Clean Slate by Also Blank - Short, Drama - Two brothers catch-up after one of them goes to rehab.

Prompt: It's a dead end. What now? - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

This was well written. The exchange between the brothers was very natural. Loved the drama and then the shocking ending.

Great job, writer!

Large block of writing for the Established shot starting off isn't easy on the eyes. Break it up including other action scenes.

Besides a nice brotherly 'love' interaction. The dialogue back and forth was pretty good.
The older brother obviously feeling somewhat responsible and being the mature brother made for a strange ending.  
I feel like you rushed the ending just to get some sort of twist as it didn't really fall into the older brother's persona.

Overall a decent entry

Good job on entering the OWC

Problems out of the gate:

No need for ESTABLISHING SHOT in your header – get rid of that.

The opening descriptive block is 11 lines long – way too dense – break that up into bit sized chunks.

It’s also chaotic – first the car – then the building – then back to the car – etc. Just start with the setting (the building and the seedy area) and then have the car pull up. It would read clearer.

Quoted Text MIKEY 90 days.

A nit – but spell out your numbers in dialogue (ninety)

On page 4 you start inserting unnecessary “ – “ in the beginning and end of your dialogue.

Thought the dialogue was pretty good.

Mulling over the dead-end aspect of it – it really was not central to the story at all.  

Perhaps a newer writer here? As noted by others, that opening block is a big turn-off when starting a new read (anytime but especially right out of the gate). It can easily be broken up. Some unfilmables in there as well.

Dialogue is good but a tad overwritten in places. Shorter and sharper would help immensely.

The dead end plays a part but it's more the concrete blocks than anything. He could have just gone down a dead end alley and slammed into a wall.

That said, it's a good read. It'll be much better with an easy edit. Good work, writer.

I liked this. The dialogue between the brothers was realistic, heartfelt. I felt like Rob's move at the end must've been premeditated which makes it a bit sinister for his character. Still, I get why he did it.

It's the writing here that could use some work. Watch those huge blocks of action and dialogue. Break it up a little bit. Seemed to meet most of the challenge criteria in my book. Good work overall.

James

Dead end, what now? Not exactly what I envisioned. Definitely a dead end at the end, and metaphorically too.

partially defenestrated?
This is film writing so a visual of a body thrown (even half-way) through a windscreen - my advice, go for the graphic visual via your description rather than throw in a big word.

You met the parameters - two characters, confined location. I didn't see a third variable affecting the dialogue but that was optional.

Dialogue a bit hit and miss for me. Happy to give examples later if you so desire. I can see the value of big brother addressing him as Mikey to denote affection, and in a patronising manner at times, but there were just a few too many instances imho.  In dialogue exchanges people seldom use first names that frequently in address with people they know well, but like I said, do when stressing a point in a certain way.

I won't repeat feedback already given re some format issues.

Storywise I had a hard time believing Mikey would expose the fact he had drugs, let alone want his brother to stash them. I also had a hard time believing he'd risk his own life with the crash, perhaps a reference to a seat-belt not being used might help? Anyway, it's still possible - horses for courses.

You set the scene atmospherically very nicely with this. Great vibe. Took me back to some of Edward Burns, Brothers McMullen stuff.

Definitely didn't mind this.

I found you leaned on the conflict of Mikey not being really rehabilitated vs. his brother's support of him. What I mean - it came up too easily and should have been in the subtext a bit more. Mikey straight up handing him drugs to hide from Mum is a bit too OTN

I liked the nature of the conflict though.

The outcome is just a bit much and I don't know how well you've used the premise here, but it still fits the competition.

Whoa, right off the bat, cut that giant chunk of description up. It reads well enough, but that's an intimidating sight.

This was a good read! Felt like a scene out of something bigger but it works as is in a contained short. You really managed to create emotion here between the two brothers and I felt sorry for both of them. The fact that you were able to generate that sort of response to both is impressive.

The dialogue was good, but I kept thinking in my head that these two should be more wiseguy-ish. Not too much, but some. Just a thought.

Overall, nice job!

People have already mentioned the large opening block, but it also has a lot of unnecessary capitalisation, none of it is really needed apart from MIKEY.

There's some good individual lines in here but I just didn't buy their relationship, not sure why really so that's on me.

Overall decent and I liked the twist... I know the physical dead end wasn't there until the last scene, but I think Mikey and Rob were both in their own dead ends throughout.

