A Very Bad Date by Rocky Custer - Short, Crime - A guy's plan to philanderize with his secretary goes awry when his wife shows up -- and then things get much worse.

Prompt: Dead person in a room. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Didn't get this one.

Did David kill that woman or someone else as David mentioned?

Why Emma and David both are not freaking out and behaving normal when there is a dead body around?

I read this last night before going to bed and it got some good laughs out of me.

The satirical humor of it reminded me of any number of classical comedy acts, particularly given the situation of the dead body in the room. It almost felt like the dead body was the straight man, which generated the humor between David and Emma. Some of the exchanges were very funny and even some of the visual gags were just as comical; "David looks around the room for the killer." At least, I assume that's what you were going for.

Some of the dialogue was a bit "on-the-nose" at times as well, but in general I thought this was a fun read. Nice job!

Greg

Um, hmmm...not quite sure what to think. Don't get me wrong, here. I liked your writing and just how ludicrous the whole thing was. Why didn't you pick Rom-Com as your genre? Regardless, dammit, I liked this. Great visuals and pretty decent banter between two truly wack-a-doodle characters. I want to slap both of them. Actually, I want to slap the assistant, too.

Thanks for entering.

I liked this one. It was more like comedy than crime. For that reason I enjoyed the situation and the banter between the two of them, but you might get dinged some points. It leaves a lot of unanswered questions - who really did kill her? Where do his pants go? Will his wife take him back?  I especially liked the bit about the pool boy sucking in his gut causing his drawers to drop.

Writing was pretty solid all the way around. A solid entry that skates the edge or the rules a bit.

James.

Raised a chuckle or two but I didn't really get what was going on, lost me entirely.

The was however one location, a dead person in a room and lots of dialogue between two characters.

The dialogue was snappy and realistic. Funny premise, the skirt bit was great.

Some jokes may need some punch-up, because it felt like there were a few dialogue "feedback loops" where the characters aren't really saying anything.  A few "on the nose" moments as well, like the: "...not with you as the husband." line.

"DAVID'S VOICE" - I think most people write "DAVID (O.S.)"  This happens with Emma as well.

I didn't understand the denouement, perhaps this is the opening scene to a larger story?

Overall, good stuff.

Well these were two very unlikeable characters. LOL. More of a dark comedy, I think. Crazy and over the top, which made it entertaining.

It was a bit hard to follow though, kind of all over the place. Maybe written in a rush? Still enjoyed it though. Fun entry.

Meets the requirements, although more comedy than crime. Good banter and a few laughs.

It seemed to me this was leading up to the fact that Emma killed the secretary as she doesn't react at all to the dead body and she is all about herself. But you didn't reveal who killed her at all, which was disappointing. Never leave the audience hanging. Wanting more? Yes. Hanging, no.

I found this very RomCom-ish rather than a true Crime script. Very entertaining dialog.

More romantic farce imho, than crime, even though it centred around one.

Absurdist humour - good job there.
Most of the dialogue was pretty good.
The 'pigs' line was a bit grating to my ear - felt out of place.

I'm in the camp that wants to know whodunnit? :)

Not bad you kept it all in one location and obviously set up as a dark comedy but no reveal?

It really didn't make much sense.. I thought it was a blow up.doll at first and both reactions was over the top but it's a comedy so its allowed.

So someone killed her and his pants went missing all in  few seconds... comedy is an over exaggerated drama but this is grasping at straws...

Hopefully we'll find out after the owc is over  :D

Good job on entering

The opening pages were very effective. The dialogue was sharp. Lots of wit. Good use of understatement. Great situation. I like that the guy was shaking his toothbrush at the others.

The loss of his pants and concern over canceled credit cards was where things got slightly off track. Lost pants don't feel like the true predicament here.

High marks for everything prior to that.  

This was amazingly absurd!

I mean this in a good way, considering that was what your intent was for this. It definitely had moments of ridicule laughs and was nicely written as well.

Good luck!

The is some pretty awkward writing straight off the bat.

I would change DAVID'S VOICE to DAVID (O.S.), same with EMMA'S VOICE.

The writing needs work, a fair bit of work.

This one really didn't work for me, sorry, just not my cup of tea.

Hi,

Nice interplay between David and Emma but the story confuses me.
If David was in such a hurry he could get his pants off over his trousers, how long did he take to brush his teeth that would allow a murderer to break in, kill the secretary and steal his clothes?
Had David killed her during sex and then been discovered by Emma the dynamics of the story would change and this would be a tight little thriller but to be honest I'm not sure if it was comedy you were heading for.

I liked the premise however and with a few clarifications it would be a good scene.

Well done.