Ahoy Macca,
Welcome to the board! Glad to have you. On to your short script...
As for story, aside from what could be a unique premise of revenge (I think), it certainly tickled my curiosity, maybe I'm misreading it, but honestly, I didn't get it. You may be new to screenwriting, but it’s far too bulky. Right now this script would sink to the bottom of the Pacific, when it should float effortlessly on the surface. Strip back the unnecessary description.
For instance, you opening sequence is dense (too much detail). It’ll flow better with shorter sentences and paragraphs - rough rule of thumb, if a paragraph is over 4 lines, look at it again and get out your trimming scissors, there's always something that can go.
Um, I had a history teacher in high school who summed the writing process up pretty well:
"Writing is like a girl's skirt. It should be long enough to cover the details, but short enough to still be interesting. ;D
Format-wise, it looks off. Make sure you know the parameters if
you're not using screenwriting software. Also, try and stay in the present tense. There's a lot of passive writing, most notably
"Belladonna walked forward... Belladonna dropped the phone on the floor then walked over to the body again... she gave the forehead a kiss then undid the..."How about saying...
Belladonna moves forward... strides...or walks... or saunters or somethin'.
Belladonna drops the cell, considers the dead man’s stunned expression, kisses his forehead.At any rate, capitalize character introductions. For future reference, here's a great post on introducing characters; .
http://johnaugust.com/archives/2007/how-to-introduce-character.
Other than that, read read read more scripts. Good ones.. bad ones... old ones... new ones... all scripts. Again, welcome to the board.:)-A