To Destroy A Town by Rod Serling - A small town descends into chaos when the citizens learn that there is a foreign spy among them.

The Monsters Are Due on Maple Street - S1E22
  - Short, Drama, Thriller

One of my fave episodes from the original series. let's see where this goes.

A couple of technical comments.

Might be me but the left-hand margin looks too wide? And CIA Man isn't introduced properly, i.e. CAPPED.

A few typo's and some of the dialogue felt a little awkward imho, but I liked it... and right now this sort of story feels very pertinent.

I wasn't really sure I bought the CIA man's reason for carrying out the experiment but still a decent effort.

We have met the enemy and he is us...

I thought this one was okay, but kind of predictable right from the get go. Personal opinion -- and it's only my opinion -- but for me it works well as a metaphor. I see you stayed with the same era. I would have liked to have seen a more modern setting.  Some nit issues I want go into.  Overall, not bad.

I would've liked to see this in modern times rather than having it take place as almost the same era as the original TZ series came out. I love this TZ episode by the way -- way back in 2009, I was hired to write a feature kinda/sorta based on this episode.

But I felt like this was too similar to the TZ episode, but instead using communism/Russian spies/black listing, etc. This felt rushed -- which I'll attribute to the page limit -- but the transition from Tenbaum shooting two guys breaking into his house to a montage sequence showing the destruction of the town felt too rushed. There was no room to build things up, which again, is probably due to the 6 page limit. I do like the ending, but I saw it coming and assumed right off the bat the CIA MAN was bullshitting from the beginning. And, already knowing the TZ episode very well, of course it was easy to predict that the people would destroy themselves.

That being said, it was well-written enough and an enjoyable read.

-- Michael

Hi writer,

Definitely something the deep state would do, have done… still do to this day; control and incite violence with nothing more than words: (insert any main stream media driven event here), then… that rammed down our throats 24/7 and voilà … instant lynch mobs born in every nook and cranny of the Republic.

Your story pretty much followed the closing narration of the original: “The tools of conquest do not necessarily come with bombs and explosions and fallout. There are weapons that are simply thoughts, attitudes, prejudices...to be found only in the minds of men…”

I believe the deep state has worked this narration into their framework as a creed. The CIA’s Project Mockingbird, a propagation of Joseph Goebbels belief; “If you tell a lie big enough and keep repeating it, people will eventually come to believe it.”

Makes you wonder what big enough lie they could possibly come up with today to control, say… an entire globe? Just thinking out loud, your story is a thinker, no doubt. Works well with the theme.

You nicely summed up the last 4 years. Before 2016 I would have thought something like this was human nature exaggerated to the Nth degree but all we've had for years is the Nth degree.

Anyway, I haven't seen the original but I could see where this was heading. Some things just felt off and snapped the believability factor. It went beyond the Nth degree into Oth degree territory, which is a term I've just made up.

The Sheriff saying that if they don't find the spy in 24 hours the whole town is going to be destroyed is just too much to swallow.

And if they are convinced Mr Tenbaum is the spy, why do they go looking through the rest of the town for the spy?

I suspect the page restriction had a lot to do with this and you had to ramp it up faster than you  wanted, hence it feels a bit off. Another draft outside the confines of the OWC should sort it out.

-Mark

Quoted Text A middle-aged man gets out of the car-- The mysterious man walks up to him. The CIA MAN reaches into the pocket--

You could have told us right in the intro that he is from the CIA.


The script has its loopholes but I like this. I liked the message delivered in the end.

Just for the climax, I will give this script a thumbs up.

I thought it was too obvious what was going to happen. No sense of suspense or surprise. I wish it wasn't so The Andy Griffith Show. The setting really distracts from the storytelling.

You've got a good premise but you fail on the execution. There's a ton of "them" that you could've used, and you used "spy" and the CIA.

Just didn't seem real to me.

Hello writer

This episode always came up when I searched best TZ episodes - which is why I avoided it as I thought someone else was bound to use it - so I know very little about it.

Quoted Text CIA MAN There is no spy in that town.

I'm pretty sure his partner would already know this information. Which means it's purely for the audience, which isn't great.

Hmmm seemed very over-the-top comical to me even though it says it should be a drama/thriller. The over-reaction doesn't seem all that realistic (At least I hope not - I still have a little faith in humanity left) but then again I don't know what the mentality of a 1950's American was.

A government experimenting on it's own citizens I can buy into though.

Swing and a miss from me, but well done for getting something in.

All the best with it

I would've loved to see how this could be written more contemporary. Work in social media, a deep-fake, or just any 'news' that's posted on FB. As it is, it just seemed too familiar to the original. We needed tech!

Good effort, writer.

1950's would be better as a Super.

First bit of dialogue between the Sheriff and the CIA agents seems awkward to me.

You should give citizen 3 a name since he plays a role in this story.

