With a Shake of the Head by Author's Name - Two divers, running out of air, learn some home truths.

I Shot an Arrow into the Air - S1E15
  - Short, Drama

Hi writer,

Oh, man… morbid tale. There must have been a shit ton of resentment baggage that Judy was toting around in Sarah’s wake, and for years, to be able to go that route without a second thought.

This tale holds true regarding serious ramifications of selfish choice that the Twilight Zone encapsulated on; the players, the situation, and the serious dark twist. Works well, good story.

I really liked this one. Well written, only one typo that I spotted. And the story between mother and daughter took a morbid twist... and I love morbid. The ending reminded me of "The Mist", but what bugged me was that the mother took her daughter out without it being a mercy kill -- only to realize that they've been rescued a few moments later. Especially since her daughter had a kid and husband at home, I thought her turn was a tad sudden, not sure why exactly she decided to go full-on evil just like that.

Nevertheless, I really did like this one. Great job!

-- Michael

The mother turning suddenly against the daughter like that came to far out of left-field for me.

Apart from that, the rest of it worked fine with a classic TW style twist at the end.

A decent effort, well done.

-Mark

Writer, seems you're caught between a rock and a hard place, on one hand the mother going off like that was sudden, and on the other the page limit. Not sure what else you could have done. But I didn't have a problem with it.  Very nice work and a good read.

Ghost

Again, not too close to the original, that's fine.

The end twist is dark, but not sure it's been set up sufficiently... maybe an extra page or two would have helped to flesh out their relationship.

Decent effort.

Liked this one, though it's more in the rewrite territory. The dialogue is well written between Judy and her daughter. Could have a couple more lines that indicate their strained relationship to balance out the ending feeling like it comes out of left-field and it being a clever twist.

Good job.

I don't mind the similarity with the original at all since you wrote it so well and its the challenge, right? I would've bought into the mother offing the daughter that sudden if the whole ordeal was planned but the quick decision is hard to swallow. If it was her spouse? Yeah, you bet. Always a million reason for a thoughtless person to kill off the spouse. Sounds dark but true.


Nice work - I liked it.

Hello writer

Oh, I know a bit more about this than the others, as it's one of a few I had time to research... couldn't come up with a decent story on it myself though.

Quoted Text SARAH Did we hit something? JUDY I don't remember. SARAH Gas leak? Judy shakes her head, signs that she can't hear and, then hits a red button in front of her. The alarm stops.

This was odd, she can't hear yet she just answered her.

True to original, so much so that the ending was known from the beginning - would have been nice if it was twisted a different way, a different spin. This is another that borders on the rewrite side for me - but oh well.

No issues with the writing at all, story ended up being a bit bland for me to be honest and the mother goes from inviting daughter so they can build a relationship to cold-blooded murder very quickly... yea there are people like that out there but it makes the character feel very one-dimensional tbh.

Well done for getting one in.

Ending was sudden, but damn, it hit hard. There might be some you could trim to really fit this into six pages, since you don't really have a FADE OUT or THE END.

This is one of my favorites. Super easy to film, small budget, and with a little work, you could have a great punch of an ending. Good job.

Very similar to the TZ episode, but you managed to make it different enough. Good job on that.

Don't really have much else to say or suggest. I'm only going to say that of the ones I've read so far, the most brutal line of dialogue has been this, It's my passion, and you were just a
mistake that interfered with it. Wow!

Good job!  :)

Reading the ending of this reminded me of watching The Mist for the first time. Such a messed up ending and yet so good.

However, having a ending like that I think you should spend a little more time showing us that their relationship is a rough one. It's okay as is, but a little more wouldn't hurt either.

I liked this one, good work.

Motherly love, eh?

Suffers from restrictions of page count imho. More backstory is needed for such a ruthless move on Mum's part and justification for her decision, and for it to be a well rounded stand-alone short.

I dunno, I needed a bit more, apart from the odd expletive. Maybe if you ramped up some of the escalating fear?

Mum's got some explaining to do now...  :D

Packed a punch, and some nice work regardless.

P.S. I think the title could be more compelling too.

Stories like this need more time to develop the relationship between the characters. The relationship is very important for readers to know why someone would take such a harsh decision? That too for her own daughter.

No complains for writing. But it falls flat due to the page limit I guess.

Best of luck!

Quoted Text JUDY It is what it is. SARAH I fucking hate that expression.

I know how you feel. Less than a week to go. ;)

Quoted Text Judy reaches for her daughter, taker her hand in her own.

You mean "takes"? Judy and Sarah are mother and daughter, correct?

Quoted Text JUDY So, we both die, and Connor loses a Mom, [and] Ben [loses] his wife?

Grammar is a bit odd here.

*Spoilers*

I didn't see that (first) twist coming. I was expecting more like MacReady and Childs in Carpenter's The Thing.

And I certainly wasn't expecting that The Mist ending.

Overall, it was pretty good. The story was simple and easy to follow. Everything was nice and lean. Congrats.

I’m so fascinated by the deeps, but also so stupid… does it really take 4 hours to get to the bottom of the explorable sea? Did you make that up? Is this something I should even be concerned with? Probably not.

I’d love to watch a Twilight Zone episode set at the bottom of the ocean.
Nice little reveal with “mom.”

Few typos here and there “this in no time for suspense.”  “Judy reaches for her daughter, taker her hand in her own.”

The ending of this is gonna bum me out, I already know it from the episode inspiration.

Wtf…

Man there had to be a better way to write that ending. That didn’t feel earned. The whole script was going
well until that ending.

Sidenote – this is the 3rd of 4th script with no FADE OUT. What happened to Fade out?

Top four for me, good stuff!

Dialogue was mostly good. Couple hiccups, but no biggie.
I was expecting the ending to be about how mom and daughter have their differences, but mom selflessly sacrifices herself. Needless to say, awesome twists.

Technically, I think more time should pass between the time that Sarah stops breathing to the time that they're rescued. Even five minutes could do the trick. (EMT training told us that the brain dies around 4-6 minutes without oxygen) As it's written it seems like CPR can still be performed. Hmmm maybe that's another intended layer? Mom has a second chance to save Sarah but still chooses to shake her head? Not sure.

Thoroughly enjoyed this, good work!

Thanks for all the comments, will be tweaking this one a little.

The end, yep I agree too abrupt... six pages wasn't enough for it. I will fix in the re-write.

FADE IN and FADE OUT... I'm not wasting line on them in an OWC ;-)