…For Dummies by Dr. Steven Brule - Short, Rom Com - A couple planning a special evening for their anniversary have exactly one hour until their guest of honor arrives.

Prompt used: "You have exactly one hour."  - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Spot on with the parameters.
The use of the ticking clock was great.
The unseen though very present third variable created tension throughout.
All in one location.
You ticked all the boxes.

SPOILERS AHEAD:


You had me right up to page nine! And then things took a decidely dark turn into sinister territory. Nothing wrong with that per se... I assume you went with a shocking twist (after leading your reader up a pretty predictable path) because you didn't want it to be linear or boring, but imho RomCom this is not. More dark comedy imh.

I don't know what I thought was going to happen with your denouement, but it wasn't what did happen. Maybe if you add another line of dialogue for David at the end and he says he bought his own wine? Btw, should that be an O.S. instead of V.O.?

I think this is a case of : a twist isn't really necessary. The couple's dialogue is terrific, seamless, and natural. No hiccups for me. Some great humour and banter throughout. I just wasn't into the ending which sorta faded off for me, and I'm wondering if it was your intention to go this route from the get-go. I just loved the couple's awkwardness.

I could see this filmed as a dark comedy, though I'm just not convinced the ending packs the punch the rest of the script so richly deserves - dramatically or comedically.

Great work here despite a few qualms on my part.

This was good but it didn't particularly stand out for me. Much of the dialogue is spent rehearsing for Mark's arrival. I'll admit that did keep my interest going. I thought they were just going to start having sex and cancel Mark altogether, but you surprised me with the sinister motives.  Having a successful twist doesn't always make it better, though. I started to lose interest once we wandered into serial killer territory because it became too fantastical to me. This was their anniversary present?  I did like the set up,  a nervous couple about to have their first threesome. There's a hundred different ways you could end this. Just not sure you chose the right one.

As Libby stated, it doesn't really hit that RomCom vibe.

James

Quoted Text INT. LIVING ROOM - SUBURBAN HOUSE – NIGHT

A real nitty point – but in headers it should go from general location to a specific location. i.e., the above should be:

INT.  SUBURBAN HOUSE – LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Quoted Text DOREEN (late thirties), wearing a nice dress, sits on the sofa with her same-aged husband DAVID, who is also dressed nice.

“Dressed nice” and “also dressed nice.” – not very vivid – give us some pop here (cocktail dress as an example).

Liked the binary people discussion – made me smile.

Reading on I am enjoying the banter – I like these people.

Here:

Quoted Text DAVID That seems difficult. DOREEN No, they’re not real buttons. You just pull. DAVID Got it. Then we go to the bedroom...

Think you missed an opportunity for some humor – David’s “difficult” should not have been referring to the buttons.

Okay – done.  On the plus side this was an easy read with some snappy dialogue that met the parameters and that is a lot to accomplish in the short time.

Did not like the ending. Really, really thought it was the wrong direction – sure, you can have a twist but IMO it needs to be a comedic one.  

The story is nice and all with some snappy dialogs(as Dave said) but I don't think that it's Rom-Com. I didn't get the Rom-Com vibes at least. For like the first 8 pages, it has a Rom-Com set-up, you know assuming that all the three are gonna hit the bed, but then the ending changes this completely. The tone completely shifts towards a horror/creepy.

Anyways, good luck.

A little dark humor here.  I thought it was gonna be to predictable especially with the slow start.
I actually enjoyed the twist it took and if you wanted to keep it comedy, have Mark appear as a 7 foot drag Queen at the end :D

Overall a good entry

I really liked this. The ticking clock was great, adding anticipation, especially as everything unfolded. The dialog was....KILLER! It slowly revealed their relationship, their character and never felt expositional. Great job.

But...this was not a rom/com. It just wasn't, but the writing and dialog were excellent.

I thought this was excellent!

Great dialogue exchange and build-up, and the twist at the end was dark and awesome. Not everyone will like that twist, obviously, but I thought it was well played.

I like the use of some of the more "modern" formatting techniques, i.e. bold slugs, use of italics and bold in dialogue, "text on screen" as opposed to "super." I think everyone may have an opinion on that and while I don't tend to use those aspects in my own scripts, I like what they bring to the table.

