Jeremy's Date by Bryce Smink - Short, Horror - An attractive teenage boy, Jeremy, has a date tonight! But after getting to know him a bit, we find out that the date is going to be a whole lot more sinister. 5 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Not bad for a five pager. I like the nod to Swiss Army Man. Although, I was not a fan of the film myself.

I don't get why you don't show the poster early on. We already know she's dead so the missing poster at the end is not a big reveal to the audience. What would be a big reveal is whether or not Jeremy killed her. Or did he just happen to find her body and not tell anyone?

Either way I enjoyed it, I just think it could use more of a punch at the end.


James

Well, I don't know why it is in a comedy section. What's funny about it?

Keeping that aside, it is a nice one to read. Not surprising as such but terrifying not comedy, at least for me.

Good luck.

Just read Michael's review on the SS Blog page.
And, read the script.

Wow, Bryce, you're a junior in High School?
Impressive stuff.

Few typos. I won't dissect the rest at this point.  ;D Dissect seems to be an apt word, considering.the tone of the script.

This Typo stuck out so I'll include it.

Jeremy spray colloun
Jeremy sprays cologne

A dark macabre story with some great black humour.
I hope it gets picked up. Would definitely be a good horror to produce.

Speaking of Horror I hope you don't mind if I move this to Short Horror. You're more likely for it to get noticed there by horror aficionados.

Great job. Good luck with it.
Hope to see more of you. :)

Fun short horror read. LC (previous commenter) called out the one misspelling (cologne) I saw.

** SPOILERS **

JEREMY
No, she is a real... Breathing girl
that I've know for quite awhile now.

Jeremy stating that she's "Breathing" ... this is different from what we eventually find out. I don't know if it is a big deal, but to me it seems like a continuity issue. I wonder if you could find a different way to describe her with out making it out that she's still alive. Maybe something like "No, she is a real ... drop-dead gorgeous girl..."  

Well done!

Hi Bryce

That was great. It seemed like a perfect example of showing the inner workings of a character through their behavior. As I was reading I was thinking,, wow he's got issues, I bet he's got a good story as to why he's like this. My mind was working double time while I was reading this, so great job! He is a rich character, plus his sweetness made me like him, another good thing.

With the Breathing comment in the dialogue, I understand it to be showing us how much denial he is in about her being dead.

I think the vagueness of the poster at the beginning works fine.

Good job, it needs to be picked up.

Gross... kissing a dead chick and most like'ly doing leg-over with her. But, the sickest of all, is that there are wacks that really do this! And you, Bryce, portrayed - wrote it very well. Well done.    

I'd love to see this get picked up (you can check out my review of the script here -- https://www.simplyscripts.com/2020/10/05/jeremys-date-by-bryce-smink-short-script-review-available-for-production/

Bryce has a very bright future -- I believe he's only 16. Would love to see him participate on the boards.

-- Michael

So, been chatting back and forth with the young writer of this script (still can't get over the fact that he's still in fucking high school)... and this script actually has been produced! Not only that, but the film will be screening at SXSW in March!

If I were a sophomore in high school and had my first short film produced and screened at SXSW, I'd feel like the fucking homecoming king. Super happy for this kid! Hopefully, when he finds some time in between homework and other high school shit, he'll start showing up on the boards soon. Bright future ahead for him.

-- Michael

Thrilled to hear this.
Congrats, Bryce!

Congrats, Bryce!! Can’t wait to hear the screening’s enthralling response!

Thanks for the feedback everyone! Glad you all liked the script. I would never in a million years think that anybody besides me would actually read it, let alone enjoy it apparently :)

I find all of your responses, notes, and feedback very inspiring and I'll definitely be posting more in the time to come. So yeah, glad to be here  ;D  

Quoted from BryceS Thanks for the feedback everyone! Glad you all liked the script. I would never in a million years think that anybody besides me would actually read it, let alone enjoy it apparently :) I find all of your responses, notes, and feedback very inspiring and I'll definitely be posting more in the time to come. So yeah, glad to be here  ;D

Welcome, Bryce. And congrats on the short production.