Here's yet another spec script opening for you fine people to critique. As the thread subject says, this is the opening to a spec script based on the wonderful 2002 video game Mafia. I'm primarily treating this as a writing exercise, but it could be also be useful as a way to get agent representation if that's how things work out.

Anyhow, I've written up to the point where Tommy is about to tell his story. There will probably be some OTN dialog, which has been my Achilles heel to this point.

Here it is. Enjoy (or not, whatever the case may be):
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1Ledzc-WM19qjGXvv0xzendoQgBlBKBbv/view?usp=sharing

It's not bad Mark, it does the job, reads smooth and with some nice visuals, no typos, but...

For an opening, based on Mafia-the game, (or anything Mafia related) it's way too pedestrian imho... being that you want to make an impression with the first ten. Your first ten has to pack a punch. This reads as if it could have been a more sedate scene mid-story.

There's no apparent danger for Tommy even though he has a supposedly big reputation as a tough guy and is risking life and limb to get to Norman. No-one clocked him, no-one tailed him all the way. He pulls out his revolver, no-one notices or cares.

Descriptions are too 'wardrobe' oriented.

Tommy's clothes tell me something of his character, but again telling me he's:
TOMMY ANGELO, a former mafioso. is not cutting it.

I want to read a formidable description of the guy. What's he look like? Likewise with Norman, shrewd, no nonsense - I don't get as much visual as I'd like. What do these people look like, what do their personalities exude?

Regarding the conversations with cab driver (he may as well have said nothing) and the Bartender - why do you want to know (too easy, re Norman, he's over there). So easy.

Coffee? Again, the action is a bit staid. Coffee?

Some surprises are needed, some threat, some danger, some backing up that this guy is imposing, scary, etc.

Like I said, just my opinion. The writing has no big hiccups but I'd bold that Super seeing as all your other scene headings are bolded.

Thanks for the feedback LC.

Quoted from LC He pulls out his revolver, no-one notices or cares.

As I wrote in the action description, he quietly pulls out his revolver so that no one will notice. Also he does that in a bathroom stall so that he won't be seen.

Quoted from LC There's no apparent danger for Tommy even though he has a supposedly big reputation as a tough guy and is risking life and limb to get to Norman.

Very good point, I could add that in. I don't know how familiar you are with the video game, but Tommy is the protagonist of the story. It's true that he would outwardly look like a tough guy, but on the inside he really doesn't have all of what it takes to be a mafioso. He's more or less as good a guy (or gal) as you and me.

Quoted from LC Descriptions are too 'wardrobe' oriented.

Again, a very fair point. I thought it would help people visualize the characters easier.

Quoted from LC Regarding the conversations with cab driver (he may as well have said nothing)

I thought that would help the exposition a little. Also a cab driver would normally ask the passenger where he/she wants to be taken.

Quoted from LC Coffee? Again, the action is a bit staid. Coffee?

In the cutscene at the beginning of the game, Tommy orders a coffee. I want to remain as true to the game's story as possible while also expanding it here and there.

Thanks again for the feedback.