The List by Steve A Clark (Steven Clark) - Short, Drama - A troubled man visits a park with a friend he must always make excuses for. 1 page - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Rightio, Stevo.

Steve A Clarke. Is this a new pen-name? For a moment I was unsure if this was you, Steven Clark.

So you open with:
Vacant. That blueish-gray tint on early morning
I'm not sure if on is supposed to be of?
Vacant, for a park? Deserted maybe? Feel free to disregard.

This has an ominous feel. Well, the gun makes it that way doesn't it?
Your logline refers to the gun as friend I take it?

My favourite line is this one:
Hold as the sound of VOICES are heard --
men, women, children. Talking. Shouting. Arguing. A SLAP. A
GUNSHOT. The CRASH of a car.

Cause it's the window into what's going on here.

Then everything is played down again rhythm-wise for me.

I think that list could be a bit more sinister.
Again, the strongest bits for me here are:
...this girl at work likes me, my
daughter called...

Bit of detective work leads me to decipher he's going through a list of things that change his mind about doing himself in.

Or:  He did a bad bad thing (which would work equally as well if horror) but you'd need to ramp up that favourite bit of mine above, and embellish the list.

So, I'm going with his mind is changed, last minute, about whether to stick out this thing called life.

I like that you wrote that para above and my mind filled in the blanks with a cacophony of action... Including the words the lover whispered.

I do think for dramatic purposes you've gone a little light-on, but the gun is the focal point
Is less more here? Maybe.

Nice job, mate... with so little.

Hey Libby,

Thanks for reading. You’re spot on with your assumption, including the blueish tint “of” morning.

Yes, the list is of the reasons he finds every day to not do himself in.

I guess I’m bad at filling in the blanks. I always figure people know what I mean. You got it, yes, but I’ve been ambiguous to a fault before. Sometimes it works, sometimes not.

Just a little story that came to me yesterday morning, and I haven’t written a short in a while, so...

Thanks again!

Steve A. Clark ;D

I think the story would work really well as a micro-short, Steve.

I just think the desired effect should be to make us care about Don, just a teeny bit more by giving us a couple more emotive things on that list.

Hey, I could be wrong. See what others think. :)

P.S. It came to you yesterday? SS Don sure is posting fast.

Steven,

This was a cool one-pager. Very positive story.

It'll be cool if instead of showing all the excuses (list) on a single page, he flips through the pages and every page has one excuse.

On the first page: The sun shined today...
Second Page: A baby’s laugh...
Third Page: This girl at work likes me...
Fourth Page: My daughter called...

Finally, on the fifth blank page, he writes...  call of a songbird.

Also, before the bird starts to sing, for a moment he should go for the gun.

Great job with the writing, dude!

Quoted from Fais85 Steven, This was a cool one-pager. Very positive story. It'll be cool if instead of showing all the excuses (list) on a single page, he flips through the pages and every page has one excuse. On the first page: The sun shined today... Second Page: A baby’s laugh... Third Page: This girl at work likes me... Fourth Page: My daughter called... Finally, on the fifth blank page, he writes...  call of a songbird. Also, before the bird starts to sing, for a moment he should go for the gun. Great job with the writing, dude!

I’d actually thought of the pages flipping in the breeze, but I went with it as is. Otherwise, I’m glad it worked for you. Thanks for reading!

Quoted from LC I think the story would work really well as a micro-short, Steve. I just think the desired effect should be to make us care about Don, just a teeny bit more by giving us a couple more emotive things on that list. Hey, I could be wrong. See what others think. :) P.S. It came to you yesterday? SS Don sure is posting fast.

You’re not wrong. I struggled to try and think of things to put on the list, and I totally get your point.

And Don (SS Don) is the man!

Howdy stranger, good to see you back.

For a one pager, you did a good job setting up everything. Truth be told, nothing I can really point out to critique. After Libby's feedback... I'd feel like Salieri following Mozart. :)

Nice one.-A

Nice one-pager about solitude and depression(which I think the protagonist is suffering from). A nice setting of the surroundings and how the protagonist sees it.

Good luck.

Andrea and Yuvraj —

Thanks for reading. The protagonist could be suffering from many things, but only the fact he is considering offing himself is front and center. Solitude and depression are certainly in the mix. I guess you can be unhappy or depressed without suffering from clinical depression, which is pretty bad. Anyway, I don’t mind happy endings.

Steve

Well written - poignant. Something that makes one think - kudos.

I wanted more. Not quite sure how to say this - but to me, it read a really solid last page to a story.  
A story I wanted to know a little more about. Who is this dude? How did he get to this state - etc.

I know that is not your intent - so the comment may be unfair - but consider it a compliment whenever someone says they want more.  

Quoted from eldave1 Well written - poignant. Something that makes one think - kudos. I wanted more. Not quite sure how to say this - but to me, it read a really solid last page to a story.   A story I wanted to know a little more about. Who is this dude? How did he get to this state - etc. I know that is not your intent - so the comment may be unfair - but consider it a compliment whenever someone says they want more.

Very fair, Dave.

At the end of almost every short, everyone wants more.  ;D

(I should mention; I meant this only as a joke.)

Quoted from Yuvraj Very fair, Dave. At the end of almost every short, everyone wants more.  ;D (I should mention; I meant this only as a joke.)

Well said:)

Quoted from eldave1 Well written - poignant. Something that makes one think - kudos. I wanted more. Not quite sure how to say this - but to me, it read a really solid last page to a story.   A story I wanted to know a little more about. Who is this dude? How did he get to this state - etc. I know that is not your intent - so the comment may be unfair - but consider it a compliment whenever someone says they want more.

Thanks, Dave. Appreciate it. Now that u mention it, it does kind of read like the last page of a story. Maybe I’ll approach more of my shorts like that.

Quoted from SAC Thanks, Dave. Appreciate it. Now that u mention it, it does kind of read like the last page of a story. Maybe I’ll approach more of my shorts like that.

My pleasure

Steven,

I've never tried my hand at a  one pager but I've seen some people have success with them. I liked the story here more than the writing. I think there's a few clunky lines that just don't roll off the tongue well, but I got what you're going for visually. I think this would make a powerful little film if shot properly.

James

Thanks for reading, James. A few clunky lines for sure as this is pretty much a first draft that went right to SS, but I’m glad it worked for you otherwise.

Steve