An Angel in a bar. by Barry John Terblanche - Short, Drama - A man that can see both Heavens and Devils Angels. Is paid a visit in a bar by both, for a sin he has NOT YET committed. 3 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Damn, Barry! You always come up with something bizarre(in a good way) to read.


The story is nice and the writing is pretty decent. But again, why do you bold your characters? I find it distracting.

Quoted Text He feels the presents of a spirit by his side.

PRESENCE not PRESENTS.


Other than this, all good from my side. A nice short can be wonderfully made from this.


Good luck.

Yuvraj. Thanks for the read and nice comment - glad you enjoyed it.

Quoted from BarryJohn Yuvraj. Thanks for the read and nice comment - glad you enjoyed it.

No probs.

Thanks for posting Don

Hi Barry

This part is visually confusing.

Quoted Text A bewildered look overcomes Mike. He feels the presents of a spirit by his side. He turns his head to look, we see nothing - he does, an ANGEL of HEAVEN.

First of all, we can't see what he feels - secondly, if we see nothing, how do we know what he sees? are we supposed to see the Angels at any point during this script? because after telling us we see nothing, you never tell us that we actually see them.

you don't use ellipses (...) correctly - you should look up their proper use.

As to the story itself, It wasn't for me - It seemed a bit of a simplistic view of sins/heaven/hell...

Quoted Text HEAVENS ANGEL You shot an innocent man! You going to hell.

...when you could have explored it more deeply, even in 3 pages. Overall, not very satisfying.

There are a lot of silly typos in here which should really be found before putting it out there.

I would give this another go over if I was you.

Best of luck to you

Quoted from Don An Angel in a bar. by Barry John Terblanche - Short, Drama - A man that can see both Heavens and Devils Angels. Is paid a visit in a bar by both, for a sin he has NOT YET committed. 3 pages - pdf format Writer interested in feedback on this work

On the logline:

It's Heaven's - not Heavens

It's Hell's - not Hells.

You should not start a new sentence at "Is:.

Matthew, Eldave, thanks for the read and comments

Quoted Text First of all, we can't see what he feels - secondly, if we see nothing, how do we know what he sees? are we supposed to see the Angels at any point during this script? because after telling us we see nothing, you never tell us that we actually see them.

We don't actually see them - only he does.

Quoted from BarryJohn We don't actually see them - only he does.

If that is the case then any reference to their movements or appearance is null and void

"The Angel just stares at him in silence."
"The Heavens Angel walks over to kneel over the dead man."
"The Devils Angel swoops his large black wings over him, as we"

All of the above is pointless as we don't see any of it

if we can't see the angels, can we hear them? If no, then their dialogue is pointless - if we do hear them, then you should probably use V.O since a filmmaker would probably have to use a voice over since no actor will be in the scene to play them.

But then that begs the question, why can we hear them and not see them? Imagine watching this, the most visually interesting characters are invisible.

We just see a man talking to himself, then attack a man with a gun and lie there bleeding - your ending of swooping black wings over his body won't actually be seen.

Seriously, rethink this one.

In writing this script, I had to deliver to both READER and PRODUCER.
- It reads well in the sense of self visual ~ from a readers point of view he/she will see the angels.
- From a production point of view ~ they will know how to film it.    

Quoted from BarryJohn In writing this script, I had to deliver to both READER and PRODUCER. - It reads well in the sense of self visual ~ from a readers point of view he/she will see the angels. - From a production point of view ~ they will know how to film it.

That makes zero sense, Barry - but whatever, it's your script

Thank you all for your read and comments. The script has been optioned.

For production consideration - No comments required

Congrats, Barry. Hope to see it soon.

Congrats

Thanks Yuvraz and Eldave!

I quite liked it. I do get what Mathew is saying but got it anyway and could see how it could be filmed.
I suppose we could have had the barman look at Mike as he is talking to "Himself" and just shake his head thinking Mike is drunk.

If it gets made itl'll be good to see how it turns out.