The story was alright. It does seem to more of a re-write than a separate inspired story though. All you did was replace the aliens with the agency.

Good effort

I read the Wiki page plot. "They comment on how simply fiddling with consistency leads people to descend into paranoia and panic, and that this is a pattern that can be exploited. " This is basically what the episode was about.

Unfortunately, you basically rewrote the same episode when the challenge was to take the idea and turn it into something new and different. For starters, I think you would've been better off setting this in modern times. Even ancient times would've been better than the 1950s. You could've also set this in any other place. Off the top of my head, a mental hospital where a new patient or head doctor comes in and upsets the apple cart. An office where a new boss comes in and changes things. Maybe even the boss lets his 12-year-old daughter run the office for a day. Anything really.

Writing was fine, but you failed the challenge, IMHO. I did not enter nor will I vote, so my comments don't really matter, I guess.

Thanks for entering though.  :)

Lol, funny thing, Pia. This script is somewhat based on deep state activities etc, and as I was reading your comment, an advertisement for the “Google nest camera” was right above your post... I can’t make this up. So eerie...

This is a clearly written script and the message is timeless. Solid work.

It is a bit preposterous that the government would destroy an entire town to find a spy, but I guess something is needed to create panic. Is there another "threat" that you could think of to create panic? One that is not so outlandish? Maybe, for instance, the spy plans to release poison into the atmosphere that will wipe everyone out in the town.

Good effort, classic Twilight Zone episode.

I didn't buy the dialogue, it didn't feel natural to me.
If I remember correctly, wasn't the point of this episode that the fear of an unseen threat tears the town apart? If that's the case then there shouldn't be barricades. The line, "...you just need words." is especially ironic when they literally installed barricades. It's more impactful if the townsfolk assume they're stuck, when they're not. The existence of the CIA guy also takes away from the original meaning.

The town felt small and sleepy, the mobsters being there felt out of place.
This was basically a rewrite, but I didn't feel like anything new was brought to the table. I think the writer should consider adding some kind of spin to a story like this.

Aha! And the moral of this story is... Mob mentality, the power of suggestion, paranoia - again, all very good examples of the hallmarks of TZ.

I thought most of your dialogue was pretty good.
I could nit-pick but time's marching on, so...

The budget would be massive. And, not much of a new spin going on here but a nice little scary social commentary regardless.

Alright, now I can respond to the feedback.

I'm glad to see that the script was moderately well received. That must mean I'm truly improving.

Quoted from MarkRenshaw The Sheriff saying that if they don't find the spy in 24 hours the whole town is going to be destroyed is just too much to swallow. And if they are convinced Mr Tenbaum is the spy, why do they go looking through the rest of the town for the spy?

I had to come up with something that would whip the people into a frenzy. Knowing that the town would be destroyed in a day I thought would be enough to do the trick.

As for the second point, the mob split up in case that Mr. Tenbaum really wasn't the spy after all. I figured that would be typical mob behavior.

Quoted from Fais85 You could have told us right in the intro that he is from the CIA.

Since you wouldn't know if you were watching the finished product (until he introduces himself in the dialog) that he's a CIA man, I wanted to have the reader/viewer wonder who the man is in the beginning.

Quoted from ABennettWriter I thought it was too obvious what was going to happen. No sense of suspense or surprise. I wish it wasn't so The Andy Griffith Show. The setting really distracts from the storytelling. You've got a good premise but you fail on the execution. There's a ton of "them" that you could've used, and you used "spy" and the CIA.

I struggled a little with the decision of whether to place it in the present or in TZ's era. I ultimately decided to place it in the 50s since the red scare, McCarthyism, lack of the internet etc. was very prominent during that time and may very well have led to something like what happens in the story.

Also, how did you know I was trying to channel The Andy Griffith Show, if only through the jail and the sheriff and deputy?

Quoted from Matthew Taylor I'm pretty sure his partner would already know this information. Which means it's purely for the audience, which isn't great.

I was trying to land a gut-punch reveal like you'd find in many dramas of the era. I just don't know to execute a gut-punch reveal like that without having it be for the benefit of the audience.

Quoted from Lightfoot You should give citizen 3 a name since he plays a role in this story.

I didn't give him a name since his name doesn't come up in the dialog.

Quoted from Grandma Bear Unfortunately, you basically rewrote the same episode when the challenge was to take the idea and turn it into something new and different.

What I did was I took the witch-hunting and suspicions-of-each-other aspect from the episode and put a different spin on it. I thought that fulfilled the challenge.

Thanks once again for the feedback everyone and hope to see you all in the next OWC.

Much respect Mark. I've read your past submissions and I definitely notice improvement.

Quoted from MarkD Also, how did you know I was trying to channel The Andy Griffith Show, if only through the jail and the sheriff and deputy?

I kept waiting on Aunt Bee to pop up with something cute way to make life better.