Congrats on completing the challenge.

I’m guessing the large blocks of action/description was to keep the story within the page limit. I’ll let it slide.

The dialogue was good.

The ending is a bit abrupt. I would advise finding another way of doing it that’s safer for Rob.  
Gabe

Ending Mikey’s life was a little harsh, but the guy was just an oxygen-sucking loser. Oxygen that could be better utilized by someone, or something, else. The death will be on Rob’s conscience forever, but at least Ma can stop worrying about Mikey now that he’s dead. Good characters and dialogue, but maybe Rob should rethink the “accident.” He could’ve been killed or horribly injured, himself, and that wouldn’t have done Ma any good.

Oh I really enjoyed this. Excellent writing. Not just the dialog but from the first action lines. This is how scripts should be written.

The story was good and simple. As it went on, I cared less and less for Mikey, sorry to say. Not enough to cheer for his death, but not all that disappointed either.

What impressed me most was the construction of the script. Descriptions and dialog were top notch. Really great job.

Reads a little rushed and/or a sense that this maybe is a new writer with screenplays so I won't repeat what others have stated.

Met the criteria and was easy to read, you just didn't convince me that Mickey deserved to be killed. Addiction is a disease and it's not black and white. It's complicated. Sure, he deserved to be abandoned to reach his own rock bottom, but murdered?

I also didn't buy that Rob is that type of guy to kill his brother. As for the method, well although he had a seatbelt on there was not guarantee Mickey would die and he wouldn't kill himself in the process.

Very decent effort for sure,  didn't quite work for me storywise.

-Mark

Hi,

A cautionary tale of pissing off your older brother, my siblings should read this and take note.
Good dialogue between the brothers, felt natural and clearly defined characters made it easy to follow.

The ending was a bit sudden but felt sterile, perhaps be a bit more descriptive with the death.

Well done.

Interesting take on the prompt. I like the dark ending. I like the whole idea. The dialog was just okay for me. It had it's good moments but maybe was too much after a while. But I did really like the idea.

The writing is a bit dense though. Your action lines need a lot of work. They need to be broken up and trimmed. Page one was rough.  The introduction of Rob...how are you going to convey all of that on screen? We're going to just know by watching that scene that he should of been a cop? And we're going to know that car is Rob's style?  Your descriptions have to be something we can see.

Rob says Mikey's name WAY TOO MUCH. When you're talking to someone, how often to you actually say their name in conversation? Probably none.

So for me, story idea was good but needed better execution in several departments.

Really need to break up that first action block.

Definitely needs some work as far as the writing goes, or at the very least a good edit.

That said the story was quite enjoyable and met the requirements of the challenge, pretty decent dialogue as well.

Not bad.

Thanks for the input everyone! I had a lot of fun with the challenge~

I went for a lot of figurative language in this script.
The title, "Clean Slate" is a reference to a fresh start as well as being a slab of rock; rock bottom, the childhood rock story, etc.
The characters were dealing with their own dead-ends along with the literal one.
Mikey says, "you're killing me." perhaps too OTN, but inspired by a Sopranos episode.
Another OTN one was Rob wanting to take Church st. (real streets, of course)


Addressing Feedback:

Fais - Thank you

irish eyes - Thank you, all of it was rushed, I wish I could have expanded more, but I wrote it on the last day.

Dave - Thank you, edited down the opener.
I imagined the characters at figurative "dead-ends" on top of the literal one at the end.

JE - Yes, newer writer, thank you.

jwent - Thank you

LC - Thank you
Added some visuals.
I noticed in The Sopranos that they say each other's names a lot when having a heart-to-heart and went for that kind of vibe, may have overdone it.

Ben - Thank you

Greg - Thank you, was going for a little "wise-guy" with Rob.

Anthony - Thank you

Gabe - Thank you

Spqr - Thank you

Arundel - Thank you

Mark - Thank you
I did worry about the black or white addiction issue.
I wanted it to seem like Mikey was a spoiled brat and this was his new thing.
I added some dialogue to reflect that.

Geezis - Haha. Thank you

Marnie - Thank you
I added the cop and style lines for imagination/casting/costume purposes.
I've always enjoyed lines like:
"He probably doesn't work with his hands" or "...that's how he likes it."
Maybe just my own personal preference. (too much Vince Gilligan)

Warren - Thank you

Thanks again, looking forward to the next one~