Carlos.....
Hmm. Okay, so you're a new writer/ Got it. I see a lot of promise here. Because of that, I am going to be a bit picky.
Fix your title page - the title should be centered. Look at a couple of scripts.
Quoted Text BLACK SCREEN.
We hear the common sounds you hear in a public restaurant.
Footsteps, chatting, laughter... Outside, cars passing by... |
You really don't need the "we hear" or the "you hear." And you are missing some of the more common sounds and have included an uncommon one (cars). Something like:
The common sounds of a public restaurant. The CLINKING of forks against plates. People chatting, laughing.
The DING of a cash register.
And I don't really think you even need the "common sounds of a public restaurant." The sounds should make it obvious.
Quoted Text INT. COFFEE SHOP - AFTERNOON
A COFFEE SHOP. Somewhere in New York. On a chair, seated on
|
Don't repeat your header location in your description. We know we are in the coffee shop. And New York plays no part in the story - if you want it - just put it in the header. e.g.,
INT. BROOKLYN - COFFEE SHOP - AFTERNOON
MALCOLM (27) and REGINA (28) sit opposite each other in a booth.
You make this mistake in several of your descriptive blocks throughout the script.
Get rid of all this:
Quoted Text They seem to be a couple. However, they don't see really
happy. There's some kind of sad, uncomfortable ambience.
There's a long beat. Both are trying to think what to say. |
You are telling us - not showing us. For example - Malcolm could be mindlessly stirring some stray peas on a plate as Regina, lost on thought, stares out the window.
Whatever - the point is you need to tell us what behavior we are seeing that we would conclude there is a sadness there.
Quoted Text There's a long beat. Both are trying to think what to say. |
You really can't have a long beat if they haven't started talking yet - lose this line. Personally, I would lose all of the "beats" in action lines since you can use the space more effectively.
What reads better tone-wise ...
A long beat - or
An awkward silence....
I thought your dialogue in the coffee shop was excellent!
Quoted Text INT. BEDROOM - AFTERNOON (FLASHBACK)
On a bed, there lies Malcolm, shirtless, under the sheets.
He's staring at Regina, smiling. She's putting on a white Tshirt, seated at the edge of the bed, no wearing pants. It seems they just had sex.
|
FLASHBACK should be a header on it's one.
Write actively. Rather than On a bed there lies Malcolm. - It should be Malcolm lies on a bed...
Try to get read of the "ing" words. The above would read crisper (more active) as:
Malcolm, shirtless, lies on the bed under the sheets. He stares at a naked Regina, on the side of the bed, as she slips on a white T-shirt.
Quoted Text CAMERA DOLLIES BACK |
Get rid of all of your camera directions - not needed.
Okay - enough editing - you get the point - look for that throughout the script.
I got confused towards the end.
Quoted Text REGINA (V.O)
No one may find out we're brothers.
Society wouldn't understand. It
just attacks whoever is different.
Whoever doesn't follow the rules.
Whoever isn't normal. And this...
wouldn't be.
|
In several places you reference they are brothers. Did you mean brother and sister?????
Anyway - like I said - you have a lot of promise. I think you're very imaginative. The story needs to be clearer towards the end.