Howard's Jewelry and Loan by Blank - Short, Crime - A boxer pays a visit to his loan shark after being told he has exactly one hour to settle his outstanding debt.

You have exactly one hour - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

This is one of the best entries.

From characterizations to the world-building, everything came out very well on the pages. Solid entry. Not sure if it qualifies according to the criteria. But, great piece.

There is a lot to be said for the dialogue and the predicament here. Very well crafted. I think this is a VERY talented writer. However...

IMO - it does not meet the challenge. There is nothing about "you have exactly one hour" that drives this story - it's just thrown in there.

Sorry

Great story though I'm not a big fan of the ending. For me, a good catch phrase from Howard of "What am I going to do with you" meaning the body, not the situation. The 'everybody dies in the end' is just too convenient for me. That doesn't mean I didn't like it. This is quality material and very well crafted.

I think it definitely meets the challenge and the prompt. Not thrown in at all. And, yes, I was counting Herb's lines of dialogue!

Nicely done. Thanks for entering.

Hmm, so I liked this, built well with an effective two header, good job.

But, I didn't see hour thing at all and I had to read it twice to spot it, but it feels just throwaway in the dialogue... especially as no one give the ultimatum of an hour to pay a debt - it'd be almost impossible.

And... the ending, sorry his gun whacks the desk and kills Howard, nope that just feels like a convenience too far for me.

I do however think this is well written and worth a little more work post challenge when the hour thing won;t matter at all.

I didn't see the one hour. Sorry. I'll just put that out there first.

I thoroughly enjoyed this piece. The first page needs to be trimmed, big time, but the rest was great. Loved the dialog, great tension. Interesting two characters. It had an UNCUT GEMS vibe, and I loved that movie.

So for me, you nailed the killer dialog part of the challenge, but I just didn't see or feel "You have exactly one hour"...not even a little.

Ah, man. I thought the script was great but that ending. I mean, on one hand, you had to end it, right? But the conversation definitely deserved a better send-off. I think a better opportunity could have simply been to have Herb walk in, see the blood all over the ground and you just keep the original linoleum/marble dialogue. At least, that's just my thought.

I had to go back and look at the original challenge to see what the requirements were, as I noticed several people commenting on the hour thing. I kinda feel like this one is an interesting interpretation of it because on one hand it meets the first requirement of "Select from one of the following premises or prompts below and build your 'talking heads' story around it." Marcus mentions that he comes to Howard because he was given an hour to pay the debt, so, in essence, the entire dialogue is driven by that. But, the second criteria here "Write your choice of prompt/premise under your logline. Your premise or prompt must play a vital role in your story. It cannot be just a throw-away line." I mean, yeah, I guess it was kind of a throw-away line.

I appreciate interpretation of the rules, though, since I used to do it all the time. So, one of the better entries I've read thus far.

Greg

Great dialogue. Certainly built the tension.

One of the better scripts on show.

Great job on entering

This is well done...up until the ending.

Dialogue is good throughout.  Characterization is good throughout.  Writing is pretty good, but there are mistakes throughout, and I'm not just talking about obvious typos/etc.

Does it meet the challenge?  I think it does, but I can see where others may disagree.

But, man, oh man, that ending.  ARGH!  It's kind of funny, as I was nearing the end, I thought to myself, "How's he gonna end this, and then Marcus gets killed, and I'm like, well...is that it?"  In hindsight, it should have been...with a solid last line of dialogue from Howard.

Rewrite the end and you have a very solid little dialogue heavy script that shows you're a good writer.

Solid. Howard and Marcus are good characters and their verbal exchanges was well done. Too bad Howard was too tight-fisted to hire decent muscle: the first dollar he ever earned, in the glass case, signifies his money-grubbing ways.

Solid entry, easy to read and enjoyable.

I didn't see the prompt and as every other script has managed to meet the prompt (that I've read anyway) that's quite a gap.

I'm not a fan of the ending. The cliche everyone kills each other has been done to death and Howard resorting to using a gun isn't particularly clever. The setup with the room made me think he was going to make Marcus disappear in this room. I would suggest Howard locking Marcus in the room and letting him starve to death in there.

Great effort.

-Mark

Awesome dialogue, great banter. I LOVED this one.

The ticking clock is an issue for me, this almost felt like a previously written work that was bent to meet the parameters.
This has a lot of similarities to Uncut Gems, maybe that was the goal?

Minor problems aside, the dialogue really works for me. I got Tarantino vibes.

Currently tied for my favorite, good stuff~

Great work. Liked the discussion about the elephant. Also "You make me sad, Herb." A nice, clean, effective line. The conclusion was satisfying and appropriate.

Well, at first I was like how's that Howard sent anyone to Marcus at all. But the ending cleared that up.

I don't think you need Herb at all. Was kind of in the middle of important stuff, meandering there. I don't think he plays any kind of part in this.

Very very clever dialog and funny too. And lot's of texture in dialog. This is really nice.

Hi,

Nice story with a surprising ending. Great dialogue and nice interplay between the characters.
Good descriptions of the s surroundings and the action.
Liked this a lot.

Well done.

A little ode to Uncut Gems?

Lovely dialogue, Writer. A lot for other writers to look at to see how to write effective colourful banter, along with vernacular and slang.

Funny, too.

Le Lion.  ;D

...telling  me  I have  exactly  one  hour  to  get  your money,
Right, got it. A real throw away line, but I'm guessing -

A dead body in a room would have been a Spoiler?

HERB,  40s,  bursts  into  the  room.  He’s  a  large  man  in  a  cheap suit  that  can  barely  contain  his  protruding  gut.  
Great character description.

This was a great counter line to Marcus's previous intimidation:

HOWARD No.  That’s  not  why.  When  you disappear  from  this  earth  without  a trace  everyone  on  the  street  will know  it  was  me.  Then,  my  chump  debt collectors  will  be  far  more effective.

Oh, bum. I suppose I just wanted Howard to come off unscathed.

This was really well written, terrific dialogue, some great humour too, and I loved the punchline.

So, I guess there's a reason why I have to take my kid's toys apart and put them back together again because I didn't read the directions properly the first time. I'll admit, when I wrote this I thought I was golden as far as the rules went. I mean, I even tossed in a dead body in a room and blood everywhere.

Anyway, I'm really happy with what I came up with. If I knew how to film gun play I'd even take a crack at making it. And yes, I was very much going for that Uncut Gems vibe. I really loved that film.

As for the ending, I just wanted both of their egos to get the best of them. A young hot shot tries to outwit a worldly old man - an old man waits 67 years to try and play gangsta with mall cop rejects. I thought it was fun to have everything go awry. I can see why a lot of people didn't dig it.

Thanks for the reads and comments everyone!

James