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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board  /  Review My Logline  /  Our Perfect Town - Logline Review Request
Posted by: RShwab, September 26th, 2020, 11:49am
Genre: Comedy
Logline: In a burst of progressive activism a zany California town replaces its police department with social workers and turns over City Hall to goofy professors from the local college, but after a Mexican drug gang takes over the town the elites turn to a tough New York Black Power group to restore order.

I changed the working title
Posted by: AnthonyCawood, September 26th, 2020, 1:44pm; Reply: 1
Not a bad start right there but could be shortened with some pruning...

A progressive California town replaces its police department with social workers and hands City Hall to Professors from the local college. But, after a Mexican drug cartel takes over the town, a tough Black Power gang are enlisted to restore order.

I'm guessing you used words like zany and goofy to imply it's a comedy? If so you could add these or similar back in. Also, not sure how much the bit about Professors adds to the logline itself... you could further shorten to.

A progressive California town replaces its entire police department with well meaning social workers, but, after a Mexican drug cartel takes over the town, a tough Black Power gang are enlisted to restore order.

Best...
Posted by: Lon, September 26th, 2020, 2:56pm; Reply: 2
It has all the necessary ingredients for a good log line, but as Anthony pointed out, it needs some whittling. Aim to keep it between 25-30 words (though 35 isn't out of the question).

When a Mexican gang overruns a quirky town that has replaced its police with social workers and its City Hall with college professors, the town must turn to a tough Black Power group to help restore order.

Eh, 37 words. Close enough.

Anyway. You've got the meat, you just need to trim the fat. My two cents. :)
Posted by: RShwab, September 27th, 2020, 10:50am; Reply: 3
Excellent suggestions, all.  Yes, definitely a comedy, with a young couple - the love interest - trying to navigate neighborhood, school, and town institutions.
Posted by: eldave1, September 27th, 2020, 11:29am; Reply: 4

Quoted from Lon
It has all the necessary ingredients for a good log line, but as Anthony pointed out, it needs some whittling. Aim to keep it between 25-30 words (though 35 isn't out of the question).

When a Mexican gang overruns a quirky town that has replaced its police with social workers and its City Hall with college professors, the town must turn to a tough Black Power group to help restore order.

Eh, 37 words. Close enough.

Anyway. You've got the meat, you just need to trim the fat. My two cents. :)


This is good!
Posted by: Yuvraj, September 27th, 2020, 11:43am; Reply: 5
My take: A disarrayed town overrun by a Mexican gang turns to a tough Black Power group to help restore order. 19 words. Booyah!

Might help.
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