There's Something Inside by Mark Renshaw (markrenshaw) writing as Rodman Edward - Short, Fantasy - A strange creature seeking shelter for the night finds itself 20,000 feet in the air on an airplane wing with one passenger inside bent on its destruction.

Nightmare at 20,000 Feet - S5E3
- pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Classic, classic episode. I loved both the William Shatner episode and the John Lithgow version from the movie. And I loved when it was parodied on The Simpsons. Very iconic.

I thought this was very clever, instead showing this from the gremlin's POV and finding out that he was only trying to fix the plane after using it as shelter. The writing was good, especially with mostly no dialogue (outside of the narrator).

Issues I had with it:

It's not exactly low budget. In Hollywood, it is. They'd only have to build a set and shoot in one location. But for an indie filmmaker doing shorts, it might be tricky putting this together.

Also, this was pretty much just a rewrite of the actual story, but from the gremlin's POV, which I thought was clever. But the challenge was supposed to be to take a premise and make it your own. This is just a TZ episode using the same characters. Especially with the narration at the end (which is Rod Serling even though it doesn't say it is) to close out the episode and tell us the lesson learned. I did think the narration was well done and delivered a cool message. But, again, this is just a rehash of the same exact episode (almost note for note from the Shatner episode) but from a different POV.

Well done, overall, though. I dug it.

-- Michael

Very cool, flipping the script to see it all from the Gremlin's point of view.  Very fluid and easy to understand what was happening the whole.  I really liked the way the tension inside the plane was depicted from the outside.  Well done.  The Serling narration at the end was spot on in tone, tenor and moral.  Overall, very well done.

Quoted Text It(s) attention firmly locked on the airplane as it grows smaller in the distance.

Wonderfully written. You took Nightmare at 20,000 feet and changed the perspective. This is no mere retelling, it's an almost entirely different story.

Excellent job.

Really enjoyed this, an interesting take on the challenge too.

Well written, nothing really to nit-pick on that either.

Good job writer

An interesting execution here.  Does it meet the challenge parameters?  Personally, I'd say it does not, but who am I to judge?

Writing isn't very good throughout and there are numerous mistakes that alter the way it reads as a whole.  For me, the writing lacks visuals, making it hard to "see" exactly what's going on.  Some actions read like a grocery list.  I'm being overly picky, maybe.

The narration at the end, although well done, shouldn't be here, as far as I could tell from the challenge.

It's short, no dialogue, and unique, and all 3 are hard to pull off, but for the most part, I think you did pull it off.

Oooo this was good!

I felt for the Gremlin, was well written and paced. Overall it was very good.

Never seen the episode, but I gather from the other comments it's about a scary Gremlin on the wing of a plane. Does this fall under criteria of "Take an idea from any Twilight Zone (or new Twilight Zone) episode and write your own story"... personally no, it's the same story from a different POV, although clever and entertaining.

All the best with it

Yeah, I liked your novel approach that the gremlin was actually just as scared and trying to do the right thing. Good job.

Since you had a closing monologue, it would be appropriate to have an opening introduction. That would've tied it up nicely.

Does this fit the challenge? I don't care - I liked it. Nice work, writer.

Great idea. It would be fun to watch this in tandem with the original. The tricky part is making the man inside into the sinister force in this story. That's tough because a gremlin on the wing of a plane is a frightening sight for anyone. Wouldn't any passenger be justified in freaking out about the creature? This script raises my sympathy for the creature, but I cannot fault the passenger.

I also didn't quite understand this line: "From the gremlin’s POV, the man’s face is all distorted. It
stretches and widens like psychedelic visual static."

You can feel good about writing something cool and interesting.

It's not really a stand-alone script as it's more of an ode to that particular episode, reversing the POV. And it would take some SFX. I'm not sure if it could be done effectively on a low budget...

Having said that, it was quite delightful to read and kudos to you for writing it.

Short, sweet, and very effective.

Hi writer,

Okay, yeah… I get it. Was the Gremlin’s POV supposed to be from the original episode? As in… watching Shatner or Lithgow lose their shit in the cabin? Lol, cool. I’d have to re-watch that episode to get the full effect you’re going for here. Probably the movie, cause it's been awhile anyway.

I mentioned over on another script that each of these episodes appears to have two stories embedded in one, and it depends entirely on what POV or angle you want to view it from. Good job here being creative, works for me.

Imagine, if you will… and with that, this is officially my final script comment for this Halloween OWC, starting… now.

I liked this. Very creative.

I liked how without going inside the plane, we still feel what's going inside.

Poor Gremlin. The ending made me sad.

Very well written. Great job!

So the original but from the creautre’s pov? Sure, why not.

Budget is supposed to be “low” but I never pay that much mind. I don’t know how much prospective short films cost.

I imagine this is playing out like the episode, but from the Gremlin’s POV and it’s a fun little “here’s my side of the story” spin? I haven’t seen it in a while, so I don’t know if the beats match.

I actually think this is gonna become a trend soon. Based on very few movies or scripts, but i always felt the "familiar stories from other character's" reboot would be the next thing to blowup. It's been done, but Hollywood is so devoid of originality and they've tapped into every IP so much, it seems like natural progression to just make this the next overkilled genre.

Poor gremlin, man. he was just trying to help. I actually felt a lot of sympathy for him, so good on you.
This isn’t bad. I like the idea. It was a breeze to read, so I appreciate that.

I remember doing a owc where the challenge was to write a no dialogue short. First time I tried that and mine script ended being heavily overwritten so good work on making it flow well.

Good idea swapping the perspective in this episode. It works for me.

Good work.

OK,  let me give you a golf clap for the very nice effort. You actually went into the idea and changed things. So kudos, cuz I thought it was cool, but I'm still on the fence about the ending narration. Hats off & Good luck with it. :)-A

This is an interesting concept in theory, but I'm not sure about how this elevates or even deviates from the original.
At least this was well-written and flowed nicely. The ending narration was classic TZ.

The William Shatner black & white episode of the TZ has stayed with me for decades. I always remember the scene where he comes face-to-face with the Gremlin through the aeroplane window and it struck me that the creature looked just as shocked and afraid as Shatner.

I didn't have much time for this OWC so decided to do a quick reimagination. I'm glad people dug it.

Thanks,

Mark