Huberis by Mark Renshaw (markrenshaw) writing as Mean Muddy Funster - Short, Drama - A quirky uber driver takes a crime lord on a ride he'd rather forget.
Prompt: I just make up these rules, I have no control over them. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hi Mean Muddy,

Does it fit the challenge?

Yes - two speaking roles, one location, and it seems to fit an interpretation of the prompt.

Did I like it?

It has a nice punchline at the end and the writing is confident and assured. Marcus has an "inconsistent" voice - his character introduction (really nicely written btw) establishes him as a man of few strongly-spoken words, and his first bunch of lines are like that. He sort makes a switch to a Pulp-Fiction-esque poetic gangster character at some point. Same thing with the driver - at times he is a meek, dotty old man and other times he's more forceful in his language. The back and forth is really nice but it could do with some more consistency.

Also - I think you mean "hubris" for the title, the definition of which fits the story.

Overall - I enjoyed reading this and it's certainly a nice read with the back and forth.

This was pretty good. The ending punch line was worth the read. Some of this dialogue just seems out of place to me. Marcus talks like a preacher but sure doesn't act like one. Beezlebub's ballsack?  Never heard that one before. Credit for originality.

It seems to meet most of the criteria and it's a solid use of your third variable.

James

Piece of dialogue seems out of place for your set-up. He just slipped into the car. Needed just a bit more first. It needs to build a bit at first - Hope that makes sense.

The dialogue is way too over the top for my taste. It sounds like speech making rather than talking.

Meets the parameters, IMO – good on that.

Huberis: yeah, I get it.

Dialogue was okay. Thing is, Marcus would have gotten out of the Uber way early in this short. He wouldn't put up with a non-obliging driver. Not that type of guy.

Your logline needs attention. It doesn't read right (maybe self-importance?) and is too long for my taste.

Good job, writer. Fun read.

Liked this, the dialogue flowed and I got a good sense of both characters, especially the driver who felt more fleshed out.

I did think he'd have pulled the gun earlier, but hey it's a challenge!

The end, hmm it's a good line but felt like maybe you weren't sure how to end it?

Decent effort

Parameters met.

Uber/Hubris, ok, cool.

I actually think the Driver could have spelled out the prompt in dialogue, even if paraphrased: Hey buddy, I don't make up the rules, I just drive...

The third variable - a third character in this case, creates your punchline effectively, and I liked it.

Your start was a bit discombobulating. At first it wasn't obvious to me that Marcus just hopped into the car, 'slides into the rear' just read a bit awkwardly. I also think you needed a CAR - MOVING slug after that to get the visual of pulling out onto the road more visual.

In terms of character imho you're going overboard with the dialogue - e.g., less is more, as far as contrasting the two characters and having what they say more meaningful and impactful.

This has a Collateral/Pulp Fiction vibe but we need evidence your bad guy really is one, and not just talking the talk. Perhaps if he wipes blood from his face when he first hops into the car (Driver notices) then he smoothes his suit, straightens his tie or his shades.

Great start with this dialogue:

This:
MARCUS I  don’t  give  a  damn  what  your  so called  navigation  system  tells  you. Take  the  highway  and  come  off  at the  turnpike.  Then  go  via  Lexington till  you  reach  Main.  Flip  on  West Ninety-Five  to  avoid  the  early  rat rumble.

It's well constructed dialogue. It flows nicely with believable jargon. Straight off we know Marcus is a smartarse and a control freak.

But then:
DRIVER I  made  a  decision  when  I  went  into this  line  of  business  not  to deviate  a  gnat’s  penis  from  the prescribed  route.  And  you  know what?  The  ride  may  sometimes  be interesting,  downright  cuckoo  on occasion,  but  I  always  get  to  the destination  in  one  piece.

- That just sounded too contrived to my ear and both these guys are talkers? It's like they end up in a one-upmanship contest with who can spit out the most smart-arse lines.

I'd contrast with the driver having less to say - perhaps he doesn't understand English that well (a little clichéd perhaps) but it would add to Marcus being driven a little nuts cause his words and intimidation are not having the desired effect. Make Marcus the pain in the arse by all means and have a smart mouth on him but the Driver as antagonist talks way to much and I found his dialogue a little unnatural. Give Diver a name as well?

I would have used the SatNav a bit more too - the visual is a good third variable, but at some point a 'robotic voice' with three lines at just the right moments might have added another level of antagonism for Marcus perhaps?

I’m  the shadow  in  the  mirror,  the  one  who brings  the  night. I’m  the  cold  that  creeps  up  your spine,  the  one  Verging on graphic novel dialogue here, but memorable nonetheless.

Know when not to push it though. The goosebump instigator... Just didn't land for me. Rein it in bit or else you verge on Marcus veering into comical or parody.

Do  not  put  your  faith  in  that  false God.  Head  west,  or  by  Beelzebub’s   ballsack,  I’ll  tear  you  from  neck to  sternum.

The Beelzebub's ballsack was just a step too far for me and Marcus is threatening bodily harm?

Okay, but I needed a bit more backstory here, even in visual, (not just talk and bravado) that Marcus is indeed who he says he is. And, I needed to know why he's so desperate to make it to his destination other than impatience and boorishness. Up the stakes with another layer of ticking clock/threat perhaps to back up the big mouth.

