nitty issue, but you don't have to repeat info that is in your header in your descriptions. For example:

Quoted Text EXT. SIDEWALK - MORNING It’s a gorgeous sunny morning and zipping around on her hoverboard is SABRINA (9), cute as a button with blonde ponytails

Don't need morning in the desciption.  You already told us in the header.

Quoted Text INT. KITCHEN - LATER A quaint apartment kitchen. Birds chirp outside the window

Don't need kitchen in the description.  You could also put apartment in the header.

INT. APARTMENT/KITCHEN - DAY

Quaint and tidy.

Okay - this was pretty effing creepy. Nice job.

Quoted from eldave1 Okay - scared me! I'd change the lettering to something a little more gothic Nice work

Thanks, I always look forward to your feedback. The "Lettering"...I was going for a 9-year-old handwriting style since the real evil is Sabrina.

Quoted from ChrisV Thanks, I always look forward to your feedback. The "Lettering"...I was going for a 9-year-old handwriting style since the real evil is Sabrina.

Makes sense.  

Quoted from Fais85 Nice and creepy little short. Nothing to add much except a few typos. Pg. 4 Sabrina sits at her toy table, joined my three stuffed animals and the doll. Perhaps it should be... joined *by* Pg. 6 SABRINA YOU CAN’T DO THAT! THAT’S MY DOLL! BEE-EL GAVE HER TO ME! YOU BETTER GIVER HER BACK OUR ELSE! You better *give* her back *or* else! Good job CJ! Enjoyed the teaser as well.

Thanks, Man!

Chris, very nice. Nothing to add that others haven't, typo-format wise. Oh, I would go easy on all caps in dialogue. The exclamation points serve the tone imh, but that's a nitpick and personal preference.

I balked a bit at the cleavage/arse line and then realised it's appropriate cause it's Bee-El's POV.

The suspense is terrific.
The little girl is nicely creepy.

SPOILERS below:


I did find the mother copping it in your denouement a bit anti-climactic but I guess you're doing a feature length with this and there'd be much more story in between?

Your video teaser scared the crap out of me.  ;D

Hi,

Well written and quite dark but I think that this approach to the horror genre has been done before, name times.
Without any backstory it's difficult to understand why a nine year old would be so easily violent, vindictive and cruel.
The end is very dark and sudden but again with more backstory we would get a better understanding of how and why we reached this point in your story.
Your short video certainly teases a great evil presence and I think you have the bones of a really good story, it just needs fleshing out more.
Very well done and good luck.

Thanks...starting work on the Full Lenght Script. All your questions will be answered! ;)

UPDATED VERSION ONLINE... using all the great feedback from you guys! XoXo

BEE-EL is now in POST!  ;D

Super!

Congrats. Just read the script, this was bound to get snapped up. I enjoyed it.

Woah, that was scary good! And congrats!

Woo-hoo! It was inevitable that this would get made! Nice work!

-- Michael

Good script. I can see why this is getting made. The trailer is enticing, too. Although I seem to recognize a snippet from Grave Encounters there.

James

Haha...that was good....nice and creepy. The doll in post prod photo is nice n creepy. Looking forward to seeing it!

Congrats mate!! It was a sure shot to be made.  Looking forward to it.  

Quoted from jwent6688 Good script. I can see why this is getting made. The trailer is enticing, too. Although I seem to recognize a snippet from Grave Encounters there. James

Yes, I noticed that too...LOL. We are just using the CLOSET DOOR/HANDS part in the film.

My nephew made that for me ;)

Congrats.

BLB

My horror short film BEE-EL just made the Crimson Screen Horror Fest!!!

My virtual screening is eligible for an "audience choice" award among others! Unlock it to cast your vote for Bee-El ;)




https://watch.eventive.org/crimsonscreen/play/6068c00e1bb6a900b65703a6/606a107dc3ce6300c127a3aa

Congrats, mate!!

Nice one, congrats.

Looking forward to seeing this one.

Hey Everyone,

My horror short BEE-EL will be premiering at Crimson Screen Film Fest this weekend. Below is a password link (simplyscripts) and will only be TEMP.

https://vimeo.com/552621248

The short differs from the script a little due to budget, weather and only one day to shoot.

We will be in the Houston Horror and Indy PopCon next  ;D


HOPE YOU ENJOY IT!

Dude.... The dolly shot starting at 2:09 was incredible, and the doll's arm moving? the hair on my neck stood up. Cudos to the FX team. Bee-El looks great in the reveal, reminds me of Darkness from Legend. :)  Congrats on a quality short man.  May you have all the success you deserve.

Very impressive horror short, one to be proud of for sure. Congrats.

Chris, you've got an impressive film on your hands here and, whilst humility goes a long way, humility and talent are a commodity in short supply. I'm sure it's getting all kinds of positive ink. We wish you all the luck . Shout it from the rooftops. You earned the right. This is a great looking piece of work! :)

Thank you _ghostwriters, Warren and Lono for the kind words!!! <3


Below is a password link (LOWER CASE PW: simplyscripts ) and will only be TEMP.

https://vimeo.com/552621248

Password doesn't work for me.  :-/

Quoted from LC Password doesn't work for me.  :-/

Hey gurl, try again. It took me several attempts. Finally did the all small case lettering and it worked. :)

Thanks, Gurl! Got it.
But apparently I was first going the dumb-blonde route by putting TEMP in.   ;D

Nice work, CJ. As mentioned that was an impressive dolly shot. That's a lot of track. The girl sneaking up on mom and pushing her in the closet was an unexpected screech moment.

The wheezing was a bit much. It can be creepy, but when Bee-el talks he doesn't sound very congested. Maybe you could find another sound effect to be more of his beckoning? (just my two cents)

All in all it's a sold short. I enjoyed it and thanks for sharing...

James

Thank you for your input...this was also my first time editing. I used Premiere Pro and after the 2nd "saved" draft I went and deleted some files on my hard drive to save some space. Well, I didn't know this (rookie), but I guess it also deleted the files on Adobe Cloud at the same time....making my 2nd draft my ONLY master copy and I could only ADD to it...WTF? That being said...you're 100% right on the wheezing and I also think the "cold" breaths, I wanted to tone them down or edit them, but couldn't.

Oh well...lesson learned for my next film ;)

I won "Best Writer" at the Indie Horror Film Fest (Chicago) for my BEE-EL script!

I want to THANK SimplyScripts and all of you that helped me in this forum/thread, I would have never won without you!  <3

Amazing, Chris!!! Congrats!

Hope this is just the beginning for you!

Congrats! Nice achievement

Congratulations, Dude! That's impressive! :)

Congrats!