No Good Deed by John Staats (JEStaats) writing as A True Man's Capote - Short, Drama, Film Noir - A good Samaritan attempts to diffuse a bad situation, only to light the fuse to another. 6 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Nice little noir piece. Very well-written.

Would have been cool if we followed James into the room, seeing a bloody mess and then walking over to the window.

Really liked this one.

What's up, True Man's Capote?

I liked this. Things took an unexpected turn when the meat cleaver made an appearance, so I totally didn't see that coming. The dialogue exchange was solid but the descriptions at times kind of left me lost. I had to read a few passages multiple times to ensure I was facing the right direction and could visualize what was going on. Fortunately, this OWC was focused on dialogue, so that was good. Also really enjoyed the opening and closing image of James and Melissa. Good touch there.

Overall, well done!

Greg

Might be helpful to have an early SUPER on the time for this one - looks like set in the 1950s?? Just to set up our expectations - anyway...

I was into it until the ax and the your married thing came out - it was just so unnecessary and derailed a nice little ride up to that point,

Long winded way of saying - find a better reason that they both end up where they did.

Very noir with a classic femme fatale. Nailed a couple prompts with this: A dead body and blood everywhere. No extra points, though. Interesting opening slug...different but okay with it. Especially how it ends.

Good banter. Short and sharp. Didn't mind the V.O. either. Gave it a '40s vibe. Film it in B&W except the red negligee and lipstick. Sin City style.

Good work, writer.

I liked this, met the criteria, well written and the dialogue felt right for the period.

Good effort.

You had me at .45 caliber nipples. Honestly laughed out loud at that and I'm sure that wasn't what you were going for. It doesn't match the tone of the story.

I didn't know who James was speaking to in his voice overs. I was expecting that reveal with an end cap voice over and never got it. So, I left this a bit confused.

The introduction of the wedding ring was clever. As well as her hiding a meat cleaver in her other hand.

It's a good entry, I just didn't understand it all.

James

Well, this was very filmic, as well should be. Lovely visuals and lovely noir style.

Great opening voice over to go with the prompt.
I'd ditch the vomit. I get the feeling James has been around the block a few times. A little blood?

He turns his head to viewer's left and stares.
Huh? Not clear on that one.

If I could say anything it's that I wanted a bit more tough-guy talk in that V.O. More Chandler-esque witticisms.

Can you call me Melissa?
How about she just says: You can call me Melissa. Or: I like the way you say my name. He says: Melissa it is then.

MELISSA
I'll make it for you sometime.
JAMES
I'd like that. Now...come to me.

The first ' I'd like that's, ok...but then a second?

How about: That'd be swell.

It could just be me but I'd like that is one of the most overused disingenuous phrases in movie and TV dialogue. I cringe when I hear it, cause really, who says that? That'd be great, maybe, even I'd love to. or: name the place and the time, I'll be there. I want to start a movement to stop that contrived saying.
Ok, I'm calm now. You can say it's just me.  :P

Also, if you going to go for it, character wise, just do it.
This line:The breeze causes the negligee to cling to her body and .45
caliber nipples. should be in Voice Over, surely.

I think you weren't quite brave enough.
Give us more hard-boiled, more snappy.
If she was going down, she was going to take me with her kinda thing.
I'd be looking up those Chandler quotes and bending them to my will, or at least use them for inspiration.

“She lowered her lashes until they almost cuddled her cheeks and slowly raised them again, like a theatre curtain. I was to get to know that trick. That was supposed to make me roll over on my back with all four paws in the air.” Raymond Chandler, The Big Sleep

What dialogue you did give us was great. I just wanted more.
Loved the visual, vibrant colours, hair blowing across her face etc.
Hey, his hat falling over the edge and falling to the city pavement below might be a nice added touch??

Loved the ending. Excellent handling of what is essentially two locations but you went image instead.
After the challenge, add to this.
Very enjoyable!

I liked this, very noir but as this was a dialogue challenge I would have liked to have seen more effort to make it sound hard-boiled noir detective. Instead the dialogue is simple, straightforward. Effective and works yes, just more effort for a cool dialogue chalenge/

The story was easy to follow and enjoyable. You bend the rules a tad without breaking as you have the duo in a different location but use the 'etheral image' to get away with it. In reality, if you filmed this the final image would be them splayed like that on the sidewalk, which would work perfectly.

Good job.  

-Mark

Solid effort. James and Melissa were good characters and their dialogue was pretty natural. And the bookend scenes were a good touch. Since the story was set in noir film era, it might have been appropriate to make this into a black-and-white “film.” Then, if you wanted to introduce some color into the film, you could make the pooling blood red.

Very enjoyable short, fast paced and the dialogue was spot on.

I liked that she pulled out the meat cleaver. Nice twist as it was all going too smoothly.
I also enjoyed how you linked the start to the end an Noir fashion.

Excellent entry

Well, that's a unique opening!  Thank God we're not in another suburban house!

The writing is very confident and although I am not a "noir" type of guy, I appreciate the care and time you took to make this read how it does.

I don't think your Slug is correct, as "WINDOW", although I do get it, and you definitely don't need or want "NEW YORK CITY" in your Slug.  If it's a Flashback, set it up properly, not in the Slug, because when you change Slugs, unless you note it again, it's no longer a Flashback, but this is an entirely different discussion, but c'mon, just set up Flashbacks properly, and everything will be golden.

"JAMES POV" - JAMES' - as it's his POV.

".45 caliber nipples" - HA!  That is a classic and I may start using it.  I love .45 caliber nipples!!!!  Shit, I need to get up and walk around, as my shorts feel a little tight in front.   ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

The dialogue that follows is...well..it's not bad by any means and it seems to fit the genre you're after, but it also doesn't jump off the page at me.  Let's see where we go...

Page 4 - "Do think I'm pretty?" - missing "you"

Page 6 - 1st sentence needs some work - I think just getting rid of "on" and it's OK.

The end.  Well, I don't really get why she said she always loved him, and I actually wish she used the cleaver and either cut off her hand being held or his hand holding her, and yet he still falls out the window...after we think he's going to be safe.

I like it...I have to admit, I actually like it.  Dialogue isn't so fantastic, but it works pretty much exactly like I think you wanted it to, and that's a good thing.

Good job.

Ah, this was very nice. I like the fact it's not your usual romcom yet there's romance in that.
It's very clever in terms of idea, dialog, characterizations, plot twists and everything else. It grabbed me, kept me on my toes and left me very satisfied with the ending.
Great job!

Hi,

Short, neat and compelling. Wonderful visuals but a little more clarity at the end would have been better, well for me at least.

Well done.

Nice noir piece and love that you paid homage to Lauren BACALL...not Becall. LOL. Totally felt like a Bogie/Bacall film.

I was a bit confused by the end. And you went outside the apartment to the sidewalk which is 2 locations.

The dialog was good and fit the noir vibe, but if you decide to work on this some more I would try to add some memorable lines in there. The way it is, is good...but not killer. Just needs a bit more zing.

I liked this though. Good writing and very cool vibe. Nice work.

This is a cool old-school script. I like the full-circle structure.

The back and forth about Missy vs. Melissa was effective and realistic. Great opening line, too.

Not sure why his wedding ring would set her off so much, especially if he was trying to talk her down from the ledge. I guess she wasn't completely stable.

Extra points for the description of 45 caliber nipples.

Very nice. I found this very film-noir. Dialog was spot-on as well.

Thanks so much to LC for the fantastic review on the home page! This was originally 'The Night Siren' but changed the title when I finally got around to revisit and revise (very minor changes within). I love the new title.