Overall, a solid entry. Good job!

Greg

Enjoyed the "Eating Raoul" vibe to this.

One gripe about the the time-keeping: "58 minutes until Mark arrives," etc. Thought it would be better if just left at "58 minutes," or "58 minutes left" and so on.

Dialog was funny. Some went on for too long and could have been cut down by some pages, but overall witty and felt realistic.

Saw where this was going on page 4 with the wine is important comment, but then immediately saw the large logic issue... namely they've arranged everything via a dating app and are about to kill Mark in their own home (no one cares about rings on wood unless it's their home)... they'll be caught very quickly.

So unfortunately the premise for this didn't really work for me.

Which is a shame as there is a lot of this that I liked and I think it could work with some tweaking outside of the challenge.

Decent effort.

Congrats on completing the challenge.

This was a good funny read. Enjoyed the journey to the twist. But I doubt there’s any dummies book pertaining to that though. Lol. Maybe find another way of inserting that part in. I don’t want to reveal too much.

Gabe

I liked just about everything in this script. Good characters, the dialogue was fun and flowed well, and the countdown was very well done. The only thing that might be improved is the action where Doreen mimes whacking the yet-to-arrive Mark with a baton. First, a baseball bat works much better for this sort of thing; and second, it would more dramatic if she whacked the real Mark.

I'm not in the challenge, but I am reading a few.

I enjoyed this one. Well done.

Could you do this without the twist... yes. That would work. Might even be stronger. But, it works as it sits, too.

Good job!

I enjoyed this a lot. Loved the twist. Sure it isn't a rom-com but it was a lot of fun and will make a great short.

Great entry, well done.

-Mark

Great dialogue, snappy and realistic. Excellent usage of the "ticking clock."

I guessed "the twist," but that doesn't take away from my enjoyment, good stuff!

Good job. Loved the twist (more like a slow reveal). The banter was fairly natural and felt real. A bit of clean up and it'll make for a fun short film.

Met all the OWC requirements - no complaints.

Nicely done, writer!

Hi,

I liked the story and the tension builds slowly, the back and forth is ok but seems a bit stilted at times, sparkling at others.

What I don't understand is why a couple would suddenly turn to homicide as a birthday present, although truth be told I didn't guess that would be the ending, it took me by surprise so well done on blind siding me with that one.

Well done.

I liked this one a lot. The quirky awkwardness of the couple does a good job of putting the audience off balance for the twist, and even if telegraphed a bit the twist is effective. The logic is a little questionable, but I'm not really expecting this particular couple to get away with murder, and that seems like part of the joke to me. This bored couple has found an exciting new hobby, and they're rubbish at it. I don't need to see how badly it goes, just watching the genesis of it is enough for me.

Well done, it works for me.

I liked it overall, nice dialog. And it's a very funny premise.
I didn't like the book reveal. Think it would be more sophisticated plot without it, the book really simplifies it and makes it sorta usual.
Maybe Mike (or was it Mark - I read it a while ago) could turn up to be a woman or something. You could change the name to something that could belong to both man and woman, like Frankie. And the person turns out to be Franky. Just an idea, don't get mad. it's a very good script nontheles.

Very entertaining dialog in this one. Granted, I wouldn't have done the sinister twist like you did, but solid script overall.

Thanks everyone for the comments and feedback.

I wrote this in an hour or two after I read the challenged and yes, as LC noticed, the "twist" wasn't planned. Hopefully if I had been bothered to do a rewrite it wouldn't have been to transparent :p

A cinematographer has (very vaguely) optioned this for his first directorial short. Thanks Michael for the front page shoutout! And to Shootin the Shorts on SR

Congratulations, Ben.

Quoted from AlsoBen A cinematographer has (very vaguely) optioned this for his first directorial short. Thanks Michael for the front page shoutout! And to Shootin the Shorts on SR

That's awesome! Though I'm not sure what you mean by "vaguely" lol...

Nice work, Ben, it was a fine script, really enjoyed it.

-- Michael

“Vaguely” - He wants me to rewrite it for a British audience first (?). So it’s not an option yet, and he has no procured shorts under his belt (I think he’s been a DP on commercials before)