There's a lot to like in this one, some really good dialogue - just a bit too much in parts... for me at least.

Nice ending with the drive-share booking. Made me laugh.

I don't get the Title - is it spelled wrong?

I don't get the Logline , either, and I know there are multiple mistakes in it.

So, we're off to a very poor start.

The script itself?  Sadly, I don't like it at all.  If this is supposed to read/play out as anything other than a joke/parody, it's pretty bad, as nothing here comes off remotely realistic.  If it is supposed to be a joke, it's just too over the top and not that funny.

There are some serious cringe-worthy lines and asides here, and I hope the writer was taking a big, old hairy piss.  If that's not the case, I'm not sure what to suggest, other than, "Don't write like this anymore...as in never again".

Not for me...at all.

I liked this. There was a great effort to make the dialogue snappy, and at times it succeeded, but at others it did fall short. When Marcus was going on his rant about how big and bad he is, I was struggling to believe him. A little too on-the-nose.

The concept is good. It was nice drama and also had some underlying humor to it. I think anyone who has ever used GPS can relate.

The ending, ehhhh, it was an ending. I liked the use of the ride share and Chuck getting in. And I guess it also means that the Driver (who should have a name) is going to continue following the GPS rather than Marcus's instructions. So, that's actually pretty interesting when I think twice about it.

Overall, a solid read. Nice job!

Greg

A different concept and a pretty decent script.
Met the parameters

Marcus seemed the kind of guy who would have put a bullet in the driver's head from page one... but you had to make it last.

Maybe you could have built the tension in Marcus's dialogue until the ending where he was brought back down to earth..
Good ending by the way

Good job on entering

The title’s misspelling aside, this script was very entertaining. Marcus had a lot of great lines, but they were wasted on the stubborn Driver. Marcus exhibits masterful self-control until the very end — so much so, that I begin to doubt he was as bad an ass as he made himself out to be. He finally loses it when the car stops to let Chuck in. Too bad we didn’t get to see Marcus blow the Driver away, because his blind adherence to the rules really pissed me off.

I think the title is a deliberate pun on words, as in:

H-Uber-is / Huberis / Hubris - arrogance, conceit, etc.
I could be wrong I suppose...

I liked the writing in general. Clever stuff, funny punchline.

The dialogue was too speech heavy for me. I like it when characters ramp up to monologues, but this could be personal preference.
The monologues were well-written, I was getting some Quentin Tarantino/Dan Harmon vibes. I want more from this writer.

Good stuff~

Hi,

Felt like a watered down Collateral but with confusing dialogue. I've never imagined a Willy Wonka statue made out of testicles before and now I can't get the thought of what it would look like out of my head. It was a strange line and completely derailed the image of Marcus as a tough guy.
The driver was good, liked his dialogue a lot but if you want Marcus to be the man you describe, toughen up his analogies.
Great ending by the way.

Well done.

Not been keeping up with this challenge, so I have no idea if this one fits the parameters. I think it was supposed to be focus on dialogue, so that's where I looked most. I picked this one from the bottom, which I always do.  :)

I have never used an Uber, so I have no idea how it works. Seen a few in movies though and in the beginning, it reminded me of Collateral with Tom Cruise. Passenger wants to tell driver how to get the fastest way to a place, but driver knows best. Passenger even offers more money. That's all fine. My issue with this one was the dialogue. Why? It is not true in any way to the characters that they are assigned. The driver is old and boring and has nothing of interest to say. Marcus is supposed to be some tough black guy that has tortured and killed people, yet his dialogue fits someone else completely. I'm no expert on dialogue. In fact, I suck at it, but I'll throw in some suggestions that I think would work in this script's favor. And I do think you should rewrite it, because the joke about the share ride at the end works.

I would suggest making the driver different for starters. What if he's old, but has a hearing issue or some other impediment? Or maybe he's from another country and doesn't speak English. My worst cab ride ever was in Miami and the driver was fresh off the boat from Haiti. He didn't know English and he was a horrible driver. Drove right in the middle of the road! Scary! He's old, so make him wiser. Give Marcus some sound advice of wisdom.

Marcus, IMHO, should have more of a threat in his voice. Like he means it. Right now he sounds like someone who runs his mouth because that's all he knows. Problem is the dialogue he spouts doesn't fit him. He won't even say the F**k word. Maybe he starts out being all tough and threatening like, but the driver can't understand him, so Marcus gets frustrated and has to changes his MO during the ride. Then you can add to this.

Anyway, this script has potential. Total overhaul of dialogue and this would be an easy thing to film and enjoy.  :)

I liked the idea here and some of the back and forth, but I must admit that Marcus was working on my nerves. It was just too much. The end was funny. Like I said, I did like the idea and think it has potential but needs some work. Nice job though. It was definitely entertaining.

Cheers all. It was indeed a mix of Uber and Hubris. Well done to those who figured it out.

A simple story about a guy who is used to getting his way simply because of who he is being taken down a peg or two by a quirky cabbie. I tried to tap into my inner Tarintino and had Marcus a bit like Marsellus Wallace who becomes more verbose the more irrate he gets. Some really dug it, others didn't.

It needs tweaks and thanks to the feedback, I think I know what needs to be done.

- Mark