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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board  /  Short Sci Fi and Fantasy Scripts  /  The Mouth of the Gift Horse - OWC
Posted by: Don, October 24th, 2020, 3:24pm
The Mouth of the Gift Horse by Someone Too Quickly - A SWAT team responds to the weirdest callout ever, not realizing the fate of the planet is at stake.

The Gift - S3E32
  - Short, Sci Fi
Posted by: steven8, October 24th, 2020, 8:03pm; Reply: 1
Now, I knew it was going to be something good, or there'd be no irony, but I didn't connect the dots on my own.  It makes sense that the police were over-terrified Americans.  As we've all learned in the last few years, aliens are mostly diseased rapists and criminals.
Posted by: spesh2k, October 24th, 2020, 8:56pm; Reply: 2
I liked this one. It was well written. I do think that it's pretty damn close to the TZ episode it was inspired by, maybe a little too close. And, maybe I need to go back and read the rules again for this challenge, but I'm pretty sure it said "low budget". This one definitely wasn't low budget -- been seeing a lot of shorts with big set pieces.

I liked the twist -- though it's current, I have a hard time believing the aliens would come all the way to earth to give us a vaccine for COVID. I realize that it's affected millions and killed far too many people, but the impact of the reveal didn't feel very strong. And that reveal, the COVID vaccine, was pretty much the only twist on the original TZ episode, really.

Other than that, the dialogue was real strong -- the Pegg character was kinda funny, not up to date on current trends and technology. And his "They speak American" line was good. Overall, pretty good, I enjoyed it.

-- Michael
Posted by: ghost and_ghostie gal, October 24th, 2020, 10:12pm; Reply: 3
Mmmmmm... me too, need to go back and read the rules, I thought no COVID scripts allowed. ;D Just kidding. Not sure I was suppose to laugh, but found some of it funny. Pegg was kinda quirky. Some very nice writing on display. Great descriptive touches. Dialogue A+. Not much to add.

Anywaz, hats off & GL with it. :)-A
Posted by: Gum, October 25th, 2020, 8:49am; Reply: 4
Hi writer,

Okay, I see what you did there, but only cause it resonates pretty much on par with the original. The idea is the same, somewhat, but the stakes have changed regarding the gift; cure a virus as opposed to a disease.

The takeaway here, I guess, is the visitor wanting to return Earth to its former lifeline, before all this lock-step bullshit, but I digress. We’re moving into a different state of thinking, wherein the people don’t really need healing anymore, we’re pretty much done for… it’s the planet they want to save. The gift, in my opinion should have been a big ol’ nuke that kills humans only… the great reset without any boundaries.

Writing is good IMO, and you got a knack for dialog, so kudos to the entry and working the story into the modern-day trivialities that everyone has gobbled up hook-line-and sinker.
Posted by: AnthonyCawood, October 25th, 2020, 1:57pm; Reply: 5
This one fits more in the re-write space, fine with that.

The writing is okay, though not all the jokes landed for me.

Covid, really, okay I'll let it slide.

Decent effort
Posted by: spesh2k, October 25th, 2020, 2:01pm; Reply: 6
My main issue with this one was the COVID vaccine reveal at the end -- it just seems like something that can (and I think will be) attainable and made possible by humans. Especially if someone were to read this a year or two from now, it might seem silly.
Posted by: MarkRenshaw, October 26th, 2020, 6:54am; Reply: 7
Tongue in cheek entertainment that doesn't take itself seriously and yet isn't a pisser at all. I enjoyed this, I found it funny, well written and poignant. Great job.

-Mark
Posted by: Matthew Taylor, October 26th, 2020, 7:49am; Reply: 8
Hello Writer!

Well done on getting in an entry.


Quoted Text
LANSING
The Doctor means that he's not in the
picture, so it can't be a selfie.


This! I so hate any picture now being called a "selfie" - drives me nuts. In the news there was the line "Man takes a selfie with hijacker" - but someone else took the picture, so it's just a bloody picture not a selfie!... sorry, I digress.


Quoted Text
PEGG
He speaks American?


Not heard of that language before.

Covid vaccine, cue eye-roll lol I've had enough of that bloody virus. I guess you wrote this purely for the challenge and not to actually be produced? because that Covid ending gives your script a very short shelf-life.

It was well written, nice and concise and flowed fine. It was comical but not overly funny. Lansing seems a bit of a pointless character. Could have just kept it at the Doctor and Pegg.

Overall, not bad



Posted by: Grandma Bear, October 27th, 2020, 8:40am; Reply: 9
IMHO, this was not really a new spin on an existing idea. It was basically the exact same story. All you did was change cancer to Covid-19 and placed the event in a parking lot. The writing was fine, but you failed the mission, IMO.
Posted by: JEStaats, October 27th, 2020, 5:44pm; Reply: 10
"You don't have kids, do you?" I don't know why, but that made me laugh.

Great dialogue. Loved the banter. I wish the cure was something other than COVID...maybe cellulite, liver spots, or baldness.

High marks for writing. Almost too close for comfort to the original, though.
Posted by: Fais85, October 29th, 2020, 2:12am; Reply: 11
Wow! One of the best I have read so far. This was funny and interesting. Well -written.

I didn't see the ending coming. Great funny twist.

If not the winner then I am sure this will be in the Top 3.
Posted by: Conz, October 29th, 2020, 11:30am; Reply: 12
How have I never seen this episode? It doesn’t even sound familiar. Guess I need to go back and watch.

I like how you just jumped into this story.
I
like to use “shoots a glance” a lot, but I’d recommend steering clear of that in scenes involving a bunch of guns. Nitpick

I imagine people are telling you think alien discussion/selfie bit is bogging it down, but I love a little injection of levity.

… although as I read on, this whole sketch type back and forth with the doctor and cops is getting a little long in the tooth. too schticky.

No idea what ichor is, but I’ll roll with it.

Yeah, it got a little tedious there, but I enjoyed it I guess. Cops got annoying in the end.

Great little twist to modernize this, but it really is just a re-write. I also like how the original uses an alien that looks like man better too, but I understand using the Grey to get all that explanation/realization out of the way for a 6 page max limit.

Not bad.
Posted by: Claudio, October 30th, 2020, 6:44pm; Reply: 13
Technically well-written, but I wanted more from the ending.

I got the vibe that this was a British writer. Some of the dialogue felt a bit unnatural, but it flowed for the most part.

I was hoping for more of a deviation from the original. I don't really like the Covid vaccine idea.

I wanted more! Clearly a good writer. Decent effort.
Posted by: LC, October 30th, 2020, 8:28pm; Reply: 14
Yes, don't look a gift horse in the mouth. Xenophobes beware. Well, I think Aliens count in that lot. :)

Not bad. Not really a new spin, just a new cure in place of cancer in the original, but some nice touches of light humour.
Posted by: AnthonyCawood, October 31st, 2020, 8:03pm; Reply: 15
Couldn't resist this one, a fave episode for me and yes, it's totally a re-working of the original. But I hope with some humour and some commentary (like the original) on the world we live in.

If the recent news re Covid vaccines and their efficacy is to be believed then this script's gonna be relevant for a while... and if it's not then John's Baldness is a fine substitute ;-)
Posted by: Fais85, November 1st, 2020, 2:37am; Reply: 16
Nice work, Anthony.

This was my 2nd favorite entry of the lot.
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